Happy Fourth of July 2012

   Happy to be back to my humble home and so is my dog, who has been sacked out on the couch since returning from our six day Virginia trip. She was such a busy bee at Rebecca and Bob's playing and growling at their dog Jewel, the yard dogs, hummingbirds, horse, plus the intense thunderstorm that came through that I figure she will sleep and recoup for a few days! She has hardly left "her" couch since coming home.

  Our homecoming (to Royston) was dramatic with a greeting by a severe thunderstorm complete with pea sized hail! Tried to sit it out but gave up and just popped up the little umbrella to come on inside. This was a good trip.
  The reunion was a very small gathering, but that was okay as the record temperatures of over hundred lent us to all hanging out in my Aunt Emma's home (the old cement block house on the hill that was the site of many childhood awesome memories which included my Granny Ginny and Grandpadad Cavin, my great grandparents. Things have changed much and modernized and yet there are remnants of the old. The old outhouse building is still standing, although leaning and decaying and sure to be fallen over in not too long. There is much more left here to remember than on my Momma's side of the family up in Big Stone Gap. Rose Hill, Virginia is still a working farming community so it hasn't changed as drastically over the years.
  Big Stone Gap and the surrounding area was built up primarily around the coal mining industry and it HAS deteriorated more and more over the years. There are still some beautiful old homes there, even my Great Grandparent's home is still well kept, although there is not the slightest trace of my Grandmother's home, orchards, hedge, barn, garden,....nothing. The house was there for many years but the last owner torched it...my poor nephew, a fireman had to put out that fire. Now there is a nice brick home built on that site. The new owners leveled the place and all the hedges and trees, I mean ALL of them it is the most barren plain place now, tidy but no personality at all. And the land itself was divided up and sold off so that where the barn and garden was is something else and there is a Kentucky Fried chicken and other tacky stuff where there used to be a garden.
   The saddest thing about the town to me is how they completely knocked down and destroyed the old school buildings and stone wall that surrounded the land. The hotel is gone, the downtown area of Big Stone Gap, is a sad townscape where all the former shops are pretty much closed up, my cousin said Wal-Mart pretty much sealed that deal. There is still the drugstore and soda fountain my Mother had once worked at as a girl but that is about it. We could not even figure out where the old movie theater was now? It appeared to be still there but so "remodeled" that you couldn't be sure. This was once a thriving little town, now it seems to just be limping along. But the church where my folks married is still there and still active, though not so many members as it once had.
    The occasion of my trip was planned around the Cavin Reunion, but it just happened this was the weekend my Cousin Larry Lane had scheduled to hold the Estate Sale for my late AUnt Peggy's home and belongings. Oh boy did I hear in my head the Donna Hughes Song as a backdrop on my two visits up to Derby. It was an occasion to see my cousin Marianna and her husband Skip Davidson from Ohio and of course Larry and Marcia Lane, who live in Charlotte, N.C. and to purchase a few mementos of my Aunt and as it turns out of my Grandmother (bought several aprons I am pretty sure she had sewn) I could not afford any of the big stuff. The saddest thing to me was seeing her china, which she never actually ever used but began buying for herself after she'd gotten her son through college sold off, the asking price was 685. a bargain for such a full set but too much for any of us relatives...wound up making a deal on the last day and selling it to a stranger for about 300.....anyway. sad sad day to see and let go really of the last tangible bits of what this time last year was a dear lady's home and life. I am so thankful for the two visits I had with her last summer, one in the hospital and then one at her home. She sat down with Becky and I and we looked at pictures, if it weren't for that day I would not now have a pic of my late Grandfather and Grandmother, as she allowed us to borrow and copy some of those treasured pics. She is the last from my Mom's side of the children of Mary and Henry Lane or spouses. Actually Peggy was an aunt by marriage.
  At the estate sale I met my cousin and his wife from the Cavin side, as we are FB buddies now. At one time the Cavin reunion had over a hundred people attend and we had to hold it down in the tobacco barn. That was back in 1992 when we began. This year there was only three of us from out of town and only Angie and I were not of the immediate family of either Aunt Trula or Aunt Emma. Aunt Emma said she'd guessed that after Uncle J.C. died that they would quit coming. We began to click off all the ones who have now passed away, my Daddy and both of his brothers, Grandma Dorothy, Grandma Audrey, Great Aunt Ethel, Cousin Curtis, Cousin Virginia, and Cousin Helen....all these folks had children that came to see them and honor them....now it has dwindled down quite a bit. But I loved spending time with my two great aunts, my cousins, and aunt Angie. It as low key but the food was as good as ever! And the new crop of little cousins kept the gathering laughing and smiling. We could be very sad at missing so many of our loved ones, but we were not instead it was a happy time to be with those who still remember the same good memories as we do. It was also a good time to really forge the connections to the younger cousins and build some memories with them too.
  Okay so I think I have documented the trip. This was another trip without my daughter, she is less and less a part of my family experiences and more and more doing her own thing with more exciting friends. It hurt my feelings at first and I missed her for sure, but I didn't miss her complaining like she had done for most of the visit this time last year. She actually did not go with me to visit any of my family last year, except Becky and then she pretty much stayed in bed all day and up on the laptop all night... no, I did not miss that behavior. And in remembering it and that you can lead a horse to water etc. etc. well I have learned I can travel alone, with my little dog and we are okay. God is the co-pilot and the true lover of my soul and if nothing happens without His approval then the best I can do is to try to hear Him.
   Compared to last year, I liked seeing my family but I would love to be at Daytona Beach today! I am happy that I have quit smoking! I am not happy that I have gained 40 pounds! I am happy that my face is no longer completely frozen. I am happy that my child is better emotionally than she was this time last year.
  Perhaps by this time next year, I will have had my teeth restored and lost at least 20 of the extra pounds I put on? Oh I do hope so, as long as the latter is from healthy loss and not illness. Always temper what I wish or hope for these days, as if I dare not wish for anything? Yeah, might be a sign I have some more recovering to do as yet!
  May God bless any of you dears who may be reading my blog.

Weird Saturday

 I have been doing a lot of painting. Things in general seem to be going very well. And yet today I feel like I am only a little hair's breathe away from just having a good old fashioned cry? Is there such a thing really? I don't really know, as I come from a long line of folks who buck up and do not cry! Oh, we may cry for others but not for ourselves, we do not wish to bother others with our blues or troubles. Hey, it is what it is. Who wants to hang around with a sad sack anyway?

I am finding myself while feeling a definite sense of healing and recovering from so much garbage, I think I am okay and ready to "live" as it were and then I catch a look at me and say I dunno babe, that hour may well have passed. And so for all I may have learned and for all I truly believe I am just as vulnerable as ever perhaps, not quite as bad as a teenager who can not walk out the door without looking "perfect" to feel safe and confident. The thing is I am at that phase where there is only so much I can do to look better and I am keenly aware that I am likely to be alone from now on. There are things I do not mind about that for sure, and I need to remember all of that on days  like this where my lonely self wants to curl up into a ball and go home, tired of playing down here.

It is better to be honestly alone and lonesome, than trapped in a ridiculously suffocating lonely relationship without any hope at all. So, stranger things have happened than finding "love" at my age, if the Lord decides it, then it will be. I must remember what I believe. I think I am rusty at writing too. Today I feel like nobody out there needs me or would care if I even exist. I know this is dumb and not true...just a creepy isolated lonesome thought. I am thinking it will be good to be back to work, when I am there I don;t have time for such worrisome thoughts as these. Devil is definitely messing with me today.

Reflection on Why God "allows" life to be Hard at times

God honors our choices and has shown immeasurable patience to allow humanity to choose Him. It is often in the valleys of life that we get down to getting "real" and beyond our intellectual doubts as we are humbled by our helplessness and reach out to God. And when in our darkest hours He responds and begins His work in our life, then one is deeply and forever changed. Shalom replaces the frantic race. Gray becomes technicolor. Despair transforms to hope. Fear dissipates as trust grows. Wounds begin to heal. And one learns that life is hard, but how much harder without God? Without God it is an invariable downward spiral.

As Summer Break Winds Down

  Reflecting on the long summer break. I had a huge long "to do" list, much of it I accomplished. Some of it I have not and may not get "done". Those things would once have caused me stress as I would have pushed myself to do them or at least felt "guilty" for not having done so. Guess there has been a shift in my thinking, as I am learning not to be SO hard on myself.
  So let's see what has been accomplished. I did get the "storage" and moving in boxes that filled the third room up gone through. All it needs now is a mattress and box springs to be a functional guest bedroom. I did get block out curtains hung in every room except the studio (where I do not want them) and I got every window in the loft sealed with duct tape. The studio was sorted out and is now tidy and functional again. These were housekeeping chores.
   I did get the Bankruptcy petition filed and well underway to be wrapped up in late August which is the beginning of putting the financial "healing" on track though it will be a slow recovery, it is the first step in that recovery.
   I have made great progress in improving my relationship with my daughter. I have especially grown from working through my own boundary issues, and thereby seeing some positive results in efforts to establish healthy boundaries with my child. Most significantly I have grown out of trying to overcompensate and stress over past mistakes. I have let go feeling responsible for who she chooses to be or not be. I have learned to assert my role as the boundary setter and to not be so easily manipulated when my daughter tries to run over or  challenge the boundaries. I am not so quick to respond to her efforts to "push my buttons" and manipulate me. It is still difficult at times, but I have let go this freaky fear that she is acting like her Father which was making me feel sick with worry. Instead I am simply making every educated effort to respond differently than I did with him. She may have learned the behaviors from him for manipulating me, but she can "unlearn" them if they do not yield the same compliant behavior from me. This is a huge step forward.
   I have painted a lot in the last few weeks. This was on my list, and as I analyzed the summer winding down I realized that i had followed my standard pattern of "do all the NOT fun stuff first, then do what you love". Problem with that is time has a way of getting gone and when only the chores are done and nothing for the soul, resentment and depression grow. So, I adjusted and moved that creative time right to the top of the list. Loft isn't as 'spotless', laundry is not all done, let the office just be as it is...but have done 3 paintings and a collage since coming back from the beach on July 7th....and enjoyed it!
   Things left "undone"? Lesson plans, articles for School Arts, the office shredding, eye doctor, and dentist. The latter have as much to do with finances as time. Also haven't beat the smoking habit as yet, but have made great strides. When at the beach I only smoked two cigarettes a day and it wasn't hard. I have the Chantix scrip and got it filled, but have been intimidated by the side effects warnings...keep 'thinking' just stop on your own like you did before. I hope to mange this before October 1st. I may do better at it when I am back to the school routine and not home alone so much.
   I am gearing up for a week away again, back to Virginia and seeing family and breathing in the familiar smells and sights of my mountain ancestry. Can't explain it, but it always renews my spirit.
The best accomplishments of this summer break have been those changes that are internal and of the heart and soul. The theme that has recurred is "Be Still My Soul". In finding those quiet spaces that renew and heal and grow a healthier and happier me. I am not where I want to be, but I celebrate how much closer I am to that place and the progress I have made. Inspires me to keep moving forward in anticipation, determination, and hope.

PROVERBS 12:25 "A kind word cheers him up."

"You are an educated, experienced, perceptive woman who has lived for a while in a situation that did not allow you to be all that you can be. As you decide what and how you are going to live, all sorts of changes are likely. Trust yourself."I ran across this note to me from January 2010...a time when I did not trust myself very much at all. I am celebrating how far I have come since then and I must say there is indeed Life after chaos. My morning prayers are different now, not "Lord help me survive another day" but "Thank you Lord for another day. Please let me not get in the way of your will in my life." I am so grateful for those who lifted me up and still DO. Never underestimate the value of positive words spoken into the lives of others, for they can be that little candle of hope in the dark valleys of life.

Reflections on Contrasts in Life

 Our trip to the Daytona Beach proved to be mostly wonderful. It was awesome to be with family, especially my Stepmom and the long walks in the morning and conversations. The location and beauty of the condo itself was a huge contrast to the austerity we have lived in for the past several years now. At times I felt 'out of place' amidst such luxury. The contrast between sitting on leather sofas with a view of the ocean and pool verses, sitting on a lumpy thrift store loveseat in our sparsely furnished loft apartment was huge. Eating out every night at excellent restaurants, with hosts who insisted on paying the tab every single time, was appreciated and awkward at the same time. Obviously with my financial challenges, I truly did appreciate the generosity even as it made me a tad uncomfortable. It was a refreshing blessing and a balm for the tattered nerves. I also gained in confidence having made this long trip; both in my newly repaired auto and my self. And I enjoyed the company of both the family and my daughter.
 Before we even got home my daughter had arranged to go to her friend's house. She has only spent one night at home since we got back a week ago today. So, I have gone from lots of company to complete solitude, a schedule organized by hosts to a schedule completely dictated only by me! I am calmly aware that I prefer neither extreme and must laugh at that one! I miss the company of my daughter, but not the demands and loudness (she has tended to be up late talking on Skype on the phone). I often feel like she only talks to me when she wants something from me like food or a ride.
  She used to speak with me about her many dreams, but she doesn't seem able to dream much anymore. I am pretty sure this directly relates to her having seen so many dreams and hopes dashed in the last year or so. It should not surprise me that she is so restlessly trying to fill every moment with chatter and companionship of her friends. She says they love her because she makes them laugh. Right now she obviously needs that laughter and sense of belonging. I do hope and pray that as time passes she will be able to dream again and be at peace in her solitude.
   When her Daddy burst her "bubble" I believe a lot of her very inner joy escaped. I sense that she is in some ways frantically trying to recover that joy. I know I can not DO it for her. Oh how I wish I could, as of all the material losses they mean nothing in comparison to the harm her Father has caused my child in her very heart.
    Now today I will do what I can do with this solitude. I will listen to music and paint. I have not the clear drive of direction I did in the winter, but more of a playful experimental meandering. After so many seasons of stress and complexity, I am thinking I do need to learn "to play" again. Ah ha maybe my daughter and I are both doing that now.

Be Still, My Soul X 3 Today

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Source: cyber hymnal (googled) Author Katharina A. von Schegel 1752
    We sang this at church this morning and it moved me to tears. God helped me today release a lot of hurt towards a couple of folks in my church family that really hurt my daughter (who though she once so loved being in this fold has mostly chosen to stay away now rarely going with me). I saw her Father persecute our faith and she stood firm. But I saw her heart break when one she respected belittled her and shunned her at church, another church member has always been mean to her (though never in my presence) and has been even worse to her at school. It isn't particularly personal, she actually treats most kids rather harshly. I have struggled for nearly a year with trying to forgive these people for the harm they have added with their careless behavior actually turning off my child to church (not God) fellowship at a time in our life where we really needed our church family. But today I felt that God was telling me to "forgive them for they know not what they do". He certainly must know the pain of watching ignorant and careless people slander, persecute, and crucify his son. And yet His son asked God the Father to forgive them. I felt a weight rise from my heart today which was filled with compassion for those that hurt my child and me. That voice in my heart that for months struggled to not "get in their face" like an angry Peter might have done or simply avoided seeing any of them and attended a different service, where I knew I was with brethren who loved me and my child...was let go of today.
  I am assured that God knows the truth and the truth in my heart. I do not need anymore to worry what people who are so clueless or misled by the enemy, think of me or my child. I can love them in Christ irregardless of what they feel towards me or how they may act. God loved me when I was pretty clueless. If I allow my abuser to leave this scar between my church family and myself, then it is little difference than all the other years of "allowing" his behaviors to manipulate my life. I have followed my brother's advice to not run around trying to counter all of the now ex's lies and deceptions. I have kept my silence, except when necessary for legal proceedings. Only a few trusted friends and family know the very true ugly story I lived. And it is true that in the short term, when one doesn't counter the liar people who do not have any previous experience with your character might then wonder? I have grown and remember Christ when brought before Pilot asked simply, "Who do YOU say I am?" In relationships that matter most to me, my Life must be the best answer. I have grown a thicker skin. I trust my Savior more than ever, not because I am good enough or strong enough, or brave enough for I clearly am not. But this Savior is all of that and more and He has kept His promises to me. He told me to go and he would be with Me. He did NOT say it would be easy but He did say He would Deliver my child and I from evil and He has and continues to do it over and over.
   Today I lived that formula from Dr. Cloud: Grace+Truth+TIME= Healing.  The  ones I have forgiven do not even know it.  You see they don't own that they even hurt us at all. Perhaps God will choose to reveal it to them in time, maybe one day they will even apologize (I have accepted that is unlikely however and is not a condition of my forgiving them). In their eyes they probably didn't see the change in my heart today, as I have attempted to be polite and when it hurt too much I just went to a different service.
   In fact, I had been doing that for quite some time now. I overslept and that is why I wound up at the traditional service with those I needed to forgive. This hymn just reached into my soul as it acknowledged my pain (didn't tell me to "not feel it") and then quietly reassured me all would be okay. I can be still. I then rush home all eager to look this up and request the couple who do Hymn A Week on FB would consider taping it and they had posted it just an hour earlier! Now, that was a crazy kind of God cool! Several hours later I heard the very same HYMN playing from the church down the block. Three times. Amazing blessed musical God hug OXOX <><