I have been doing a lot of painting. Things in general seem to be going very well. And yet today I feel like I am only a little hair's breathe away from just having a good old fashioned cry? Is there such a thing really? I don't really know, as I come from a long line of folks who buck up and do not cry! Oh, we may cry for others but not for ourselves, we do not wish to bother others with our blues or troubles. Hey, it is what it is. Who wants to hang around with a sad sack anyway?
I am finding myself while feeling a definite sense of healing and recovering from so much garbage, I think I am okay and ready to "live" as it were and then I catch a look at me and say I dunno babe, that hour may well have passed. And so for all I may have learned and for all I truly believe I am just as vulnerable as ever perhaps, not quite as bad as a teenager who can not walk out the door without looking "perfect" to feel safe and confident. The thing is I am at that phase where there is only so much I can do to look better and I am keenly aware that I am likely to be alone from now on. There are things I do not mind about that for sure, and I need to remember all of that on days like this where my lonely self wants to curl up into a ball and go home, tired of playing down here.
It is better to be honestly alone and lonesome, than trapped in a ridiculously suffocating lonely relationship without any hope at all. So, stranger things have happened than finding "love" at my age, if the Lord decides it, then it will be. I must remember what I believe. I think I am rusty at writing too. Today I feel like nobody out there needs me or would care if I even exist. I know this is dumb and not true...just a creepy isolated lonesome thought. I am thinking it will be good to be back to work, when I am there I don;t have time for such worrisome thoughts as these. Devil is definitely messing with me today.
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