Warm Memories

I loved the months spent on the Big Island, all the beauty of the tropics and all the warmth of Southern Hospitality. "Talkin' story around the campfire and weaving palm fronds with kids on the beach, the fragrant rain forest, the hush and sizzle as the lava hit the sea with new jet black sand the next day, ah it has been too long since I have thought of this beautiful place I love. I enjoyed clicking through and could actually recall the aromas and textures of these places (well everything except the golf courses and resorts as I was a camping and bungalow nature kinda traveler :) Warm trip for a cold winter's eve.

Hawaii's Big Island Gallery

Grace in the Moment

   I was seeking to release a grudge by forgiving one whom I felt betrayed my trust. Sad to say the response was a condescending one that only added to the hurt. I have to let that go. I am carrying too many scars already. Perhaps in time I will attempt it again. I think the effort was perhaps enlightening though. It revealed more to me about their defensiveness than grace. Even in a church there are people who are blinded by their own self-perceived perfection.
   If I could, I would share the reasons I feel they are being used, but I know too well how easily the master manipulator uses the good in others to twist their empathy and intellect into compassionately playing into his hands. It is clear to me that is the case.
   She said they supported him because he had no support, while I had lots of support. Interesting, we lived in a shelter for eight months. I work and pay our way. He is in my home, with all the furnishings that I am still stuck paying for while his wealthy Mother buys him a car for cash, pays for his lawyers, he plays on the lake all summer, dates, and from all outward appearances and possessions he has made out like a bandit and yet she says he has no support?
   

Simplify and Focus

    I find myself distracted by so many outside demands that I am having difficulty remaining centered and deciding which task to complete first, yikes. I am that 5th grader my then teacher gently spoke of "does beautiful work when she is able to focus on one thing at a time and complete the work, but tries to do so many things at once that she has trouble ..."
    That's still it in a nutshell. Spiritual growth, Mothering, money management, job, church, and artist. Interesting  how that list is ordered. It seems like forever the artist (me) is on the bottom. I am sensing that I need to somehow, some way manage to slide it closer to the top. I haven't figured that one out as yet.
   I long for the sense that I am moving through my life, rather than being pushed around by my life.  Speaking of push, I need to leave by in twenty minutes in order to make the early service and I am not even dressed yet...an so it goes:)

When You're Smiling...

My friend brought me four new canvases as a Christmas gift, amazing timing! I am enjoying the sense of being so gifted by the family and friends in my life and the subtle little "I'm here" messages I keep feeling the creator bonking on my head, a giggly joy after a storm. She also came with groceries and went to cooking in my tiny kitchen, the three of us had a wonderful feast last night. It was so nice to be able to share with her so many good things, since she has been my friend since we were 11 she knows my heart and life story more than anyone. How cool to be able to share so much of our lives and the thread of friendship only grow stronger. For the last many years, we saw each other, but had never been given the space to just stay up talking all night together. Her husband Tom, is so cool to "allow" her the space to come and hang out with me. I am so enjoying having the freedom to enjoy these simple yet priceless gifts of time. If I were my calabash mother (Zadie) I would be saying, "thank you Jesus" hmm think I will anyway cause it sure feels right. Thank YOU <><    It ain't about fitting in a box child, it is about getting out of em and to where you were created to be. lol

The best dreams happen with your eyes wide open.

   So, maybe it's taken thirty years but I think I am back in a kind of zone I haven't felt since Sweetwater Studio days. I am out of the box and it is feeling so good, dawning on me the same thing I've been speaking to my art-kids is true for me, "just keep working, your best is good enough" gee how liberating is that! We had another great meal/feast last night and then Peg scrapped pics of her grandson while I painted, and we listened to great music and popped back and forth and talked; that's why I spun off the oil stuff for a bit I have to really focus when I am doing realistic style stuff...can't be talking and laughing and such.
  Being around my childhood long friend has given energy to my sense of coming of age and pieces falling in place. Like few others we can reflect on our journeys and share the insights, joys, and sorrows. There is no worry here of needing to censor truths it is an unconditional trusting kind of space and a blessing. I may be misunderstood or labeled by others, somehow it just doesn't matter so much when there is the knowledge that those who truly know us see beyond those labels. Feeling free to be my perfectly IMPERFECT me, what a concept! I hope all reading this are approaching 2011 with a childlike spark of optimism and I wish us all a good growing season in 2011.

As the Wind Blows...support group game

"Laughter is like the human body wagging its tail." Anne Wilson Schaef
We had a good deal of this tonight at support group...even as we were playing a "game" that required some uncomfortable soul-baring. It was highly effective and served the purpose to reinforce that we indeed had more in common than different. You might picture this group as being beaten down and sad, and certainly at times there are honest raw tears, but that is usually to the newly "out" or approaching getting out. The veterans are able to encourage and empathize and yes laugh when appropriate, with the recognition that we are not alone and to celebrate our new-found strengths and little victories. It is never lost on any of us how close we came to remaining silent victims. It is also with gratitude that we celebrate our freedom and the privilege of coming together in support of one another. We 'get' one another and have learned to dance in the rain. Although I am my mother's only daughter, I have yet so many true sisters.

Learning to dance in the rain.

Celebration!

 Our school was named as a school of Excellence. This is a great achievement as less than twenty five schools in the state made this distinction, all based on achievement scores. It is really something worth bragging about as we have a challenging school population, with many factors which often are considered insurmountable but we ARE a school where failure is not considered an option.
 Our leadership is strong and all practices and strategies are based on research. We quit beating the dead horse many years ago and have sought diligently to grow and implement real instructional changes that have lead to measurable gain. It is an awesome feeling.
  This reminds me of the Winston Churchill quote, "Never Give Up". It also reminds me to employ the same attitude in overcoming my personal challenges. Keep moving forward, keep making intelligent choices, keep learning from mistakes and trying new solutions. And of course most importantly don't give up.