My day was peaceful with cooking and painting; that is a benefit of having the studio directly beside the kitchen. It was cooler today, but still mild enough to leave the windows open so that I could use my oil paints. I am really enjoying the studio and the peace.
I made Sarah and I a simple dinner, turkey, baked sweet potatoes, green beans, and a pumpkin pie. I enjoyed the smells wafting from the kitchen as I worked on my painting. The street was quiet today with all the businesses closed for the holiday, but the town is fully decorated for Christmas and it felt like my own private post card.
I am very thankful today for being free to live my life. I appreciate the quiet and peace. The contrast of my life today from the past ten years, leaves me grateful for surviving. I appreciate my solitude now and the time to think and create. I enjoy the company of my dog and appreciate the moments I have with my daughter as well. I am at peace. I have taken my own power back and broken the silence.
I have grown this year. The most empowering growth for me has been my boundary work, which applies to all areas of my life. I have come to terms with the "holes in my soul" that I had not seen. And from being in the support group, I found many others who had the very same common childhood traumas and issues that led us to being compliant. I was as my first principal had remarked,"too nice".
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Painting in the Loft
I painted last night until 2a.m. it was wonderful, I opened the windows in the studio and pulled out the oil paints. It had been so long since I used my oils that I forgot why I have always preferred their luminosity to acrylics. I worked on three canvases yesterday, and have worked several hours today on a third one. I have this exhibition in my mind that I am propelled toward creating, "Breaking the Silence".
After 16 years of being silent and polite and supportive and forgiving and sacrificial and enabling a narcissist to nearly ruin my life, I have a few things to "say" with my art. And I intend to say them, however uncomfortable or surprising they may be. I found the guest thoughts page written when I had my Solo Exhibit "Can You Play" at UGA way back in 1980 and the comments were very encouraging and intelligent. I also found the papers from the 1987 Hawaii Women's History Exhibition,which I was in on my way out of Hawaii. I found my self momentarily saddened that I had allowed myself to get so far from my calling to paint, for so long. Then I got over it and on with the moment with a renewed drive to pick my paints up once again and to say what I want through my art work.
On the surface of my life, I have been devastated financially, but don't count me out as yet. I have been on a remarkable journey this past year and although painful, I would not trade any of it for the gift of having my peace, joy, and freedom back. The gift among the thorns has been coming to terms with the traumas in my own life, that set me up to attract such flawed characters to my life. Now that I understand, I have and will continue to do boundary work. I may not seem as "sweet" but if all you like is my unquestioning compliance, then I don't need you in my life anyway. I will no longer be any one's 'object' to be used or abused. I will be the 'subject' of my own life and I will celebrate the unique individual that God created me to be.
Much like a close call with a life threatening illness and working through a long recovery process, once you regain your health, you appreciate the simple things so much more. I am relishing the freedom we now enjoy. We can pray whenever and however we wish, sometimes including dancing to an upbeat contemporary Christian song like "Free to be Me". We can put colorful pictures anywhere we choose. We can eat what we like, when we like. We're not expected to sit for hours in front of a television, watching things that do not interest us. There are no more apologies for being who we are or walking on eggshells trying not to 'set off' his temper. We no longer have to suppress our thoughts or feelings out of fear of his reactions. It is worth so much more than any of the material things he has stolen. I know it is strong language, but I also know that he knows, I know, his child knows, most of his family knows, and for sure the Creator knows that is what he has done. I would not want his Karma. I am endeavoring to release all thoughts of him to God. I prayed for him for so long and still do now and then, but I find that I don't even wish to spend that bit of time on this man. I think God understands.
After 16 years of being silent and polite and supportive and forgiving and sacrificial and enabling a narcissist to nearly ruin my life, I have a few things to "say" with my art. And I intend to say them, however uncomfortable or surprising they may be. I found the guest thoughts page written when I had my Solo Exhibit "Can You Play" at UGA way back in 1980 and the comments were very encouraging and intelligent. I also found the papers from the 1987 Hawaii Women's History Exhibition,which I was in on my way out of Hawaii. I found my self momentarily saddened that I had allowed myself to get so far from my calling to paint, for so long. Then I got over it and on with the moment with a renewed drive to pick my paints up once again and to say what I want through my art work.
On the surface of my life, I have been devastated financially, but don't count me out as yet. I have been on a remarkable journey this past year and although painful, I would not trade any of it for the gift of having my peace, joy, and freedom back. The gift among the thorns has been coming to terms with the traumas in my own life, that set me up to attract such flawed characters to my life. Now that I understand, I have and will continue to do boundary work. I may not seem as "sweet" but if all you like is my unquestioning compliance, then I don't need you in my life anyway. I will no longer be any one's 'object' to be used or abused. I will be the 'subject' of my own life and I will celebrate the unique individual that God created me to be.
Much like a close call with a life threatening illness and working through a long recovery process, once you regain your health, you appreciate the simple things so much more. I am relishing the freedom we now enjoy. We can pray whenever and however we wish, sometimes including dancing to an upbeat contemporary Christian song like "Free to be Me". We can put colorful pictures anywhere we choose. We can eat what we like, when we like. We're not expected to sit for hours in front of a television, watching things that do not interest us. There are no more apologies for being who we are or walking on eggshells trying not to 'set off' his temper. We no longer have to suppress our thoughts or feelings out of fear of his reactions. It is worth so much more than any of the material things he has stolen. I know it is strong language, but I also know that he knows, I know, his child knows, most of his family knows, and for sure the Creator knows that is what he has done. I would not want his Karma. I am endeavoring to release all thoughts of him to God. I prayed for him for so long and still do now and then, but I find that I don't even wish to spend that bit of time on this man. I think God understands.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Nearly Free
I am quietly celebrating one year of being out of a long nightmare and all the personal growth which has taken place through the storm. The papers are not yet signed, but I think that might even take place before this day ends.I am now facing the challenge of trying to help my child navigate dealing with a narcissist father. She does not know the diagnosis. It has been a long process, she does not have to visit him but will have to accept phone calls. She has the right to hang up but that will be hard for her. The goal is to help her create mental boundaries to limit his toxic affect on her emotionally.
It is not my desire to 'disparage' my husband, but I do want my child to comprehend his illness, at least at a level appropriate for her age. I will seek and follow the advice of professional therapists in dealing with these issues. For me, the diagnosis and educating myself as to what it was, made all the confounding pieces of what I lived through suddenly make sense. While I still feel angry at his continued actions I realize it is just the cold reality of his inability to truly care for others, for him it is truly 'all about him' and you are either of use to him or not. My daughter and I dared to expose him and while he clearly does not care for us, he deeply cares what other folks 'think' of him. It has been quite a challenge to keep my cool through out this process. Knowing the diagnosis alleviated some of the hurt I felt as I realized it wasn't anything I caused, nor anything I could 'fix'. And in spite of the damage he has left in his wake at some distant level I feel sorry for him. He has in fact gained a great deal from me materially but, I doubt he will ever be at peace. One day Momma and her money will be gone. One day the last vestiges of his handsome good looks will fade and when character is all he has to build relationships, I believe he will sadly find his bucket empty. The empathy though is not to be expressed to him as he is only able to use it for further abuse. I have learned that there is a place for good "anger" not to hurt others, but to build needed boundaries to keep evil at a distance. No one can heal from their broken places if they don't 'own' the broken places.
It is not my desire to 'disparage' my husband, but I do want my child to comprehend his illness, at least at a level appropriate for her age. I will seek and follow the advice of professional therapists in dealing with these issues. For me, the diagnosis and educating myself as to what it was, made all the confounding pieces of what I lived through suddenly make sense. While I still feel angry at his continued actions I realize it is just the cold reality of his inability to truly care for others, for him it is truly 'all about him' and you are either of use to him or not. My daughter and I dared to expose him and while he clearly does not care for us, he deeply cares what other folks 'think' of him. It has been quite a challenge to keep my cool through out this process. Knowing the diagnosis alleviated some of the hurt I felt as I realized it wasn't anything I caused, nor anything I could 'fix'. And in spite of the damage he has left in his wake at some distant level I feel sorry for him. He has in fact gained a great deal from me materially but, I doubt he will ever be at peace. One day Momma and her money will be gone. One day the last vestiges of his handsome good looks will fade and when character is all he has to build relationships, I believe he will sadly find his bucket empty. The empathy though is not to be expressed to him as he is only able to use it for further abuse. I have learned that there is a place for good "anger" not to hurt others, but to build needed boundaries to keep evil at a distance. No one can heal from their broken places if they don't 'own' the broken places.
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