Nearly Free

  I am quietly celebrating one year of being out of a long nightmare and all the personal growth which has taken place through the storm. The papers are not yet signed, but I think that might even take place before this day ends.I am now facing the challenge of trying to help my child navigate dealing with a narcissist father. She does not know the diagnosis. It has been a long process, she does not have to visit him but will have to accept phone calls. She has the right to hang up but that will be hard for her. The goal is to help her create mental boundaries to limit his toxic affect on her emotionally.
   It is not my desire to 'disparage' my husband, but I do want my child to comprehend his illness, at least at a level appropriate for her age. I will seek and follow the advice of professional therapists in dealing with these issues. For me, the diagnosis and educating myself as to what it was, made all the confounding pieces of what I lived through suddenly make sense. While I still feel angry at his continued actions I realize it is just the cold reality of his inability to truly care for others, for him it is truly 'all about him' and you are either of use to him or not. My daughter and I dared to expose him and while he clearly does not care for us, he deeply cares what other folks 'think' of him. It has been quite a challenge to keep my cool through out this process.  Knowing the diagnosis alleviated some of the hurt I felt as I realized it wasn't anything I caused, nor anything I could 'fix'. And in spite of the damage he has left in his wake at some distant level I feel sorry for him. He has in fact gained a great deal from me materially but, I doubt he will ever be at peace. One day Momma and her money will be gone. One day the last vestiges of his handsome good looks will fade and when character is all he has to build relationships, I believe he will sadly find his bucket empty. The empathy though is not to be expressed to him as he is only able to use it for further abuse. I have learned that there is a place for good "anger" not to hurt others, but to build needed boundaries to keep evil at a distance. No one can heal from their broken places if they don't 'own' the broken places.