I painted last night until 2a.m. it was wonderful, I opened the windows in the studio and pulled out the oil paints. It had been so long since I used my oils that I forgot why I have always preferred their luminosity to acrylics. I worked on three canvases yesterday, and have worked several hours today on a third one. I have this exhibition in my mind that I am propelled toward creating, "Breaking the Silence".
After 16 years of being silent and polite and supportive and forgiving and sacrificial and enabling a narcissist to nearly ruin my life, I have a few things to "say" with my art. And I intend to say them, however uncomfortable or surprising they may be. I found the guest thoughts page written when I had my Solo Exhibit "Can You Play" at UGA way back in 1980 and the comments were very encouraging and intelligent. I also found the papers from the 1987 Hawaii Women's History Exhibition,which I was in on my way out of Hawaii. I found my self momentarily saddened that I had allowed myself to get so far from my calling to paint, for so long. Then I got over it and on with the moment with a renewed drive to pick my paints up once again and to say what I want through my art work.
On the surface of my life, I have been devastated financially, but don't count me out as yet. I have been on a remarkable journey this past year and although painful, I would not trade any of it for the gift of having my peace, joy, and freedom back. The gift among the thorns has been coming to terms with the traumas in my own life, that set me up to attract such flawed characters to my life. Now that I understand, I have and will continue to do boundary work. I may not seem as "sweet" but if all you like is my unquestioning compliance, then I don't need you in my life anyway. I will no longer be any one's 'object' to be used or abused. I will be the 'subject' of my own life and I will celebrate the unique individual that God created me to be.
Much like a close call with a life threatening illness and working through a long recovery process, once you regain your health, you appreciate the simple things so much more. I am relishing the freedom we now enjoy. We can pray whenever and however we wish, sometimes including dancing to an upbeat contemporary Christian song like "Free to be Me". We can put colorful pictures anywhere we choose. We can eat what we like, when we like. We're not expected to sit for hours in front of a television, watching things that do not interest us. There are no more apologies for being who we are or walking on eggshells trying not to 'set off' his temper. We no longer have to suppress our thoughts or feelings out of fear of his reactions. It is worth so much more than any of the material things he has stolen. I know it is strong language, but I also know that he knows, I know, his child knows, most of his family knows, and for sure the Creator knows that is what he has done. I would not want his Karma. I am endeavoring to release all thoughts of him to God. I prayed for him for so long and still do now and then, but I find that I don't even wish to spend that bit of time on this man. I think God understands.
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