Except when we do not.
I have heard this one liner thrown out a lot lately and on the surface it neatly squares with the concept the we are all in charge of our lives and responsible for every good or bad thing therein. As I have learned and studied so very much in the past two or three years relating to boundaries and even mental personality disorders, I have to say while I can see some truth in the statement, I must say that I don't agree with the context in which I have often seen it used.
For example I can clearly discern, now, from both hindsight and being educated on the nature of my ex-husband's personality disorder how my giving and "compliant" nature enabled him. But I can also see that I did not "teach" him to be a narcissist, he came already wired with that unfortunate disease. I was operating from a view of normal nurturing and Christian concepts of love as spoken of in Corinthians. It is not considered enabling in a healthy relationship to forgive or tolerate, but in an abusive one it is too often thrown back in your face as if to say "you asked for it". No mentally healthy man or woman has ever taught their abuser to abuse them. Many of us do have boundary issues, especially sweet nurturing southern women. It has been ingrained in us for many generations and the truth is in healthy relationships with healthy people it is not a bad trait at all. But in an increasingly malfunctioning world full of messed up people, it can set us up to be like a lamb wandering in to a slaughter.
We can learn to spot these individuals and we can learn to put up and keep up healthy boundaries to keep evil at bay and still allow loving relationships into our lives. We do need to stop worrying so much about what others think of us or even hurting their feelings and get on with the business of being our authentic selves. But please be careful when you throw that phrase out there as a blanket statement implying that every victim of a bad relationship consciously chose to be one.
This statement also follows the pop logic that if young girls didn't dress so provocatively there would be less rapists. Rape is not about sex, it is about power and a sick individual uses sex to dominate and diminish the worth of the victim. Provocative dress might make a man look, even be aroused but healthy individuals then court the girl they don't physically assault her. I am tired of seeing this blaming of victims.
My gut feeling is that some people who haven't been victimized find the whole subject way too uncomfortable to discuss. They find their concerns easier to dismiss by thinking the victim "did" something to cause this to happen. It then follows that if you don't make that same mistake then you will be safe from ever being a victim. It is true that through education, we can be safer from situations and even learn to follow concrete relational strategies that will greatly reduce the odds of our being victimized. We can avoid obvious careless situations that leave us compromised, but please stop blaming those who are victimized. Listen to them and learn from them if you can and try to support them as they heal. It is not helpful at all to respond with condescending statements, which are effective for sure in turning off hurting people from seeking the help they need, but in no way helps them heal or you to learn from them.
Yes we do have to take the romantic Hollywood pablum and temper it with some serious and honest reality checks. We have to be courageous enough to examine our misconceptions and to learn from not only our own mistakes, but from our fellow humans as well. We can't afford to not hear the truth and we can not afford to believe that evil does not exist in the world, it does and it has to be met with some not so polite defensive barriers. I am all for straight talk that helps us all grow. I am not for boxed in simplistic views that label victims as having "created their own reality" or "drawn bad vibes to them" etc.. The same perpetrators of this view are often the ones who insist that all people are good. I think most people are good, but I know not all people are good. God gave us free will and some have very deliberately rejected Him and it is naive to not respect their choice. God will.
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