Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Reflection on Why God "allows" life to be Hard at times
God honors our choices and has shown immeasurable patience to allow humanity to choose Him. It is often in the valleys of life that we get down to getting "real" and beyond our intellectual doubts as we are humbled by our helplessness and reach out to God. And when in our darkest hours He responds and begins His work in our life, then one is deeply and forever changed. Shalom replaces the frantic race. Gray becomes technicolor. Despair transforms to hope. Fear dissipates as trust grows. Wounds begin to heal. And one learns that life is hard, but how much harder without God? Without God it is an invariable downward spiral.
As Summer Break Winds Down
Reflecting on the long summer break. I had a huge long "to do" list, much of it I accomplished. Some of it I have not and may not get "done". Those things would once have caused me stress as I would have pushed myself to do them or at least felt "guilty" for not having done so. Guess there has been a shift in my thinking, as I am learning not to be SO hard on myself.
So let's see what has been accomplished. I did get the "storage" and moving in boxes that filled the third room up gone through. All it needs now is a mattress and box springs to be a functional guest bedroom. I did get block out curtains hung in every room except the studio (where I do not want them) and I got every window in the loft sealed with duct tape. The studio was sorted out and is now tidy and functional again. These were housekeeping chores.
I did get the Bankruptcy petition filed and well underway to be wrapped up in late August which is the beginning of putting the financial "healing" on track though it will be a slow recovery, it is the first step in that recovery.
I have made great progress in improving my relationship with my daughter. I have especially grown from working through my own boundary issues, and thereby seeing some positive results in efforts to establish healthy boundaries with my child. Most significantly I have grown out of trying to overcompensate and stress over past mistakes. I have let go feeling responsible for who she chooses to be or not be. I have learned to assert my role as the boundary setter and to not be so easily manipulated when my daughter tries to run over or challenge the boundaries. I am not so quick to respond to her efforts to "push my buttons" and manipulate me. It is still difficult at times, but I have let go this freaky fear that she is acting like her Father which was making me feel sick with worry. Instead I am simply making every educated effort to respond differently than I did with him. She may have learned the behaviors from him for manipulating me, but she can "unlearn" them if they do not yield the same compliant behavior from me. This is a huge step forward.
I have painted a lot in the last few weeks. This was on my list, and as I analyzed the summer winding down I realized that i had followed my standard pattern of "do all the NOT fun stuff first, then do what you love". Problem with that is time has a way of getting gone and when only the chores are done and nothing for the soul, resentment and depression grow. So, I adjusted and moved that creative time right to the top of the list. Loft isn't as 'spotless', laundry is not all done, let the office just be as it is...but have done 3 paintings and a collage since coming back from the beach on July 7th....and enjoyed it!
Things left "undone"? Lesson plans, articles for School Arts, the office shredding, eye doctor, and dentist. The latter have as much to do with finances as time. Also haven't beat the smoking habit as yet, but have made great strides. When at the beach I only smoked two cigarettes a day and it wasn't hard. I have the Chantix scrip and got it filled, but have been intimidated by the side effects warnings...keep 'thinking' just stop on your own like you did before. I hope to mange this before October 1st. I may do better at it when I am back to the school routine and not home alone so much.
I am gearing up for a week away again, back to Virginia and seeing family and breathing in the familiar smells and sights of my mountain ancestry. Can't explain it, but it always renews my spirit.
The best accomplishments of this summer break have been those changes that are internal and of the heart and soul. The theme that has recurred is "Be Still My Soul". In finding those quiet spaces that renew and heal and grow a healthier and happier me. I am not where I want to be, but I celebrate how much closer I am to that place and the progress I have made. Inspires me to keep moving forward in anticipation, determination, and hope.
So let's see what has been accomplished. I did get the "storage" and moving in boxes that filled the third room up gone through. All it needs now is a mattress and box springs to be a functional guest bedroom. I did get block out curtains hung in every room except the studio (where I do not want them) and I got every window in the loft sealed with duct tape. The studio was sorted out and is now tidy and functional again. These were housekeeping chores.
I did get the Bankruptcy petition filed and well underway to be wrapped up in late August which is the beginning of putting the financial "healing" on track though it will be a slow recovery, it is the first step in that recovery.
I have made great progress in improving my relationship with my daughter. I have especially grown from working through my own boundary issues, and thereby seeing some positive results in efforts to establish healthy boundaries with my child. Most significantly I have grown out of trying to overcompensate and stress over past mistakes. I have let go feeling responsible for who she chooses to be or not be. I have learned to assert my role as the boundary setter and to not be so easily manipulated when my daughter tries to run over or challenge the boundaries. I am not so quick to respond to her efforts to "push my buttons" and manipulate me. It is still difficult at times, but I have let go this freaky fear that she is acting like her Father which was making me feel sick with worry. Instead I am simply making every educated effort to respond differently than I did with him. She may have learned the behaviors from him for manipulating me, but she can "unlearn" them if they do not yield the same compliant behavior from me. This is a huge step forward.
I have painted a lot in the last few weeks. This was on my list, and as I analyzed the summer winding down I realized that i had followed my standard pattern of "do all the NOT fun stuff first, then do what you love". Problem with that is time has a way of getting gone and when only the chores are done and nothing for the soul, resentment and depression grow. So, I adjusted and moved that creative time right to the top of the list. Loft isn't as 'spotless', laundry is not all done, let the office just be as it is...but have done 3 paintings and a collage since coming back from the beach on July 7th....and enjoyed it!
Things left "undone"? Lesson plans, articles for School Arts, the office shredding, eye doctor, and dentist. The latter have as much to do with finances as time. Also haven't beat the smoking habit as yet, but have made great strides. When at the beach I only smoked two cigarettes a day and it wasn't hard. I have the Chantix scrip and got it filled, but have been intimidated by the side effects warnings...keep 'thinking' just stop on your own like you did before. I hope to mange this before October 1st. I may do better at it when I am back to the school routine and not home alone so much.
I am gearing up for a week away again, back to Virginia and seeing family and breathing in the familiar smells and sights of my mountain ancestry. Can't explain it, but it always renews my spirit.
The best accomplishments of this summer break have been those changes that are internal and of the heart and soul. The theme that has recurred is "Be Still My Soul". In finding those quiet spaces that renew and heal and grow a healthier and happier me. I am not where I want to be, but I celebrate how much closer I am to that place and the progress I have made. Inspires me to keep moving forward in anticipation, determination, and hope.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
PROVERBS 12:25 "A kind word cheers him up."
"You are an educated, experienced, perceptive woman who has lived for a while in a situation that did not allow you to be all that you can be. As you decide what and how you are going to live, all sorts of changes are likely. Trust yourself."I ran across this note to me from January 2010...a time when I did not trust myself very much at all. I am celebrating how far I have come since then and I must say there is indeed Life after chaos. My morning prayers are different now, not "Lord help me survive another day" but "Thank you Lord for another day. Please let me not get in the way of your will in my life." I am so grateful for those who lifted me up and still DO. Never underestimate the value of positive words spoken into the lives of others, for they can be that little candle of hope in the dark valleys of life.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Reflections on Contrasts in Life
Our trip to the Daytona Beach proved to be mostly wonderful. It was awesome to be with family, especially my Stepmom and the long walks in the morning and conversations. The location and beauty of the condo itself was a huge contrast to the austerity we have lived in for the past several years now. At times I felt 'out of place' amidst such luxury. The contrast between sitting on leather sofas with a view of the ocean and pool verses, sitting on a lumpy thrift store loveseat in our sparsely furnished loft apartment was huge. Eating out every night at excellent restaurants, with hosts who insisted on paying the tab every single time, was appreciated and awkward at the same time. Obviously with my financial challenges, I truly did appreciate the generosity even as it made me a tad uncomfortable. It was a refreshing blessing and a balm for the tattered nerves. I also gained in confidence having made this long trip; both in my newly repaired auto and my self. And I enjoyed the company of both the family and my daughter.
Before we even got home my daughter had arranged to go to her friend's house. She has only spent one night at home since we got back a week ago today. So, I have gone from lots of company to complete solitude, a schedule organized by hosts to a schedule completely dictated only by me! I am calmly aware that I prefer neither extreme and must laugh at that one! I miss the company of my daughter, but not the demands and loudness (she has tended to be up late talking on Skype on the phone). I often feel like she only talks to me when she wants something from me like food or a ride.
She used to speak with me about her many dreams, but she doesn't seem able to dream much anymore. I am pretty sure this directly relates to her having seen so many dreams and hopes dashed in the last year or so. It should not surprise me that she is so restlessly trying to fill every moment with chatter and companionship of her friends. She says they love her because she makes them laugh. Right now she obviously needs that laughter and sense of belonging. I do hope and pray that as time passes she will be able to dream again and be at peace in her solitude.
When her Daddy burst her "bubble" I believe a lot of her very inner joy escaped. I sense that she is in some ways frantically trying to recover that joy. I know I can not DO it for her. Oh how I wish I could, as of all the material losses they mean nothing in comparison to the harm her Father has caused my child in her very heart.
Now today I will do what I can do with this solitude. I will listen to music and paint. I have not the clear drive of direction I did in the winter, but more of a playful experimental meandering. After so many seasons of stress and complexity, I am thinking I do need to learn "to play" again. Ah ha maybe my daughter and I are both doing that now.
Before we even got home my daughter had arranged to go to her friend's house. She has only spent one night at home since we got back a week ago today. So, I have gone from lots of company to complete solitude, a schedule organized by hosts to a schedule completely dictated only by me! I am calmly aware that I prefer neither extreme and must laugh at that one! I miss the company of my daughter, but not the demands and loudness (she has tended to be up late talking on Skype on the phone). I often feel like she only talks to me when she wants something from me like food or a ride.
She used to speak with me about her many dreams, but she doesn't seem able to dream much anymore. I am pretty sure this directly relates to her having seen so many dreams and hopes dashed in the last year or so. It should not surprise me that she is so restlessly trying to fill every moment with chatter and companionship of her friends. She says they love her because she makes them laugh. Right now she obviously needs that laughter and sense of belonging. I do hope and pray that as time passes she will be able to dream again and be at peace in her solitude.
When her Daddy burst her "bubble" I believe a lot of her very inner joy escaped. I sense that she is in some ways frantically trying to recover that joy. I know I can not DO it for her. Oh how I wish I could, as of all the material losses they mean nothing in comparison to the harm her Father has caused my child in her very heart.
Now today I will do what I can do with this solitude. I will listen to music and paint. I have not the clear drive of direction I did in the winter, but more of a playful experimental meandering. After so many seasons of stress and complexity, I am thinking I do need to learn "to play" again. Ah ha maybe my daughter and I are both doing that now.
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