Our trip to the Daytona Beach proved to be mostly wonderful. It was awesome to be with family, especially my Stepmom and the long walks in the morning and conversations. The location and beauty of the condo itself was a huge contrast to the austerity we have lived in for the past several years now. At times I felt 'out of place' amidst such luxury. The contrast between sitting on leather sofas with a view of the ocean and pool verses, sitting on a lumpy thrift store loveseat in our sparsely furnished loft apartment was huge. Eating out every night at excellent restaurants, with hosts who insisted on paying the tab every single time, was appreciated and awkward at the same time. Obviously with my financial challenges, I truly did appreciate the generosity even as it made me a tad uncomfortable. It was a refreshing blessing and a balm for the tattered nerves. I also gained in confidence having made this long trip; both in my newly repaired auto and my self. And I enjoyed the company of both the family and my daughter.
Before we even got home my daughter had arranged to go to her friend's house. She has only spent one night at home since we got back a week ago today. So, I have gone from lots of company to complete solitude, a schedule organized by hosts to a schedule completely dictated only by me! I am calmly aware that I prefer neither extreme and must laugh at that one! I miss the company of my daughter, but not the demands and loudness (she has tended to be up late talking on Skype on the phone). I often feel like she only talks to me when she wants something from me like food or a ride.
She used to speak with me about her many dreams, but she doesn't seem able to dream much anymore. I am pretty sure this directly relates to her having seen so many dreams and hopes dashed in the last year or so. It should not surprise me that she is so restlessly trying to fill every moment with chatter and companionship of her friends. She says they love her because she makes them laugh. Right now she obviously needs that laughter and sense of belonging. I do hope and pray that as time passes she will be able to dream again and be at peace in her solitude.
When her Daddy burst her "bubble" I believe a lot of her very inner joy escaped. I sense that she is in some ways frantically trying to recover that joy. I know I can not DO it for her. Oh how I wish I could, as of all the material losses they mean nothing in comparison to the harm her Father has caused my child in her very heart.
Now today I will do what I can do with this solitude. I will listen to music and paint. I have not the clear drive of direction I did in the winter, but more of a playful experimental meandering. After so many seasons of stress and complexity, I am thinking I do need to learn "to play" again. Ah ha maybe my daughter and I are both doing that now.
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