Reflecting on the long summer break. I had a huge long "to do" list, much of it I accomplished. Some of it I have not and may not get "done". Those things would once have caused me stress as I would have pushed myself to do them or at least felt "guilty" for not having done so. Guess there has been a shift in my thinking, as I am learning not to be SO hard on myself.
So let's see what has been accomplished. I did get the "storage" and moving in boxes that filled the third room up gone through. All it needs now is a mattress and box springs to be a functional guest bedroom. I did get block out curtains hung in every room except the studio (where I do not want them) and I got every window in the loft sealed with duct tape. The studio was sorted out and is now tidy and functional again. These were housekeeping chores.
I did get the Bankruptcy petition filed and well underway to be wrapped up in late August which is the beginning of putting the financial "healing" on track though it will be a slow recovery, it is the first step in that recovery.
I have made great progress in improving my relationship with my daughter. I have especially grown from working through my own boundary issues, and thereby seeing some positive results in efforts to establish healthy boundaries with my child. Most significantly I have grown out of trying to overcompensate and stress over past mistakes. I have let go feeling responsible for who she chooses to be or not be. I have learned to assert my role as the boundary setter and to not be so easily manipulated when my daughter tries to run over or challenge the boundaries. I am not so quick to respond to her efforts to "push my buttons" and manipulate me. It is still difficult at times, but I have let go this freaky fear that she is acting like her Father which was making me feel sick with worry. Instead I am simply making every educated effort to respond differently than I did with him. She may have learned the behaviors from him for manipulating me, but she can "unlearn" them if they do not yield the same compliant behavior from me. This is a huge step forward.
I have painted a lot in the last few weeks. This was on my list, and as I analyzed the summer winding down I realized that i had followed my standard pattern of "do all the NOT fun stuff first, then do what you love". Problem with that is time has a way of getting gone and when only the chores are done and nothing for the soul, resentment and depression grow. So, I adjusted and moved that creative time right to the top of the list. Loft isn't as 'spotless', laundry is not all done, let the office just be as it is...but have done 3 paintings and a collage since coming back from the beach on July 7th....and enjoyed it!
Things left "undone"? Lesson plans, articles for School Arts, the office shredding, eye doctor, and dentist. The latter have as much to do with finances as time. Also haven't beat the smoking habit as yet, but have made great strides. When at the beach I only smoked two cigarettes a day and it wasn't hard. I have the Chantix scrip and got it filled, but have been intimidated by the side effects warnings...keep 'thinking' just stop on your own like you did before. I hope to mange this before October 1st. I may do better at it when I am back to the school routine and not home alone so much.
I am gearing up for a week away again, back to Virginia and seeing family and breathing in the familiar smells and sights of my mountain ancestry. Can't explain it, but it always renews my spirit.
The best accomplishments of this summer break have been those changes that are internal and of the heart and soul. The theme that has recurred is "Be Still My Soul". In finding those quiet spaces that renew and heal and grow a healthier and happier me. I am not where I want to be, but I celebrate how much closer I am to that place and the progress I have made. Inspires me to keep moving forward in anticipation, determination, and hope.
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