Go Jump In The Lake!

 It was a beautiful day to go "jump in the lake". And the wetsuit helped with the cold for sure, but it was still extremely cold for the first two seconds. The costume parade was fun, 35 participants dressed silly then to all jump into the cold winter lake. The effort raised $15,000. for the Northeast Georgia Council on Domestic Violence. Soon as I got out of the wet clothes, I found my way to some hot chocolate:) My jumping was about playing it forward. Heart Haven's theme: "Love Shouldn't Hurt".
   Made a nice dinner at home, talapia, brown rice, wilted spinach, and sweet potatoes. My teenager promptly pronounced it as. "nasty". I guess I am getting a thicker skin, as this is exactly the type of comment that would have come from her Father. I just said, "Oh well, it's healthy and tasty and it is dinner. You might try it before you decide not to eat because I am not making anything else tonight." She grabbed her plate and left the room. No, not the appreciative companion I would have preferred, but I am feeling it is absolutely essential that I employ what I have learned in this last year.
  I will not react to such negative behaviors, I will respond but not let them budge me or my peace. I love my child dearly. I will teach her that Mom isn't to be bullied, not by her Father or her. I can already foresee the day will come when she isn't getting something she wants and she will threaten to go live with him etc... I am practicing the cool response, "that has always been your choice and still is". Now, I will of course pray to God that she does not make that choice as I feel it would be harmful to her in many ways. But if I don't want to teach her to be an enabler, I also do not want to nurture self-centered manipulative behaviors either. I am in search of a middle ground of good health, compassion with boundaries.
  One of my magnolia sisters, says we "teach others how to treat us". I believe there is a lot of truth in that statement. I believe I certainly have to choose my battles but, I am thankful that I at least now have the energy to do so. I can only imagine this phase of mothering would have been incredibly difficult if still living under the abusive cloud of her Father. My lawyer reflected that if we had stayed and things continued as they were, it most certainly would have ended violently. It wasn't lost on me that there was the implication that sweet old doormat might have snapped and turned on the abuser, not in defense of myself but in defense of my child. It gives me cold chills to contemplate it, but I know she is precisely right. It was a case of fight or flight and flight is certainly the safest long range option.
    And as I contemplate that fact, how much worse it could have been, it reminds me that for all the financial damage and material losses I am still alive and free, as is my daughter and yes even my abusive husband. My joy is coming back more and more. My fears and worries have been soothed and are less and less a dominant force in my day. The more I let go my worries to God, the more peace I feel. I have choices and free will and I choose to trust and to hope. I am caring less and less about how politically correct it is to express my faith. I am not preachy or pushy, I am humbled and grateful and I will PRAISE all that I feel like praising. It's a God thing baby. I am not special at all, but I have an extraordinary God and I will not allow "religious folk" nor "fence sitters" nor "atheists" to push me into a box anymore. Guess I am not just braving cold lake waters, I am also braving cold people too.

Reflections on Mediation and Such

  Sincerely hoping and praying that he signs the final paperwork in a timely manner. Somehow after a year and a half, I expect not. The mediation just set me back further, but glad the tax refund had come in so that it was even doable. Keep my retirement, permanent restraining order, a bit more child support, and child determines visitation. He can call, he did once but she rejected it. That is her right, but I expect there will be noise made of it. All for show.
  I predict his Momma plans to let the house foreclose and the county sell it etc,, then she will buy it and let him live there, sheltered yet again from the IRS. I can only let the 'vingence is mine, sayeth the Lord' assist me with the sense of injustice. I predict the end will not be pleasant for such evil behaviors. I would still choose my fate over either of theirs, I can not imagine how they sleep knowing the truth. Actually I suspect they don't without chemical assistance.
  Bible says don't repay evil for evil. We certainly have not, but it has certainly been a temptation. I predict somehow that we will still end up in court before the judge, and perhaps that will be where the justice flips. We have tried hard to be fair, but when a control freak has any say at all about letting go of control their pathology seems to override their common sense ( not to mention any sense of fairness, truth, or empathy). So very reliant on others who are good to stay the course, no matter how underhanded and devious they are.

Warm Memories

I loved the months spent on the Big Island, all the beauty of the tropics and all the warmth of Southern Hospitality. "Talkin' story around the campfire and weaving palm fronds with kids on the beach, the fragrant rain forest, the hush and sizzle as the lava hit the sea with new jet black sand the next day, ah it has been too long since I have thought of this beautiful place I love. I enjoyed clicking through and could actually recall the aromas and textures of these places (well everything except the golf courses and resorts as I was a camping and bungalow nature kinda traveler :) Warm trip for a cold winter's eve.

Hawaii's Big Island Gallery

Grace in the Moment

   I was seeking to release a grudge by forgiving one whom I felt betrayed my trust. Sad to say the response was a condescending one that only added to the hurt. I have to let that go. I am carrying too many scars already. Perhaps in time I will attempt it again. I think the effort was perhaps enlightening though. It revealed more to me about their defensiveness than grace. Even in a church there are people who are blinded by their own self-perceived perfection.
   If I could, I would share the reasons I feel they are being used, but I know too well how easily the master manipulator uses the good in others to twist their empathy and intellect into compassionately playing into his hands. It is clear to me that is the case.
   She said they supported him because he had no support, while I had lots of support. Interesting, we lived in a shelter for eight months. I work and pay our way. He is in my home, with all the furnishings that I am still stuck paying for while his wealthy Mother buys him a car for cash, pays for his lawyers, he plays on the lake all summer, dates, and from all outward appearances and possessions he has made out like a bandit and yet she says he has no support?
   

Simplify and Focus

    I find myself distracted by so many outside demands that I am having difficulty remaining centered and deciding which task to complete first, yikes. I am that 5th grader my then teacher gently spoke of "does beautiful work when she is able to focus on one thing at a time and complete the work, but tries to do so many things at once that she has trouble ..."
    That's still it in a nutshell. Spiritual growth, Mothering, money management, job, church, and artist. Interesting  how that list is ordered. It seems like forever the artist (me) is on the bottom. I am sensing that I need to somehow, some way manage to slide it closer to the top. I haven't figured that one out as yet.
   I long for the sense that I am moving through my life, rather than being pushed around by my life.  Speaking of push, I need to leave by in twenty minutes in order to make the early service and I am not even dressed yet...an so it goes:)

When You're Smiling...

My friend brought me four new canvases as a Christmas gift, amazing timing! I am enjoying the sense of being so gifted by the family and friends in my life and the subtle little "I'm here" messages I keep feeling the creator bonking on my head, a giggly joy after a storm. She also came with groceries and went to cooking in my tiny kitchen, the three of us had a wonderful feast last night. It was so nice to be able to share with her so many good things, since she has been my friend since we were 11 she knows my heart and life story more than anyone. How cool to be able to share so much of our lives and the thread of friendship only grow stronger. For the last many years, we saw each other, but had never been given the space to just stay up talking all night together. Her husband Tom, is so cool to "allow" her the space to come and hang out with me. I am so enjoying having the freedom to enjoy these simple yet priceless gifts of time. If I were my calabash mother (Zadie) I would be saying, "thank you Jesus" hmm think I will anyway cause it sure feels right. Thank YOU <><    It ain't about fitting in a box child, it is about getting out of em and to where you were created to be. lol

The best dreams happen with your eyes wide open.

   So, maybe it's taken thirty years but I think I am back in a kind of zone I haven't felt since Sweetwater Studio days. I am out of the box and it is feeling so good, dawning on me the same thing I've been speaking to my art-kids is true for me, "just keep working, your best is good enough" gee how liberating is that! We had another great meal/feast last night and then Peg scrapped pics of her grandson while I painted, and we listened to great music and popped back and forth and talked; that's why I spun off the oil stuff for a bit I have to really focus when I am doing realistic style stuff...can't be talking and laughing and such.
  Being around my childhood long friend has given energy to my sense of coming of age and pieces falling in place. Like few others we can reflect on our journeys and share the insights, joys, and sorrows. There is no worry here of needing to censor truths it is an unconditional trusting kind of space and a blessing. I may be misunderstood or labeled by others, somehow it just doesn't matter so much when there is the knowledge that those who truly know us see beyond those labels. Feeling free to be my perfectly IMPERFECT me, what a concept! I hope all reading this are approaching 2011 with a childlike spark of optimism and I wish us all a good growing season in 2011.