Patience

 I have sought this week to be in a peaceful state of patience and leave the worries so that I might embrace the joy in each day. Ah but today yet another 'deadline' has come and gone with no word from my attorney as to whether the statement from his attorney a week ago was worth anything at all. Did he sign? Will it conclude quietly with the stroke of a judge? Or is there yet more preparing and hustling around for a court date to be done. It is plainly out of my control.
 I have resisted pestering my attorney today, but I doubt I will be able to do so tomorrow afternoon. My concern is that the longer we "wait" the more stressed out the preparations will become. I am especially concerned that we be able to give adequate time to witnesses to arrange their schedules, so that they can appear. Three days is not adequate in my opinion. We need to give them at least two weeks to rearrange their professional obligations.
 And in that vein I am supposing it yet might be August before this thing is settled before a judge. I am weary of the wait and having to prepare over and over again for trials or mediations that are then either delayed or not honored.
 Okay done with venting. He said he would "never" give me a divorce. But, the judge will, sooner or later.Time to partake another mega-dose of patience.

My Daughter the Writer Returns

   A remarkable moment, a shift in the journey has come into view and the glimpse feels like seeing a rainbow after a storm. My daughter is excited about a story she is writing. This used to be a regular part of my experience with her since she was very young, with her first "Young Authors" piece being in Kindergarten. Last night she asked me to sit down so she could read to me what she had written so far. It was excellent. And she was back to writing on it, as I was telling her "goodnight".
  Her writing has matured and the story itself is remarkable in that context alone. However, as her mother who has outwardly seen very little of the creative aspects of my child in this past year, it is like those first green shoots of spring appearing after a long gray winter! I have missed this aspect of my daughter and perhaps even mourned them as I have seen her more and more preoccupied with the ordinary trials and preoccupations of being thirteen. Boys, friends, fashion, makeup, hair, and worrying about how others perceive her have been a major focus which at times seemed to bring out a person I hardly recognized.
"Where is my child and what have you done to her?" could have been my question to puberty!
   And now as she is growing in confidence, out pops this subtle shift that is like a breath of fresh air and recognition all at the same time. "Yes, I know this child. Yes, she is still in tact beneath the superficial preoccupations of adolescence." Hope floats.

Patience and Gratitude

 I am thinking that my walk in recent days has been about cultivating a deeper root in both of these traits. I have certainly not arrived but sense that I AM making progress in both areas. I have been so outwardly passive in the past, that it led to being a doormat. Once I found my voice again, perhaps I was so vocal that I needed to draw upon finding a place "in the middle" as India Arie sings. Circumstances have certainly dictated that I find that place and the time it has taken has required patience. In order to keep my inner peace I have had to nurture patience and gratitude. Somewhere in the process trust has found its way into the mix.
 Perspective is an interesting element and a clarifying one as well. If one chooses to live in peace, then one must come to terms with things that can not be controlled whether it regards the past or the future. And peace is about being calm in the present moment. For every calm moment, I am grateful. For every quiet revelation, I am grateful. In the moments of struggle, I am quicker to recognize my tendency to fret and obsess and able to pull back and respond before I over react. I have not perfected this one, but I am making progress. I must be patient with myself. Firmer, simpler, quieter, and warmer is an old mantra of mine. I think that I am finally on the brink of arriving at that point after all these years and trials. Thank you Lord.

Beautiful Day and Sunset in Georgia

Okay, good day managed to turn the 2nd school room back into a functioning art room, heard from attorney that she was taking the decree 'today" and had a meaningful meeting with the magnolias! The sun was shining today and Georgia is popping out in the beautiful fresh spring greens and lots of the pastures around here look as if they were spray painted lavender, beautiful. The sunset this evening was especially nice with three distinct beams shining down from a cloud and the pinks and lavenders...masterful landscape. Peach trees and pear trees are also in bloom on the rolling hillsides. Hawaii sunsets on the Big Island were particularly lovely, but this piece of North Georgia has its own pastoral beauty as well. It is STILL a beautiful world.

Signed it Anyway

  My lawyer advised I go ahead and sign it as written and that she will be there for me "for free" if he bothers me afterward. My retirement is protected as is my daughter. If he stalks again or threatens, I will simply file a criminal complaint against him, and since he is facing one of those from a separate case I am guessing he has been recently reminded that jail is not where he really wants to spend a lot more time. I am not happy at all with some of the language but I signed it anyway, I am ready to be done with this foolishness. I am supposing there will be aggravation and my attorney may in fact have to represent me in court for free, if he can persuade his Momma to pay for yet another attorney, I am trusting my daughter and the truth and therapists if necessary to settle that business should it arise.
 If he refuses to sign this agreement, as written by his attorney then I am guessing we will be at trial soon? He told our daughter he would never "give" me a divorce, even as it is in his best interest to do so. We will see which voice in his head wins the day the controller or the self-interested? He can't have it both ways.

Subtle Twists Again?

 No big surprise, he refused to sign the final papers, leaving the mediation agreements as if they were hardly relevant. While the retirement is in tact and our daughter is given power to control visitation, the same tired redundant language has reappeared via his lawyers current proposed order. The restraining order is missing, the order to get me off the mortgage is missing, the "consulting with him" has reappeared as has the language that says I will encourage a relationship between them. I am totally neutral in the later and have been since we left. His cruel and manipulative behaviors were the catalyst for our leaving and for DFCS stepping in, the TPO, etc... He has continued the same tone in his visits and conversations with his daughter. he is incapable of getting that she is no longer a naive four year old. She does love him, I am sure, but she does not like him. If he had listened to his own therapist, I have no doubt their relationship could have improved. He is his own worst enemy relationally. I am not his enemy, but I am no longer his enabler and I will not push his daughter into that role. Any empathy must not be expressed to him, because he has and will continue to only view it as an opportunity to manipulate and abuse.
 So, it is my guess we will yet again be setting a court date...more time, more dollars and more delay. I hope he does find a girlfriend. I haven't prayed that but only because I can't wish another victim be caught up in his trip. Still, I am convinced that  he would quickly sign if he'd secured a new "mark" . There has to be an external motivation for him to sign. He has no inner resources that discourage him from doing unethical or controlling actions and it is my belief that he will continue to delay, as it gives  him a false sense of control.
   
 

A Good Week

   A busy but good week, full of joy and accomplishment. I made major progress in getting the current art classroom cleaned up, packed up, and ready for my move to the second campus. I got art works returned to children and we made some work just to hang up to decorate the lunchroom and hallways with the understanding that they won't get them back until the fall.
  The children have been especially sweet this week as they are realizing that it is time for me to say goodbye again. The fifth graders have been more sentimental than usual as our goodbye is of a more permanent nature. They will be moving on up to the Middle School and since I no longer live in their town, I am not likely to see many of them. It is a sad part of teaching, softened by the bumper crop of fresh young kindergarten students who arrive in the fall.
   We did our usual busy week with group and church, but added two extras this week. Tuesday night a former student came over and had dinner with us, which was particularly delightful. She even brought a bouquet of fresh flowers! Oh my goodness how lovely they are and she is doing so well.
  Thursday night my daughter persuaded me to take her to the high school baseball game, which was a shut out! I was glad to see a few former students playing so well and really glad it finished up early as it was cold once the sun went down.
   I managed to pay my attorney a substantial amount this month and that was gratifying. Today a coworker paid me $20.00 for painting a banner that only took me about 20 minutes to do...wow. A great week.