Valley Hiccups

  I despise getting hiccups. I always think it is my fault for having breathed too fast. And then there it is this thing that gives me a headache and seems as if it will not end and yet it does. This was a Monday that seemed to be something like that hiccup, that sense of being out of sync.
  Although I woke my daughter up earlier, we still barely made it in time for her to catch the bus. In fact we were there two minutes early but the driver was already pulling out, I flashed my lights and she ran out to get on the bus while I am thinking it is so dark I only pray he sees her. I set things quickly in order for my first class and dash out to car duty.
   Day goes fairly smoothly until lunch when I dash out to bank to see if the support checks are 'good' only to get to his bank and realize he has changed banks since last October to MY bank. Good news, the checks are good. Irritation, I can only imagine the conversations he has had with each and every employee of the branch. I also am irritated that none of this child support money will go to support his child, but will be eaten up in more legal fees for the mediation which is 99% certain to be no more solution than any of the other 'proposals' thus far. It is all about procrastination and domination and I am getting a nasty headache from the frustration of the whole mess.
   Slide back into school in time to quickly consume my Ramen noodles before preparing for the afternoon classes. I look for my watch, removed to do the potter's wheel...damn, it is missing. Spent too much time looking for it, it is gone. If it were actually MY watch and not the one my daughter had lent me, it would not be such a big deal, except that it is also in my face that one of my darling students has stolen it from my desk top. That is a personal jab, a reminder again that you can't trust others and that I was dumb to not 'hide' it and dumb not to lock my door when I ran out to the bank at lunch.
       So, I get on through the afternoon doing my best to teach and not show my upset feelings to my students. When the last group leaves I feel like I am completely drained. I begin to prepare for tomorrow and before I can catch my breath in comes a couple of cute kids with their Dad who want to hang out in my room and they do until I say okay I am going home now. This is like the third time this has happened in the last week and it is wearing thin. I am unsure how to tell them this is my time to plan and prepare and I am not up for entertaining them. I don't want them to feel unwelcome, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.
    And finally we make it to support group and it is amazing how just being there with the 'Magnolias' feels like I am free to be out of the box. It is the one place I do not have to pretend. I can vent and it's okay. I can laugh like a nut and that's okay too. My closest friend in group reflects that maybe I am feeling so "bad" because I didn't paint this past weekend, yeah maybe so.  Driving home I get that tomorrow will surely be better. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. It is just a hiccup; keep breathing.

Do It Anyway

 Last weekend I was bubbling with inspiration and enthusiasm. This weekend I have been grounded by earthly realities. I am reminded of some tid bit I once read while an art student, advising that artists not wait for inspiration, but rather always continue working. This is the first weekend I have not picked up a paintbrush in quite a while. I did laundry, cleaned out the refrigerator, paid bills, fixed the vacum cleaner, ran errands, missed my daughter, and painted an old file cabinet magenta pink. All these needed doing. 

 Today I will keep the church nursery, because it is my turn to do so. After church I will work on tying off student weavings and typing name labels for the art shows. My flower painting calls my name, but for now I must walk past my own urge to lose myself in the art studio. I have been reflecting on Wayne's poem while taking out garbage and doing chores. I think I will calligraphy the words onto parchment, even as I would prefer to paint them directly onto the wall.

 Yesterday I was working through a pervasive sense of almost depression. That little dark voice that whispers, "you really screwed up royally and you are kidding yourself if you think life will ever get better than this, you will never fully recover from this mess you allowed an idiot to make of your life and for what ? your stupid intention to love unconditionally?" Getting through such a day reminds me of lamaze breathing during the extreme pain of childbirth labor. The breathing doesn't stop the pain, but it gives you something to focus on. So, I breath and keep moving and doing what needs doing. I am not superwoman. I have to sleep. The chores need doing, so I do them.  I get mad but I let the anger pass through me...God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  I talk myself into moving forward...Courage to change the things I can. And on my knees I pray...the wisdom to know the difference.  I acknowledge my weariness from the struggle as the thought passes through my mind, a startling thought, that even if the enemy should end my life it would at least mean an end to the worrying and an assurance that my child would be better provided for. I am now Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life? Am I worth more dead than alive? About this same time I am reminded of two conversations with former students in the past week. They are like gifts of ripples in a pond. They told me of my impact on their lives, as if it were a blessing. I was just doing what I do. It mattered to them. It still does. I can't pay a bill with their appreciation, but I can find a peace in knowing that at least parts of my life have been well-lived and not wasted.

 Only God will decide when this battle ends. In the meantime, for better or worse I will keep showing up and doing the best I can each day.

 

"A rock from over here
a feather from up yonder
some water from the sea
gathering up my essence
and putting back together me."
...by Wayne Beckles

Joy & Light

 Embrace the moment
 Laugh at the cacophony
Of noise that surrounds
It can not overcome
The great mystery of the light.
    

light breaks in

Sunny Side Up!

   I took that bit of anger at injustice and put it into something productive, set it in motion and then released it. I've had lots of wise bits floated at me as I was in the post-traumatic stage of recovery. One that has been predominant in my thoughts since Wednesday is the claiming of joy and peace. Immovable peace I think comes only from completely letting go to God all outcomes beyond my control. Taking the time to pray and consider my responses. I do not like being pushed around, it leaves me off-balance. I am learning to plant my feet squarely and stand strong.
  And I stand strong not just against oppression, but I stand strong for joy. I am recalling the quiet simple words of a teacher last March,"Don't let him steal your joy".  This has been difficult at times to maintain, as there has been a steady stream of finding the joy and then another hit, another blow, another assault on any assumption that truth or fairness or remorse might show itself from the other side. The assault has been steady and relentless. And yet, with each challenge I have survived, I have grown stronger. I have grown more sure of trusting my gut response. I am no longer a stressed out, freaked out, fearful mess. I am intentionally choosing to claim my joy.
    For every assault aimed to hurt, God has shown up in the mix and in time over and over again the very manipulation aimed to harm me, has been turned into a positive to help me. I have absolutely no reason to not trust that God is working it all out for the good. The only appropriate response to such grace is gratitude.
     Every beautiful moment with my child and with my students is superior, to any petty foolishness that he throws my way. To see the beautiful colors of a winter sunrise over the rolling hills with the treeline looking like God's own intricate pen and ink masterpiece is simply a joy of priceless value and only requires appreciation. It makes me absolutely giddy with the wonder and beauty of it.
Now, add to that the bonus that I can then take this experience and turn it into a painting lesson with my young artists and voila, what a lucky person I am. The children's enthusiasm for creating and the joy of showing them how to make something beautiful is priceless. I get paid to do this and yet if I were independently wealthy I would want to do it for free, as it brings me so much fulfillment.
   When we came head on with his car this afternoon and all his dramatic acting like he was going to turn around and follow us, I didn't squirm, I calmly said," if he follows us we will just drive directly to the police station". We peeled out as soon as there was an opening in the traffic and he was stuck in the same. We made our way safely home and without his following us or knowing where we went. We laughed and felt pretty good. We also learned that he is now driving a silver Mercedes-Benz, which was a good thing to be aware of as that is quite different than a black suburban. We will know better what to keep an eye out for now.
    I can hardly believe the quantum leaps in joy I have experienced in the last two days. I have made a choice to let the worrying and fear just go to God. I am not naive, I have been trained very well to be safe and watch my back. This isn't just good for protection from him,  it serves also to feel safe as a woman walking through the world alone, with a young daughter. All of the safety precautions are sensible and empowering. We don't have to hide, we just have to be prudent and aware.
  I am free to be myself, however long it takes to have this declared on paper is not so very relevant to the claiming of that joy. I am not perfect for sure, but I like who I am daily growing into being. I like the growth itself. I sleep very well at night. I laugh in my work every day.  Young kids are so much fun to be around. Their curiosity and natural desire for knowledge makes them a delight to teach. They have a great natural sense of joy and they are so authentically themselves, good or bad they are real.
All the possessions in the world can't touch the sheer kick I get out of doing this work.
  Let the Sun shine...amen.
   

Trust and TPO's

  I decided today to allow the TPO to expire, rather than swearing out a new one and the expense and testimony (and drama) that entails, renewing it quietly is not an option. The Judge said I have certain protections that still stand in the temporary divorce agreement. I have decided to give him the opportunity to behave and demonstrate respect for that order. If he encroaches, I will address it by swearing out a new TPO. I am not comfortable with him getting his guns back, but I will try to remember that he didn't like jail and that murdering me simply would not fit into this delusional script he is acting out attempting to portray himself as the misunderstood victim. I also recall him saying many times how he liked the idea that his ex-wife would be always looking over her shoulder in fear of his retaliation. While I intend to continue using all safety precautions I have learned from the council, I do not want fear to dominate my life anymore. And there is a gut feeling I have that tells me showing less fear might also deflate his motivation to attempt to use it continually.
   So, after Wednesday we shall see how this proceeds. Thursday I expect my attorney will be filing another contempt charge, as that is the only thing that seems to get him to write his small child support check. If he decides to ramp up then I imagine that might do it. But, he is going to get a chance here to show what his mouth says. We'll see what he does with it.
  I am teaching in Lavonia through March. Our "new" hearing date isn't until April, but his lawyer requested a mediation prior to trial which the judge ordered, more dollars, more delay. Meantime, I will watch my back carefully, always keep the alarm on, and always have my cellphone close by. If he does "act out" it will only make a stronger case for the permanent restraining order I want in the final decree. I am beginning to see these sometimes strange twists are God yet working stuff out for Sarah and I. So, I will pray lots and trust lots.

Stumbling Through a Labyrinth

  It occurs to me this morning that my journey for the last thirty five years has indeed been like a labyrinth, a multicursal maze or less poetic term might be learning the hard way. The metaphor seems to fit the trip in so many many ways. While walking a labyrinth, you can only see what is dead on in your face, you can't see where it actually leads. It could lead to another dead end or be the route to the center. And getting to the center is the goal. Balance and harmony with the Big Questions, why am I here? who am I? where did I come from? where am I going? "Oh very young, what will you leave us this time? You're only dancing on this earth for a short time." Thing is, I have been aware of when I was closer to finding the tune to my own dance, then without intentionally meaning to I would make a choice in the labyrinth that took me farther and farther away from that center, yikes!!!
  Today I am feeling myself on point and finally coming back to the center, wiser for the rough journey and accepting of the answers I have learned along the way. Dawns on me as surely as this mornings' sunrise that I have been running from myself for many years now. Oh, I surely did not see it at the time. And how I get it now. Independent has been a word often used to describe me. I spent a lot of time jumping through other people's hoops and trying to meet their needs, accept them, love them, etc...with no boundaries. I learned what they wanted from me and dug deep to supply it. Problem with that philosophy is in being someone other than who you truly are, you can find your spirit becomes nearly suffocated. It isn't 'you' doing the loving at all. it is you acting out a role defined by another.
     Okay God, I think your hard-headed daughter is finally beginning to understand. One, I have been looking for love for a very long time and thinking I just wasn't good enough to receive it just as I am, just as YOU made me. Oh dear, and you and I know rather than embracing my self I have blamed you for making me so different that I can't fit in to the boxes. So, I kept trying to learn to fit in the boxes. You knew where all this would lead me all along. The ultimate choice, get out of the box and be who you are or die in the box from suffocation. You give us free will and must be sad or amused at how often we keep wriggling around in these boxes.
   So enough rambling around the point.  In this chaotic labyrinth and the quest to find true love, it leads me back to the essence of realizing it is from you and born in me. It is bigger than any earthly box. Here is my heart. However long or short my days may be on the earth, I promise you I will do my utmost to be true to the lessons you've taught me. I will do my best to honor you by not trying to be any less than you created me to be. I will dream with my eyes wide open. I will worship in joy and I will not let religion get in between you and I. I will fight against those things of darkness that would box me in such as fear, hate, guilt, labels.
      I will endeavor to see myself as you see me, my creator. I will endeavor to trust you to lead me through the rest of this labyrinth, as YOU know I have been greatly humbled by my own inability to find my way. Still I am amazed at your love and care for me along the journey. If I am a slow learner, then you are an amazingly patient teacher. I do not know what lies ahead, but in surveying what lies behind even a slow learner must remark at how many pits you've saved me from falling into. So, I will trust you. You have been here all along, knowing that makes all the difference.

A Salute to Forest Gump

      "I may not be smart, but I know what love is." In learning and cognition, one of the latest research based strategies is to show students examples of good, bad, and exemplary works. This is shown after clearly stating the learning goal or end point of the lesson. I am thinking I have lived this one out in my life when it comes to figuring out what love is and is not.  My conclusion is that love is a verb. It is something you do intentionally. Love is also a feeling to be sure, but it is definitely not an object to be possessed or a case to be "proved".
   My hallmark for if it is genuine love? I believe you want the best for those you love truly, even when it may mean it is not best for them to be with you. Whether it is your first true love or the love for your child, who now has grown independent. Love allows those you truly care for to fly on their own journey with the knowledge that you love them, for love's own sake.
   I think of a scene in "Harold and Maude" where Harold finally gives Maude a trinket with the words "I love you" imprinted in the metal. She throws it in the lake saying, "I will always know where it is" and after she has taken pills to end her life and Harold is so bereft, "but I love you Maude" and she says "great, go and love some more!" I know it was a weird movie, but I liked the sentiment she expressed, go and love some more!