Sunny Side Up!

   I took that bit of anger at injustice and put it into something productive, set it in motion and then released it. I've had lots of wise bits floated at me as I was in the post-traumatic stage of recovery. One that has been predominant in my thoughts since Wednesday is the claiming of joy and peace. Immovable peace I think comes only from completely letting go to God all outcomes beyond my control. Taking the time to pray and consider my responses. I do not like being pushed around, it leaves me off-balance. I am learning to plant my feet squarely and stand strong.
  And I stand strong not just against oppression, but I stand strong for joy. I am recalling the quiet simple words of a teacher last March,"Don't let him steal your joy".  This has been difficult at times to maintain, as there has been a steady stream of finding the joy and then another hit, another blow, another assault on any assumption that truth or fairness or remorse might show itself from the other side. The assault has been steady and relentless. And yet, with each challenge I have survived, I have grown stronger. I have grown more sure of trusting my gut response. I am no longer a stressed out, freaked out, fearful mess. I am intentionally choosing to claim my joy.
    For every assault aimed to hurt, God has shown up in the mix and in time over and over again the very manipulation aimed to harm me, has been turned into a positive to help me. I have absolutely no reason to not trust that God is working it all out for the good. The only appropriate response to such grace is gratitude.
     Every beautiful moment with my child and with my students is superior, to any petty foolishness that he throws my way. To see the beautiful colors of a winter sunrise over the rolling hills with the treeline looking like God's own intricate pen and ink masterpiece is simply a joy of priceless value and only requires appreciation. It makes me absolutely giddy with the wonder and beauty of it.
Now, add to that the bonus that I can then take this experience and turn it into a painting lesson with my young artists and voila, what a lucky person I am. The children's enthusiasm for creating and the joy of showing them how to make something beautiful is priceless. I get paid to do this and yet if I were independently wealthy I would want to do it for free, as it brings me so much fulfillment.
   When we came head on with his car this afternoon and all his dramatic acting like he was going to turn around and follow us, I didn't squirm, I calmly said," if he follows us we will just drive directly to the police station". We peeled out as soon as there was an opening in the traffic and he was stuck in the same. We made our way safely home and without his following us or knowing where we went. We laughed and felt pretty good. We also learned that he is now driving a silver Mercedes-Benz, which was a good thing to be aware of as that is quite different than a black suburban. We will know better what to keep an eye out for now.
    I can hardly believe the quantum leaps in joy I have experienced in the last two days. I have made a choice to let the worrying and fear just go to God. I am not naive, I have been trained very well to be safe and watch my back. This isn't just good for protection from him,  it serves also to feel safe as a woman walking through the world alone, with a young daughter. All of the safety precautions are sensible and empowering. We don't have to hide, we just have to be prudent and aware.
  I am free to be myself, however long it takes to have this declared on paper is not so very relevant to the claiming of that joy. I am not perfect for sure, but I like who I am daily growing into being. I like the growth itself. I sleep very well at night. I laugh in my work every day.  Young kids are so much fun to be around. Their curiosity and natural desire for knowledge makes them a delight to teach. They have a great natural sense of joy and they are so authentically themselves, good or bad they are real.
All the possessions in the world can't touch the sheer kick I get out of doing this work.
  Let the Sun shine...amen.