A Bump in the Road

 Okay so as I am feeling good, WHAM, out of nowhere I wake up with a 'funny' feeling in my face that doesn't go away and gets worse in fact.  The right side of my face is paralyzed. Verdict Bells Palsy, not fatal but no quick fix either. Seems to arrive at the worst possible time. Ah but God has something to teach me in every one of these darn trials. I don't like them, but I am learning to try to get the message. And thus far I am getting the message to slow down, ask for help when needed, and to trust him more. The more I "think" I am getting there and being self-reliant, something like this comes along to remind me I am not to rely on my self but rather on him.
  Having said this, I don't think God zapped me with this one. There were some added stress factors this week and way too little sleep. I am guessing the combination released the formerly dormant viruses and unleashed the attack. I am very thankful it wasn't a stroke, oh yes very much so. This is aggravating and it will pass. Help has already stepped up in the form of a friend who gladly accepted my request to drive me to the lawyer's office Tuesday afternoon. I was really stressing over that one. I need to get on with resolving the debt issues, whichever way the outcome; it is more stressful to not be making some effort at resolution.
  This is a bump in the road. With the expected prognosis of three weeks, it is a fairly big bump, but hopefully God will help us navigate this to a safe resolution. Lessons learned thus far include making a real effort to get adequate rest and trying to reduce the stress factors in my life.  Keeping my optimism and building my inner rock of calm, so that outside forces do not wreak such havoc on my physical well-being. I am sure that the next three weeks will be long and trying. I am just as sure that I will learn more from this unfortunate episode.

Meditation on Forgiveness?

   "Father forgive him he knows not what he does". I stated those words once in my head as my enraged husband was hovering over me with a murderous hatred spewing from his eyes and his mouth and his brutal behavior. That is the night I was for the first time squarely facing the reality that this man I had married and born a beautiful child to just might kill me. And the pathetic thing is that at the time, though extremely frightened I still had love and empathy for him. I still saw him as a victim of a loveless childhood.
  Now, I have a great deal more baggage to lay down, much more damage to recover from and little empathy for his cold heart. I am more like a protective lioness towards her cub. I am less angry at the hurt he caused me, I married him too quickly after all made a huge error in judgement and so I bear responsibility and consequences for that choice. But our child did not . She was planned and wanted and then treated cruelly and still is by her own father. That is where I have a really hard time with forgiving this man. But, I will continue to pray that I will be able to do that at some point in the future.
  I am guessing that our infinite God gets this difficulty. So, I will continue to endeavor to forgive to the best of my ability and hope these sneaky hate feelings wane with time. I keep telling myself something my Mother used to say  " You can hate what a person has done without hating the person." Hmm, something to think about.  My biggest issue is that I hate lies, and I hate being lied to. And I have seen this never ending stream of lies coming from this man over the last 17 months that just make that pile of manure get higher and higher. Get behind me Satan. Sounds corny but sometimes it really really fits the experience.


   

You "Sorry" Alright

 My now ex-husband's words, "I'm sorry" were the last ones spoken to me before he knew I was leaving. He was speaking after I was dealing with yet another call from a creditor to whom I was delinquent. I asked him, "what are you sorry for ?" (only I knew at the time that a report was going to be made to DFACS regarding his abusive behaviors and that a call would be coming to me soon from them and it did about an hour later), he said,"for all the debt I have caused you". Oh how I wish I had a recording of that statement; it might have saved months and months of his lying. It might have been enough to get him out of my house and held responsible for the marital debt.
  Well, it is now an appropriate epitaph to a train wreck of a marriage. Indeed he is sorry. He is a sorry pathetic excuse of a man.

Traveling Light

  So, chapter 7 stays on your 'permanent record' for ten years, "I hope I have ten years!" Chapter 13 only seven years, ditto. I worked my responsible butt off for my whole life, married a bad news asshole, prayed and worked even harder, remained truthful, ethical, and for all of my efforts I have only my retirement and my child as assets. I am feeling like I have been kicked around trying hard to always do and be responsible, the creditors have made a killing off of me. My now (thank you God) ex-husband has all the "stuff" I worked and either paid for (house, boat, kiln, potter's wheel, furnishings, etc....etc...) or owe for (remodeling a whole dang house) while my kid and I live in a rental, with thrift store and hand me down furnishings.Guess he made a killing off me too.
 One thing being a "bad credit" risk insures (I think) is that I am not likely to get caught up in a stupid rat's race again. I am not a rat. I am a rain dancer with an open heart and that is about all I have left to give away. And that is about all that matters when the dust settles and they plant you or release your ashes to the wind. How did you make your fellow humans feel? Did your passing through this planet make the world at all better, if only for a few souls? Did you lift others up? Did you give as much as you could? Did you pass on what bits of wisdom you learned? All of these things will matter for a short time at least in the hearts of those left behind. The stuff money buys, is sold off or thrown away losing its worth almost as soon as its owner is no more.
   Traveling light has always been my preference. Now it means more to me than ever, both spiritually and materially. I have a roof over my head, food in the house, a car, a safe daughter, and I am safe. I have a job I love and a God I love. In this realm I may 'look' poor, but my heart and soul have treasures that you can't go out and buy.

New Dreams?

   I have now heard myself speak this several times to others and while stuck in "my" Egypt, it seemed only a 'fantasy'. Now, it seems within the realm of possibility and "why not?" Why not start working on a doctorate in art education, when Sarah graduates from high school? Why not be prepared to accept a college/ university position hoping to share what I've learned with the next generation of art educators? Why not be open to the fact that it could take me to a whole different geographical location, possibly back to Hawaii or maybe just across the border into South Carolina?
   Why not believe and act on the possibility that the last years of my life might in fact be the best and happiest years of my life? Why not accept that if God wills it, and I am willing to do the work to achieve it all optimum outcomes are within the realm of possibility?
   It seems foolish perhaps in the natural, "at your age" etc... but I believe if God planted the notion in my heart and makes the way open, then I will follow that dream. It will not be from listening to the voices, others or my own, that speak discouragement.

Get Up, Show Up, and Learn

I am praying God keeps us going and we neither one 'lose heart' as He reveals His will to us. I can see only now (in hindsight) how even in the divorce delays intended by my enemy to self-serve, God used it to our good in the supernatural...one example is the issue of visitation, only the long time allowed the therapist(s) to document both husband's personality disorder and daughter's feelings and experiences with her father. God worked those circumstances out so that she has the choice. And now there is this glimmer regarding the hope of debt-relief, that a year ago was not available to me but now because of time and trusting the attorney He provided, it seems this is working to our good as well. Over the last year and a half He has shown this in so many ways, that it has grown my Faith and Trust in Him. Having said that, know that with every leap of Faith and plateau of peace and grace there has almost always followed another fierce challenge from the enemy, trying that new faith and these battles can be brutal, but they always send me right back to my knees. And I always find Peace and comfort and Hope there. It feels as if the devil and Jesus are doing a battle for my spirit and the devil controls the stuff in the world and Jesus controls the unseen, and during the confrontations I get all jerked around and emotionally twisted up...and I even cry out and argue, "God why? I am not getting this; I am failing miserably...etc..." then after I am done venting, I humbly get my butt off the floor and look up and apologize for my ranting and He comforts me, almost like, "I know kid it's hard, but it is going to be okay and you must trust that I have your back and your front and your sides and just keep giving me your Faith, don't let go of My hand...I love you and I am bigger than any of this mess." I like what a dear friend said recently about life being a journey and that we never really arrive...Christians are headed for a heavenly destination, so long as we are walking through a fallen world we have not arrived, we just have to keep "getting up, showing up" and being the teachable children of God.

Optimism/Faith

Optimism is seeping back in...

I can almost hear the quiet fluttering of angels' wings.

Exhale and shed a tear.

Whisper, "Jesus?" God is still here!

Walk through seasons of grief and despair

Walk through walls of shame and fear

Keep inching closer to that goal

Healing rain and a peaceful soul.

 

 

On Unexpected Sorrow and Joy

 I was somewhat surprised by my own emotions yesterday, as I completed the tasks of officially changing my name with the long prayed for final divorce decree. The jubilant feeling of the day before now gone. I am guessing perhaps the slight grieving was from having to recall the joy I had once felt when visiting these same locations to change my name 17 years ago? Or perhaps recalling that the driver's license now surrendered was a photo taken just days before the birth of our daughter, what a happy expectant Mother I was as I anticipated my "happily ever after". Yes, I am guessing that was what stirred up the sense of loss. I certainly do not long in any way to not be free of my now ex-husband. And I suppose it is my own burden to bear that even as I hate what he has done and continues to do, I do not hate him.  Still I don't know why it irritated me to have my awesome pastor respond (when informed of the final decree) that he was praying "for all persons involved"...I know it is his job and I know he is sincere, and yet it felt like having salt sprinkled on a wound.
  As for unexpected joy, it has come from a friendship now emerging from the Mother of my daughter's half-brother, I did call him my stepson and I now just call him her brother. It turns out she and I have a great deal in common.  I suspect this will become a life long friendship, if from a distance. And I suspect the bond between brother and sister will continue to grow with time, especially as she grows into adulthood. Her compassion has genuinely touched me.
   And so in day three of the "officially" free to be me, I am curious to see how this one unfolds. It could go either way I suspect. I am the clay.

Check One Answered Prayer!

  I got the word today that the excruciatingly long drawn out battle for divorce is over. The judge signed the decree. Never thought I would be wanting to celebrate such an event, and yet I am quietly exhaling with the reality that it is finished. Thank you God. Thank you lawyers. Thank you judge. Amen

On Asking from God

 My daily message on FB message from "God wants you to know..." says He is waiting for me to ask. So I contemplated, if in fact that were true what would I specifically ask for now, today. I would ask that my child's faith be renewed in both God and in me. I would ask for a financial break so that I might better provide for her needs and fix our car. I would ask that this long long battle with her father be concluded peacefully. I would ask for a renewal of body, mind, and creative spirit. In essence I could use a little inspiration and invigoration towards making forward progress into a better future. 
  I know all these trials have brought me clarity. I know I have grown. I want to laugh again. I want to feel free again without restraints. And I want to be a better servant, not a slave, but a servant giving with a joyful heart. Please do help me to get past the baggage and the wounds, to look forward and not back. Amen