I was somewhat surprised by my own emotions yesterday, as I completed the tasks of officially changing my name with the long prayed for final divorce decree. The jubilant feeling of the day before now gone. I am guessing perhaps the slight grieving was from having to recall the joy I had once felt when visiting these same locations to change my name 17 years ago? Or perhaps recalling that the driver's license now surrendered was a photo taken just days before the birth of our daughter, what a happy expectant Mother I was as I anticipated my "happily ever after". Yes, I am guessing that was what stirred up the sense of loss. I certainly do not long in any way to not be free of my now ex-husband. And I suppose it is my own burden to bear that even as I hate what he has done and continues to do, I do not hate him. Still I don't know why it irritated me to have my awesome pastor respond (when informed of the final decree) that he was praying "for all persons involved"...I know it is his job and I know he is sincere, and yet it felt like having salt sprinkled on a wound.
As for unexpected joy, it has come from a friendship now emerging from the Mother of my daughter's half-brother, I did call him my stepson and I now just call him her brother. It turns out she and I have a great deal in common. I suspect this will become a life long friendship, if from a distance. And I suspect the bond between brother and sister will continue to grow with time, especially as she grows into adulthood. Her compassion has genuinely touched me.
And so in day three of the "officially" free to be me, I am curious to see how this one unfolds. It could go either way I suspect. I am the clay.
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