"Father forgive him he knows not what he does". I stated those words once in my head as my enraged husband was hovering over me with a murderous hatred spewing from his eyes and his mouth and his brutal behavior. That is the night I was for the first time squarely facing the reality that this man I had married and born a beautiful child to just might kill me. And the pathetic thing is that at the time, though extremely frightened I still had love and empathy for him. I still saw him as a victim of a loveless childhood.
Now, I have a great deal more baggage to lay down, much more damage to recover from and little empathy for his cold heart. I am more like a protective lioness towards her cub. I am less angry at the hurt he caused me, I married him too quickly after all made a huge error in judgement and so I bear responsibility and consequences for that choice. But our child did not . She was planned and wanted and then treated cruelly and still is by her own father. That is where I have a really hard time with forgiving this man. But, I will continue to pray that I will be able to do that at some point in the future.
I am guessing that our infinite God gets this difficulty. So, I will continue to endeavor to forgive to the best of my ability and hope these sneaky hate feelings wane with time. I keep telling myself something my Mother used to say " You can hate what a person has done without hating the person." Hmm, something to think about. My biggest issue is that I hate lies, and I hate being lied to. And I have seen this never ending stream of lies coming from this man over the last 17 months that just make that pile of manure get higher and higher. Get behind me Satan. Sounds corny but sometimes it really really fits the experience.
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