Valley Hiccups

  I despise getting hiccups. I always think it is my fault for having breathed too fast. And then there it is this thing that gives me a headache and seems as if it will not end and yet it does. This was a Monday that seemed to be something like that hiccup, that sense of being out of sync.
  Although I woke my daughter up earlier, we still barely made it in time for her to catch the bus. In fact we were there two minutes early but the driver was already pulling out, I flashed my lights and she ran out to get on the bus while I am thinking it is so dark I only pray he sees her. I set things quickly in order for my first class and dash out to car duty.
   Day goes fairly smoothly until lunch when I dash out to bank to see if the support checks are 'good' only to get to his bank and realize he has changed banks since last October to MY bank. Good news, the checks are good. Irritation, I can only imagine the conversations he has had with each and every employee of the branch. I also am irritated that none of this child support money will go to support his child, but will be eaten up in more legal fees for the mediation which is 99% certain to be no more solution than any of the other 'proposals' thus far. It is all about procrastination and domination and I am getting a nasty headache from the frustration of the whole mess.
   Slide back into school in time to quickly consume my Ramen noodles before preparing for the afternoon classes. I look for my watch, removed to do the potter's wheel...damn, it is missing. Spent too much time looking for it, it is gone. If it were actually MY watch and not the one my daughter had lent me, it would not be such a big deal, except that it is also in my face that one of my darling students has stolen it from my desk top. That is a personal jab, a reminder again that you can't trust others and that I was dumb to not 'hide' it and dumb not to lock my door when I ran out to the bank at lunch.
       So, I get on through the afternoon doing my best to teach and not show my upset feelings to my students. When the last group leaves I feel like I am completely drained. I begin to prepare for tomorrow and before I can catch my breath in comes a couple of cute kids with their Dad who want to hang out in my room and they do until I say okay I am going home now. This is like the third time this has happened in the last week and it is wearing thin. I am unsure how to tell them this is my time to plan and prepare and I am not up for entertaining them. I don't want them to feel unwelcome, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.
    And finally we make it to support group and it is amazing how just being there with the 'Magnolias' feels like I am free to be out of the box. It is the one place I do not have to pretend. I can vent and it's okay. I can laugh like a nut and that's okay too. My closest friend in group reflects that maybe I am feeling so "bad" because I didn't paint this past weekend, yeah maybe so.  Driving home I get that tomorrow will surely be better. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. It is just a hiccup; keep breathing.

Do It Anyway

 Last weekend I was bubbling with inspiration and enthusiasm. This weekend I have been grounded by earthly realities. I am reminded of some tid bit I once read while an art student, advising that artists not wait for inspiration, but rather always continue working. This is the first weekend I have not picked up a paintbrush in quite a while. I did laundry, cleaned out the refrigerator, paid bills, fixed the vacum cleaner, ran errands, missed my daughter, and painted an old file cabinet magenta pink. All these needed doing. 

 Today I will keep the church nursery, because it is my turn to do so. After church I will work on tying off student weavings and typing name labels for the art shows. My flower painting calls my name, but for now I must walk past my own urge to lose myself in the art studio. I have been reflecting on Wayne's poem while taking out garbage and doing chores. I think I will calligraphy the words onto parchment, even as I would prefer to paint them directly onto the wall.

 Yesterday I was working through a pervasive sense of almost depression. That little dark voice that whispers, "you really screwed up royally and you are kidding yourself if you think life will ever get better than this, you will never fully recover from this mess you allowed an idiot to make of your life and for what ? your stupid intention to love unconditionally?" Getting through such a day reminds me of lamaze breathing during the extreme pain of childbirth labor. The breathing doesn't stop the pain, but it gives you something to focus on. So, I breath and keep moving and doing what needs doing. I am not superwoman. I have to sleep. The chores need doing, so I do them.  I get mad but I let the anger pass through me...God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  I talk myself into moving forward...Courage to change the things I can. And on my knees I pray...the wisdom to know the difference.  I acknowledge my weariness from the struggle as the thought passes through my mind, a startling thought, that even if the enemy should end my life it would at least mean an end to the worrying and an assurance that my child would be better provided for. I am now Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life? Am I worth more dead than alive? About this same time I am reminded of two conversations with former students in the past week. They are like gifts of ripples in a pond. They told me of my impact on their lives, as if it were a blessing. I was just doing what I do. It mattered to them. It still does. I can't pay a bill with their appreciation, but I can find a peace in knowing that at least parts of my life have been well-lived and not wasted.

 Only God will decide when this battle ends. In the meantime, for better or worse I will keep showing up and doing the best I can each day.

 

"A rock from over here
a feather from up yonder
some water from the sea
gathering up my essence
and putting back together me."
...by Wayne Beckles

Joy & Light

 Embrace the moment
 Laugh at the cacophony
Of noise that surrounds
It can not overcome
The great mystery of the light.
    

light breaks in

Sunny Side Up!

   I took that bit of anger at injustice and put it into something productive, set it in motion and then released it. I've had lots of wise bits floated at me as I was in the post-traumatic stage of recovery. One that has been predominant in my thoughts since Wednesday is the claiming of joy and peace. Immovable peace I think comes only from completely letting go to God all outcomes beyond my control. Taking the time to pray and consider my responses. I do not like being pushed around, it leaves me off-balance. I am learning to plant my feet squarely and stand strong.
  And I stand strong not just against oppression, but I stand strong for joy. I am recalling the quiet simple words of a teacher last March,"Don't let him steal your joy".  This has been difficult at times to maintain, as there has been a steady stream of finding the joy and then another hit, another blow, another assault on any assumption that truth or fairness or remorse might show itself from the other side. The assault has been steady and relentless. And yet, with each challenge I have survived, I have grown stronger. I have grown more sure of trusting my gut response. I am no longer a stressed out, freaked out, fearful mess. I am intentionally choosing to claim my joy.
    For every assault aimed to hurt, God has shown up in the mix and in time over and over again the very manipulation aimed to harm me, has been turned into a positive to help me. I have absolutely no reason to not trust that God is working it all out for the good. The only appropriate response to such grace is gratitude.
     Every beautiful moment with my child and with my students is superior, to any petty foolishness that he throws my way. To see the beautiful colors of a winter sunrise over the rolling hills with the treeline looking like God's own intricate pen and ink masterpiece is simply a joy of priceless value and only requires appreciation. It makes me absolutely giddy with the wonder and beauty of it.
Now, add to that the bonus that I can then take this experience and turn it into a painting lesson with my young artists and voila, what a lucky person I am. The children's enthusiasm for creating and the joy of showing them how to make something beautiful is priceless. I get paid to do this and yet if I were independently wealthy I would want to do it for free, as it brings me so much fulfillment.
   When we came head on with his car this afternoon and all his dramatic acting like he was going to turn around and follow us, I didn't squirm, I calmly said," if he follows us we will just drive directly to the police station". We peeled out as soon as there was an opening in the traffic and he was stuck in the same. We made our way safely home and without his following us or knowing where we went. We laughed and felt pretty good. We also learned that he is now driving a silver Mercedes-Benz, which was a good thing to be aware of as that is quite different than a black suburban. We will know better what to keep an eye out for now.
    I can hardly believe the quantum leaps in joy I have experienced in the last two days. I have made a choice to let the worrying and fear just go to God. I am not naive, I have been trained very well to be safe and watch my back. This isn't just good for protection from him,  it serves also to feel safe as a woman walking through the world alone, with a young daughter. All of the safety precautions are sensible and empowering. We don't have to hide, we just have to be prudent and aware.
  I am free to be myself, however long it takes to have this declared on paper is not so very relevant to the claiming of that joy. I am not perfect for sure, but I like who I am daily growing into being. I like the growth itself. I sleep very well at night. I laugh in my work every day.  Young kids are so much fun to be around. Their curiosity and natural desire for knowledge makes them a delight to teach. They have a great natural sense of joy and they are so authentically themselves, good or bad they are real.
All the possessions in the world can't touch the sheer kick I get out of doing this work.
  Let the Sun shine...amen.
   

Trust and TPO's

  I decided today to allow the TPO to expire, rather than swearing out a new one and the expense and testimony (and drama) that entails, renewing it quietly is not an option. The Judge said I have certain protections that still stand in the temporary divorce agreement. I have decided to give him the opportunity to behave and demonstrate respect for that order. If he encroaches, I will address it by swearing out a new TPO. I am not comfortable with him getting his guns back, but I will try to remember that he didn't like jail and that murdering me simply would not fit into this delusional script he is acting out attempting to portray himself as the misunderstood victim. I also recall him saying many times how he liked the idea that his ex-wife would be always looking over her shoulder in fear of his retaliation. While I intend to continue using all safety precautions I have learned from the council, I do not want fear to dominate my life anymore. And there is a gut feeling I have that tells me showing less fear might also deflate his motivation to attempt to use it continually.
   So, after Wednesday we shall see how this proceeds. Thursday I expect my attorney will be filing another contempt charge, as that is the only thing that seems to get him to write his small child support check. If he decides to ramp up then I imagine that might do it. But, he is going to get a chance here to show what his mouth says. We'll see what he does with it.
  I am teaching in Lavonia through March. Our "new" hearing date isn't until April, but his lawyer requested a mediation prior to trial which the judge ordered, more dollars, more delay. Meantime, I will watch my back carefully, always keep the alarm on, and always have my cellphone close by. If he does "act out" it will only make a stronger case for the permanent restraining order I want in the final decree. I am beginning to see these sometimes strange twists are God yet working stuff out for Sarah and I. So, I will pray lots and trust lots.

Stumbling Through a Labyrinth

  It occurs to me this morning that my journey for the last thirty five years has indeed been like a labyrinth, a multicursal maze or less poetic term might be learning the hard way. The metaphor seems to fit the trip in so many many ways. While walking a labyrinth, you can only see what is dead on in your face, you can't see where it actually leads. It could lead to another dead end or be the route to the center. And getting to the center is the goal. Balance and harmony with the Big Questions, why am I here? who am I? where did I come from? where am I going? "Oh very young, what will you leave us this time? You're only dancing on this earth for a short time." Thing is, I have been aware of when I was closer to finding the tune to my own dance, then without intentionally meaning to I would make a choice in the labyrinth that took me farther and farther away from that center, yikes!!!
  Today I am feeling myself on point and finally coming back to the center, wiser for the rough journey and accepting of the answers I have learned along the way. Dawns on me as surely as this mornings' sunrise that I have been running from myself for many years now. Oh, I surely did not see it at the time. And how I get it now. Independent has been a word often used to describe me. I spent a lot of time jumping through other people's hoops and trying to meet their needs, accept them, love them, etc...with no boundaries. I learned what they wanted from me and dug deep to supply it. Problem with that philosophy is in being someone other than who you truly are, you can find your spirit becomes nearly suffocated. It isn't 'you' doing the loving at all. it is you acting out a role defined by another.
     Okay God, I think your hard-headed daughter is finally beginning to understand. One, I have been looking for love for a very long time and thinking I just wasn't good enough to receive it just as I am, just as YOU made me. Oh dear, and you and I know rather than embracing my self I have blamed you for making me so different that I can't fit in to the boxes. So, I kept trying to learn to fit in the boxes. You knew where all this would lead me all along. The ultimate choice, get out of the box and be who you are or die in the box from suffocation. You give us free will and must be sad or amused at how often we keep wriggling around in these boxes.
   So enough rambling around the point.  In this chaotic labyrinth and the quest to find true love, it leads me back to the essence of realizing it is from you and born in me. It is bigger than any earthly box. Here is my heart. However long or short my days may be on the earth, I promise you I will do my utmost to be true to the lessons you've taught me. I will do my best to honor you by not trying to be any less than you created me to be. I will dream with my eyes wide open. I will worship in joy and I will not let religion get in between you and I. I will fight against those things of darkness that would box me in such as fear, hate, guilt, labels.
      I will endeavor to see myself as you see me, my creator. I will endeavor to trust you to lead me through the rest of this labyrinth, as YOU know I have been greatly humbled by my own inability to find my way. Still I am amazed at your love and care for me along the journey. If I am a slow learner, then you are an amazingly patient teacher. I do not know what lies ahead, but in surveying what lies behind even a slow learner must remark at how many pits you've saved me from falling into. So, I will trust you. You have been here all along, knowing that makes all the difference.

A Salute to Forest Gump

      "I may not be smart, but I know what love is." In learning and cognition, one of the latest research based strategies is to show students examples of good, bad, and exemplary works. This is shown after clearly stating the learning goal or end point of the lesson. I am thinking I have lived this one out in my life when it comes to figuring out what love is and is not.  My conclusion is that love is a verb. It is something you do intentionally. Love is also a feeling to be sure, but it is definitely not an object to be possessed or a case to be "proved".
   My hallmark for if it is genuine love? I believe you want the best for those you love truly, even when it may mean it is not best for them to be with you. Whether it is your first true love or the love for your child, who now has grown independent. Love allows those you truly care for to fly on their own journey with the knowledge that you love them, for love's own sake.
   I think of a scene in "Harold and Maude" where Harold finally gives Maude a trinket with the words "I love you" imprinted in the metal. She throws it in the lake saying, "I will always know where it is" and after she has taken pills to end her life and Harold is so bereft, "but I love you Maude" and she says "great, go and love some more!" I know it was a weird movie, but I liked the sentiment she expressed, go and love some more!

Good Kind of Lonesome

   I am making the observation that it is better to be honestly lonesome, than to be lonely while living with a someone whom you are truly invisible to. Having been married for sixteen years, of which the last ten were increasingly  disconnected, traumatic, and hopeless I was so starving for the freedom to be myself that I am only now getting to a point of saying hello to that familiar sense of loneliness in solitude. I am comfortable with this, as I have been here before. The difference I now note is that I no longer have the sense that it is something I have to "fix". It is more like a reality I simply accept and on reflection I so prefer an honest loneliness to having all my time dominated, controlled, and my vitality sucked out of me so that I felt numb a lot of the time as if on automatic pilot in a survival mode.
  I feel alone for sure, but I relish the time and freedom to think and express my self. There is a very faint glimmer within that wonders how it might feel to be in a healthy relationship. This surprises me, as when I first left I was so traumatized I felt that I was cured of romantic yearnings once and for all. I clearly felt my daughter's simplistic observation was correct, "you're good Mom but you don't choose very well" no shit?
   But in untangling and piecing together the threads of my "journey" (as my awesome therapist calls our life story) some surprising insights have shed light that has indeed been healing. It hasn't been without some pain and sorrow, but getting it out somehow is like letting go of so much invisible garbage. Little pieces suppressed beneath the surface that have been a chronic infection in my spirit and now they are being excised. It is such a relief. Not just because it helps me forgive myself for my many failures, but it gives me hope that I will not travel that road again. It is finished.
   Mostly I feel an intentional joy in my solitude. I accept my path. I don't feel the need for a man to complete me and yet, perhaps it is a sign of healing? I am not closed to the idea that some day just maybe I might know what it feels like to have a healthy relationship. I am leaving that one up to God to arrange or not.

Making Ends Meet?

 Interesting question posed by my attorney today. I can squeeze a penny and I have done so. My favorite lunch is Chicken Ramen noodles, I call them "Amen" noodles. There are no frills in this household. But I didn't quite know how to tell her that God keeps showing up here and providing blessings that fill the gaps in startling ways, such as oil paints from people who just happened to clean out their craft closets, or the continued anonymous donor who keeps paying all of my daughter's drill team expenses. She came home yesterday with a new sweatshirt complete with her name on the shoulders. Then there was the car repairs that were covered by the council unexpectedly, and they were not cheap. I was ready to park it again. Friends showing up with groceries, furniture (the bed I am sleeping on), and of course the anonymous Christmas angels, the list goes on. I don't quite know how to tell my very rational lawyer friend that God just keeps showing up. I am pinching the pennies and frugal is perhaps putting it mildly, but making ends meet has certainly been aided in unexpected ways over and over. I suspect she thinks I am a 'little crazy' to risk my pension, but she respects my choice to do so. I hope the judge gets it as well.
    

The Fight is On

  I am clear in my choices and gearing up to do whatever I must to move the divorce to completion. I am also keenly aware that as he starts to get that he is in fact not gaining control or saving face, that his tactics are likely to ramp up again. This will put me on 'amber alert" again in my plans and movements. I am hopeful that the TPO be renewed on the 19th when it is set to expire.
 I am by now used to the threats made through his attorney and the ramblings and verbal assaults on my character in the community. The thing is I have lived here and worked here for 23 years. Those that know me, I do not worry about. Those that don't know me I no longer worry about either as I have had to develop a thicker skin to survive this past year.
 I am going all in and out on that limb with no more than the truth and some very concrete professionals to support the boundaries for Sarah. Her health and well-being are priority number one. The rest I will risk, for her protection. His cruelty will not be given free reign, without being challenged and judged in court. I know he may attempt some drama before court, but I am trusting God to continue to foil his efforts to harm. I have seen him do this repeatedly throughout this past year. God has come through over and over again.
     Like Miss Berta said, "woman is like a bag of tea, she doesn't really know how strong she is until she is in hot water"/ The water is getting hot again, I am not shaking and I am not cowering anymore. The healing I've had this past year has empowered me to face this from a peaceful calm center. Immanuel means "God with us. Indeed."

Forward Motion

 Yes, Margaret it is worth risking the pension. Gave her that answer today with some good supporting reasons. I am counting on her honoring my stance with vigor. I may have to do some convincing, but I may as well practice with her as it will soon be before a judge. This time we will have both therapists, due to his delay there are now funds to pay them and give them plenty of time to schedule their participation in the court. It is not about material gain or protection to me, yes it is worth risking my pension to protect my child from further mental cruelty from this man.
  Started back today at my original school, winging it. This is not the way I usually proceed. I historically have elaborate well thought out plans. This time I spent my holiday painting, no school work; I truly took a break. I hoped to simply unpack yesterday afternoon and then plan but I was a bit blindsided in that my room was a bit of a mess from multiple folks having used it, taken tables out, chairs missing, stuff that didn't belong etc. I felt weirdly defensive as if "my" space had been violated. The truth is of course that it does not belong to me (although it felt like home more than home for the last 16 years), it is just a room belonging to the school. I think I was also irrationaly hurt that perhaps folks enjoyed my room more than they missed me! AH so there is the rub. I must laugh at my self.
  Today was much better with lots of hugs from kids and staff. Yeah, the ones not taking my stuff and using my room did actually seem to miss me. Ho ho ho. I am going to make an effort to move more of my personal things out of the space though. It has taught me, it is not my home and not to get so attached. With the economy as it is, art teachers are becoming an endangered species.  So, while I am still employed as an art teacher I will focus on doing my very best with as much joy and gratitude as I can muster. The kids and the art itself make that not so very hard at all.
    

Beginning the New Year with Less Baggage

   Although my current situation legally with present husband drags on and on, I am seeing that God's perfect timing is working through me in unexpected ways. The healing of recent days, revelations have lightened inward loads and left me feeling amazingly stronger to face the future. Actually, not just stronger in the fearless sense but in trusting the lessons and designs God has allowed in my life. And the sources are from the most unexpected places, it has been a soul window opening up, letting out bad stuff and letting in healing light.
  Marriage number one, thirty five years ago, now from perspective of time has been revealed in a whole new light to me. The boy I married is now a facebook friend and from this 'safe' distance we have been able to deal with understanding what went wrong then ( and this would not be possible without his loving wife's support and if he were not happily married I might not have felt safe enough to even be his friend ) and it has been a mind blowing then healing experience.
  Almost simultaneously I learned that my second husband has been in an assisted living facility for five years due to Parkinson's disease. Another facebook mutual friend has revealed to me the whole story of his downward spiral not only physically, but the years prior and after he and I divorced. He doesn't talk now so he could never have shared what she has with me. She said his response to Parkinson's diagnosis was an attempted suicide, nearly successful as his Mother and cousin discovered him already unconcious and black from the carbon monoxide in the garage; after this he was institutionalized. I spoke with his brother who says although his mind is still in tact he will not speak and suffers from depression. He does not want friends to visit him "in the snake pit". Sadly he never got that real friends can simply 'be present' with you in hard times, you don't have to entertain them. I wrote him a letter and am contemplating a visit. He was a professor at UGA when I met him, a brilliant art historian and favorite teacher of the Art students as he was the only art historian that didn't put you to sleep in those dark lecture halls. I am thinking I may have a few spiritual nuggets to offer to him now. I don't need anything from him, but if I could offer him a spiritual comfort a little closure even perhaps the insight that as dark as his days may be ending it is only a dash. Hmmm we shall see.
   I am learning to fail forward I think and that is freeing me to be strong enough to do what battles I must in the coming year. For the greatest weapon my husband has ever used against me was to beat me up with my own failures and try to belittle my past husbands/ marriages saying it was all my fault they went wrong etc...I know all a control thing now. But what I am getting is that I was vulnerable because at so many levels I DID feel it was all me. This was not correct. Each relationship brings/ brought into it the good and bad from two individuals, not just one. I can lay those bags down now. He can say whatever he will and others can too for I will have in fact been married and divorced three times. But my God is the one that matters to me and thank God he's been here all along and is a patient teacher and loves me inspite of my many flaws. It is that voice I want to speak through me and to me in 2011.
I have to dance with the one that 'brought me'. I was nearly down for the count but he lifted me up and now I feel I am unexpectedly walking on sunshine, even AS it is still raining.