Although my current situation legally with present husband drags on and on, I am seeing that God's perfect timing is working through me in unexpected ways. The healing of recent days, revelations have lightened inward loads and left me feeling amazingly stronger to face the future. Actually, not just stronger in the fearless sense but in trusting the lessons and designs God has allowed in my life. And the sources are from the most unexpected places, it has been a soul window opening up, letting out bad stuff and letting in healing light.
Marriage number one, thirty five years ago, now from perspective of time has been revealed in a whole new light to me. The boy I married is now a facebook friend and from this 'safe' distance we have been able to deal with understanding what went wrong then ( and this would not be possible without his loving wife's support and if he were not happily married I might not have felt safe enough to even be his friend ) and it has been a mind blowing then healing experience.
Almost simultaneously I learned that my second husband has been in an assisted living facility for five years due to Parkinson's disease. Another facebook mutual friend has revealed to me the whole story of his downward spiral not only physically, but the years prior and after he and I divorced. He doesn't talk now so he could never have shared what she has with me. She said his response to Parkinson's diagnosis was an attempted suicide, nearly successful as his Mother and cousin discovered him already unconcious and black from the carbon monoxide in the garage; after this he was institutionalized. I spoke with his brother who says although his mind is still in tact he will not speak and suffers from depression. He does not want friends to visit him "in the snake pit". Sadly he never got that real friends can simply 'be present' with you in hard times, you don't have to entertain them. I wrote him a letter and am contemplating a visit. He was a professor at UGA when I met him, a brilliant art historian and favorite teacher of the Art students as he was the only art historian that didn't put you to sleep in those dark lecture halls. I am thinking I may have a few spiritual nuggets to offer to him now. I don't need anything from him, but if I could offer him a spiritual comfort a little closure even perhaps the insight that as dark as his days may be ending it is only a dash. Hmmm we shall see.
I am learning to fail forward I think and that is freeing me to be strong enough to do what battles I must in the coming year. For the greatest weapon my husband has ever used against me was to beat me up with my own failures and try to belittle my past husbands/ marriages saying it was all my fault they went wrong etc...I know all a control thing now. But what I am getting is that I was vulnerable because at so many levels I DID feel it was all me. This was not correct. Each relationship brings/ brought into it the good and bad from two individuals, not just one. I can lay those bags down now. He can say whatever he will and others can too for I will have in fact been married and divorced three times. But my God is the one that matters to me and thank God he's been here all along and is a patient teacher and loves me inspite of my many flaws. It is that voice I want to speak through me and to me in 2011.
I have to dance with the one that 'brought me'. I was nearly down for the count but he lifted me up and now I feel I am unexpectedly walking on sunshine, even AS it is still raining.
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