Be Still, My Soul X 3 Today

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Source: cyber hymnal (googled) Author Katharina A. von Schegel 1752
    We sang this at church this morning and it moved me to tears. God helped me today release a lot of hurt towards a couple of folks in my church family that really hurt my daughter (who though she once so loved being in this fold has mostly chosen to stay away now rarely going with me). I saw her Father persecute our faith and she stood firm. But I saw her heart break when one she respected belittled her and shunned her at church, another church member has always been mean to her (though never in my presence) and has been even worse to her at school. It isn't particularly personal, she actually treats most kids rather harshly. I have struggled for nearly a year with trying to forgive these people for the harm they have added with their careless behavior actually turning off my child to church (not God) fellowship at a time in our life where we really needed our church family. But today I felt that God was telling me to "forgive them for they know not what they do". He certainly must know the pain of watching ignorant and careless people slander, persecute, and crucify his son. And yet His son asked God the Father to forgive them. I felt a weight rise from my heart today which was filled with compassion for those that hurt my child and me. That voice in my heart that for months struggled to not "get in their face" like an angry Peter might have done or simply avoided seeing any of them and attended a different service, where I knew I was with brethren who loved me and my child...was let go of today.
  I am assured that God knows the truth and the truth in my heart. I do not need anymore to worry what people who are so clueless or misled by the enemy, think of me or my child. I can love them in Christ irregardless of what they feel towards me or how they may act. God loved me when I was pretty clueless. If I allow my abuser to leave this scar between my church family and myself, then it is little difference than all the other years of "allowing" his behaviors to manipulate my life. I have followed my brother's advice to not run around trying to counter all of the now ex's lies and deceptions. I have kept my silence, except when necessary for legal proceedings. Only a few trusted friends and family know the very true ugly story I lived. And it is true that in the short term, when one doesn't counter the liar people who do not have any previous experience with your character might then wonder? I have grown and remember Christ when brought before Pilot asked simply, "Who do YOU say I am?" In relationships that matter most to me, my Life must be the best answer. I have grown a thicker skin. I trust my Savior more than ever, not because I am good enough or strong enough, or brave enough for I clearly am not. But this Savior is all of that and more and He has kept His promises to me. He told me to go and he would be with Me. He did NOT say it would be easy but He did say He would Deliver my child and I from evil and He has and continues to do it over and over.
   Today I lived that formula from Dr. Cloud: Grace+Truth+TIME= Healing.  The  ones I have forgiven do not even know it.  You see they don't own that they even hurt us at all. Perhaps God will choose to reveal it to them in time, maybe one day they will even apologize (I have accepted that is unlikely however and is not a condition of my forgiving them). In their eyes they probably didn't see the change in my heart today, as I have attempted to be polite and when it hurt too much I just went to a different service.
   In fact, I had been doing that for quite some time now. I overslept and that is why I wound up at the traditional service with those I needed to forgive. This hymn just reached into my soul as it acknowledged my pain (didn't tell me to "not feel it") and then quietly reassured me all would be okay. I can be still. I then rush home all eager to look this up and request the couple who do Hymn A Week on FB would consider taping it and they had posted it just an hour earlier! Now, that was a crazy kind of God cool! Several hours later I heard the very same HYMN playing from the church down the block. Three times. Amazing blessed musical God hug OXOX <><

Sunday Morning Reflection

Praying to keep my eye on Jesus in every present moment, so that I am neither looking back in sorrow, nor forward in worry, but growing more and more at peace in each present moment in my journey with Christ as my center. Praying for a renewing Sunday. Too much back or forward disturbs my peace.

Stepping Out Alone

  I went to the play today and was so glad. The play itself was good, not the awesome one of the first season, but it was still worth while. I walked through all the emotions of remembering happy times during those 17 weeks our family participated. It was a bit of an ouch when I saw they had the old moonshine songs and dialog put back into this play. While they all did a good job, I had to say that sadly the ex really had done the role much better. I am guessing that like Charlie Sheen one sees great talent for performing may in fact be reflecting years of being "on stage" in everyday life, so maybe no wonder he could so effectively work and audience and was so happy when literally the center of those stages. He is in fact a very talented actor.
   I also have to say I fondly enjoyed remembering having seen my daughter truly shine in that first play, with four speaking roles and even a little solo. Still my favorite moment was always the last grand finale song where she and her friend Chevonne would be gleefully clapping and singing as they worked the choreography. They still sing that particular song, there were fewer cast members and there seemed to be less strength in the voices but it could be that many just weren't there today. I still found it more happy than sad. Perhaps that is what bittersweet means.
  I loved seeing the kids, students, and former students in the cast. Just seeing the joy on their face as they saw me sitting there was worth the price of the ticket. It is good to know as my daughter is growing up and off doing her own thing and I am now mostly alone, that my presence does matter to some people still. It was good to be greeted and hugged by folks in this cast who remember me from the first play (four summers ago now). I had already been making myself go and do things alone, like eating out, church, etc...but this was more difficult. There was the likelihood that the one couple in my former town who chose to befriend him would still be in the play...surprise apparently not this year for the first time. I think if my daughter had known that she just might have gone with me. Their choices really hurt her. And then there is the palsy face thing, whew going out weird face and all. But, it was okay. It really was okay, even enjoyable. I needed that.

Regarding The Control Freak

  I just received a message from my former stepson that has my red flag up. He has now accepted a friend request from his cousin and uncle which he accepted and one from his Father which he rejected. Red flag because my daughter is his friend too. They can clearly see that on his page and that he and I are friends as well. The ex (his Fathere) has only created this page in the last day or so and apparently his uncle as well. SO, I am guessing it is an attempt to start trying to work on us through him now. Not a great strategy since this is the same son that has been ignored most of his life and not even acknowledged until his Mother proved paternity through a blood test. Dad quit speaking to him seven years ago. Grandparents went out of their way to be sure they mentioned him in their will and that he was to get nothing. I am pretty sure my daughter who chooses not to see her Father or Grandmother will also be mentioned in the same fashion.
 
 We are healing. She told me a few days ago that she knew I worried that she was "damaged" but she said "the only time I am unhappy is when I am having to deal with or think about him. I do not miss him Mom."  Today she woke up after having had a dream that she was performing and he was in the audience looking 'rough" with a "skanky girl" on his lap. I was around and he asked me to come over at which point she cussed him out basically. Something like "you are not worthy of my Mother, you leave her the f---k  alone!"  Whoah! Guess where my angel learned that word? She never used it however until after we left. At first I really worried she was becoming 'like' him, but now I get that what is natural for a 13 year old and part of growing up and working through feelings is NOT normal or healthy in a 56 year old man, in that context it represents arrested development really, hence the truly personality disordered adult.
  Although my response to the son was elaborate and then edited and edited, I know that it comes down to the people who know my character will have to decide for themselves whom they believe. I am coming to terms with just leaving it be. I have held to the advice of my brother on this one, do not dignify any of his comments to you or others with a response. It is nothing new, he is still trying to "push my buttons" and I have to hold firm my boundaries and hope eventually he finds something more interesting to do with his time. So, though I have plenty I would like to say or write to him I will not. I only speak in terms of business issues.
  I have to remember one key lesson I have learned. Nothing I ever said to him ever changed him, it always only enabled him to better manipulate me by knowing what I was thinking. The word he frequently used to hurl at my child and I was that we were "worthless".  That was especially true once all my credit lines had been completely maxed out so that there truly was not one more "thing to squeeze" out from me. This man was absurdly verbally abusive to the point of often keeping that poison mouth running in my ear until 2 or 3 in the morning; when you get up at 5:15 for work that is rather grueling and I did often find myself "compliant" to just try to get some peace and quiet.
 I had peace and quiet tonight,  until that message from his son. I guess this reminds me that all this undoing of years of responding is a process that will take time.  And I am truly working on keeping my peace so that this sort of move on his part doesn't so freak me out. So far God has thwarted and turned all his efforts to manipulate to "backfire" without my ever having to raise a finger. Hoping one day in the future I can laugh at these efforts and not get so frustrated with the speeches I find myself wanting to vent at him. No use, no reason, I choose to be no longer in the fight. It is over for me. I left chaos and I like it much better where I am right this very minute.
  It occurs to me just this instant that this IS a God thing, as my heart had softened ever so slightly when I was sorting out all that baby days stuff in the extra room, and came across some pictures of what appeared to be happier days. I almost felt myself feeling like forgiving him (NOT telling him so but just really softening as to forgiving him)...and then I get more direct in my face reminders that He is still up to and at seeking my destruction, I may not be his enemy but He truly is mine. I will have to let this percolate a bit. Is it the devil messing with me so I can't forgive and let go my considerable anger? Or is it God reminding me that at least for now it is not time to let down my guard as the enemy of my very soul is still lurking about? I surely don't know the answer, so I will pray and wait and trust. God will show me. Grace+ Truth+ Time = Healing. 

Felt Serenity Washing Over Me Today

Things are meant to be used; people are meant to be loved. 
When people are used and things are loved the result is CHAOS.

God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change the things I can
and WISDOM to know the difference.

I can not change the choices of others who embrace CHAOS, but I can remain grateful for deliverance FROM living in chaos. Thank you God for showing me how to say "ENOUGH". Thank you for those you placed in my life who gave me support, love, and courage when I was fragile. Thank you for those who still do.

Reflection on Grace

  For a very long period of my life, I labored under the assumption that I was not good "enough" and coming from a very self-reliant stiff upper lip family, I proceeded to endeavor to earn love and to be "good enough". In relation to my Christian views the standards included the Ten Commandments and those over 600 laws in the Bible. Clearly no matter how hard I wanted to, I was not ever good "enough". And for a number of years, that belief actually kept me from joining a church. I finally got over that one, inspired by the birth of my daughter. I wanted her to have the good parts of what I had as a child. She was certainly "good enough".
Funny thing happened. As I was motivated to serve my child, guess who grew? Me of course. Reading books,even the Bible without Christian Fellowship (especially including small group study and bonds) is like planting a good seed in good soil and then not watering it or exposing it to the sun. I still struggled with issues I kept hidden. And I was frankly operating from some wounds I never even knew which fed my sense that I wasn't good enough.
   AH HA moment!!! I am not good enough, but the GRACE of my Savior IS sufficient. Now that IS the GOOD NEWS. For flaws and all, HE loves me. And the more I let that sink into my heart the easier it becomes to trust his will in my life. I have always been a truth seeker and now joining that with grace, I am healing from the inside out and though in the earthly I face some daunting challenges...in my soul I trust God is in charge and will work ALL things to the good. He can move mountains, and I have the shovel. Yes my darling FB peeps, this is a PRAISE. While I am at it let me thank YOU for also loving me, flaws and all. It's a LOVE thing.

Another Letter Arrives/Same Tone

  I was pleased to receive some back child support and even more when the checks were "good". But, just like the last time, He can not resist an effort to manipulate. This time the letter was much longer and he asserted that he "would not have law enforcement at his house again" and that he would not be paying any towards our daughter's therapy and that he would not be paying but 40% on the back medical (and he conveniently left off a chunk of even that. Then there was much pleading for my forcing his daughter to see him and his mother, etc...

  I am so grateful that I know what I now know of his personality disorder. If I hadn't just lived through ten years of abusive behaviors and another 18 months of his lying and greed in the divorce procedings, I might just see only what I would have "wanted" to see in his words. But through the lens of knowledge, I now clearly recognize the hallmark words of the narcissist. It is never about anyone else, it is always and forever about him.

  He asked in his letter if I were trying to "ruin him emotionally and financially". I find this so characteristic of his flipping HIS behaviors onto his victims. Seriously? I am filing for bankruptcy due to marital debts for actual assets that he has possession of and my daughter and I live an austerity life style while he wines and dines on the lake, puffed up with his take? Seriously? He is reaping more than he has ever sown. Only one thing he no longer possesses and that is US. He did not care enough then and I have no doubt the only reason he sent any checks at all is because he knows he is in contempt of court and could be arrested. There is nothing I have ever seen him do in the last ten years that didn't have more to do with himself than others.

  He talks of God and changes he's made? Really? And yet there is still denial and blame and no taking of responsibility what so ever, except as mandated by the court and then only enough he "thinks" to keep his head above water.

I will not take the bait and respond to him, except as to clarification of his financial obligations to his daughter. I in fact do still pray for him to have a 'breakthrough', but I will not inform him of even that gesture as any slight sign of compassion on my part is read as a weakness to be abused by him.

Musing on Middle Phases

 It has occurred to me this morning that both by daughter and I are in transitional spaces. Perhaps that explains so many of our occasional head bumping episodes. We are both in the process of coming to terms with who we are now, what is the same and worth keeping, and what we want to be rid of and who we wish to become. So, many internal meanderings.
  I am single again, and yet have a totally different perspective on this than prior to my 16 years of marriage. I am older, no longer mistaken for being "underage" and yet not old enough to fit into the retirement crowd either...somewhere in the middle for sure.
   My daughter too is in an 'awkward' age (she frequently uses that word to describe her feelings in various situations). She is at 13 no longer a little girl, and certainly her looks for the most part put her closer to 16. She isn't content with the kid stuff that once amused her, but she is reluctant to plunge into responsible roles that come with maturity. One minute she wants to be treated like a responsible young adult and the next she wants to be coddled like a child. Hmmmmm.
  I am not quite sure how all this middle stuff will play out, but I am quite certain the best tact to take is to reflect on the passage daily. Makes me think if an old movie title: Middle Age Crazy...so if it gets rocky at times, I am guessing it is to be expected.