I just received a message from my former stepson that has my red flag up. He has now accepted a friend request from his cousin and uncle which he accepted and one from his Father which he rejected. Red flag because my daughter is his friend too. They can clearly see that on his page and that he and I are friends as well. The ex (his Fathere) has only created this page in the last day or so and apparently his uncle as well. SO, I am guessing it is an attempt to start trying to work on us through him now. Not a great strategy since this is the same son that has been ignored most of his life and not even acknowledged until his Mother proved paternity through a blood test. Dad quit speaking to him seven years ago. Grandparents went out of their way to be sure they mentioned him in their will and that he was to get nothing. I am pretty sure my daughter who chooses not to see her Father or Grandmother will also be mentioned in the same fashion.
We are healing. She told me a few days ago that she knew I worried that she was "damaged" but she said "the only time I am unhappy is when I am having to deal with or think about him. I do not miss him Mom." Today she woke up after having had a dream that she was performing and he was in the audience looking 'rough" with a "skanky girl" on his lap. I was around and he asked me to come over at which point she cussed him out basically. Something like "you are not worthy of my Mother, you leave her the f---k alone!" Whoah! Guess where my angel learned that word? She never used it however until after we left. At first I really worried she was becoming 'like' him, but now I get that what is natural for a 13 year old and part of growing up and working through feelings is NOT normal or healthy in a 56 year old man, in that context it represents arrested development really, hence the truly personality disordered adult.
Although my response to the son was elaborate and then edited and edited, I know that it comes down to the people who know my character will have to decide for themselves whom they believe. I am coming to terms with just leaving it be. I have held to the advice of my brother on this one, do not dignify any of his comments to you or others with a response. It is nothing new, he is still trying to "push my buttons" and I have to hold firm my boundaries and hope eventually he finds something more interesting to do with his time. So, though I have plenty I would like to say or write to him I will not. I only speak in terms of business issues.
I have to remember one key lesson I have learned. Nothing I ever said to him ever changed him, it always only enabled him to better manipulate me by knowing what I was thinking. The word he frequently used to hurl at my child and I was that we were "worthless". That was especially true once all my credit lines had been completely maxed out so that there truly was not one more "thing to squeeze" out from me. This man was absurdly verbally abusive to the point of often keeping that poison mouth running in my ear until 2 or 3 in the morning; when you get up at 5:15 for work that is rather grueling and I did often find myself "compliant" to just try to get some peace and quiet.
I had peace and quiet tonight, until that message from his son. I guess this reminds me that all this undoing of years of responding is a process that will take time. And I am truly working on keeping my peace so that this sort of move on his part doesn't so freak me out. So far God has thwarted and turned all his efforts to manipulate to "backfire" without my ever having to raise a finger. Hoping one day in the future I can laugh at these efforts and not get so frustrated with the speeches I find myself wanting to vent at him. No use, no reason, I choose to be no longer in the fight. It is over for me. I left chaos and I like it much better where I am right this very minute.
It occurs to me just this instant that this IS a God thing, as my heart had softened ever so slightly when I was sorting out all that baby days stuff in the extra room, and came across some pictures of what appeared to be happier days. I almost felt myself feeling like forgiving him (NOT telling him so but just really softening as to forgiving him)...and then I get more direct in my face reminders that He is still up to and at seeking my destruction, I may not be his enemy but He truly is mine. I will have to let this percolate a bit. Is it the devil messing with me so I can't forgive and let go my considerable anger? Or is it God reminding me that at least for now it is not time to let down my guard as the enemy of my very soul is still lurking about? I surely don't know the answer, so I will pray and wait and trust. God will show me. Grace+ Truth+ Time = Healing.
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