Making Ends Meet?

 Interesting question posed by my attorney today. I can squeeze a penny and I have done so. My favorite lunch is Chicken Ramen noodles, I call them "Amen" noodles. There are no frills in this household. But I didn't quite know how to tell her that God keeps showing up here and providing blessings that fill the gaps in startling ways, such as oil paints from people who just happened to clean out their craft closets, or the continued anonymous donor who keeps paying all of my daughter's drill team expenses. She came home yesterday with a new sweatshirt complete with her name on the shoulders. Then there was the car repairs that were covered by the council unexpectedly, and they were not cheap. I was ready to park it again. Friends showing up with groceries, furniture (the bed I am sleeping on), and of course the anonymous Christmas angels, the list goes on. I don't quite know how to tell my very rational lawyer friend that God just keeps showing up. I am pinching the pennies and frugal is perhaps putting it mildly, but making ends meet has certainly been aided in unexpected ways over and over. I suspect she thinks I am a 'little crazy' to risk my pension, but she respects my choice to do so. I hope the judge gets it as well.
    

The Fight is On

  I am clear in my choices and gearing up to do whatever I must to move the divorce to completion. I am also keenly aware that as he starts to get that he is in fact not gaining control or saving face, that his tactics are likely to ramp up again. This will put me on 'amber alert" again in my plans and movements. I am hopeful that the TPO be renewed on the 19th when it is set to expire.
 I am by now used to the threats made through his attorney and the ramblings and verbal assaults on my character in the community. The thing is I have lived here and worked here for 23 years. Those that know me, I do not worry about. Those that don't know me I no longer worry about either as I have had to develop a thicker skin to survive this past year.
 I am going all in and out on that limb with no more than the truth and some very concrete professionals to support the boundaries for Sarah. Her health and well-being are priority number one. The rest I will risk, for her protection. His cruelty will not be given free reign, without being challenged and judged in court. I know he may attempt some drama before court, but I am trusting God to continue to foil his efforts to harm. I have seen him do this repeatedly throughout this past year. God has come through over and over again.
     Like Miss Berta said, "woman is like a bag of tea, she doesn't really know how strong she is until she is in hot water"/ The water is getting hot again, I am not shaking and I am not cowering anymore. The healing I've had this past year has empowered me to face this from a peaceful calm center. Immanuel means "God with us. Indeed."

Forward Motion

 Yes, Margaret it is worth risking the pension. Gave her that answer today with some good supporting reasons. I am counting on her honoring my stance with vigor. I may have to do some convincing, but I may as well practice with her as it will soon be before a judge. This time we will have both therapists, due to his delay there are now funds to pay them and give them plenty of time to schedule their participation in the court. It is not about material gain or protection to me, yes it is worth risking my pension to protect my child from further mental cruelty from this man.
  Started back today at my original school, winging it. This is not the way I usually proceed. I historically have elaborate well thought out plans. This time I spent my holiday painting, no school work; I truly took a break. I hoped to simply unpack yesterday afternoon and then plan but I was a bit blindsided in that my room was a bit of a mess from multiple folks having used it, taken tables out, chairs missing, stuff that didn't belong etc. I felt weirdly defensive as if "my" space had been violated. The truth is of course that it does not belong to me (although it felt like home more than home for the last 16 years), it is just a room belonging to the school. I think I was also irrationaly hurt that perhaps folks enjoyed my room more than they missed me! AH so there is the rub. I must laugh at my self.
  Today was much better with lots of hugs from kids and staff. Yeah, the ones not taking my stuff and using my room did actually seem to miss me. Ho ho ho. I am going to make an effort to move more of my personal things out of the space though. It has taught me, it is not my home and not to get so attached. With the economy as it is, art teachers are becoming an endangered species.  So, while I am still employed as an art teacher I will focus on doing my very best with as much joy and gratitude as I can muster. The kids and the art itself make that not so very hard at all.
    

Beginning the New Year with Less Baggage

   Although my current situation legally with present husband drags on and on, I am seeing that God's perfect timing is working through me in unexpected ways. The healing of recent days, revelations have lightened inward loads and left me feeling amazingly stronger to face the future. Actually, not just stronger in the fearless sense but in trusting the lessons and designs God has allowed in my life. And the sources are from the most unexpected places, it has been a soul window opening up, letting out bad stuff and letting in healing light.
  Marriage number one, thirty five years ago, now from perspective of time has been revealed in a whole new light to me. The boy I married is now a facebook friend and from this 'safe' distance we have been able to deal with understanding what went wrong then ( and this would not be possible without his loving wife's support and if he were not happily married I might not have felt safe enough to even be his friend ) and it has been a mind blowing then healing experience.
  Almost simultaneously I learned that my second husband has been in an assisted living facility for five years due to Parkinson's disease. Another facebook mutual friend has revealed to me the whole story of his downward spiral not only physically, but the years prior and after he and I divorced. He doesn't talk now so he could never have shared what she has with me. She said his response to Parkinson's diagnosis was an attempted suicide, nearly successful as his Mother and cousin discovered him already unconcious and black from the carbon monoxide in the garage; after this he was institutionalized. I spoke with his brother who says although his mind is still in tact he will not speak and suffers from depression. He does not want friends to visit him "in the snake pit". Sadly he never got that real friends can simply 'be present' with you in hard times, you don't have to entertain them. I wrote him a letter and am contemplating a visit. He was a professor at UGA when I met him, a brilliant art historian and favorite teacher of the Art students as he was the only art historian that didn't put you to sleep in those dark lecture halls. I am thinking I may have a few spiritual nuggets to offer to him now. I don't need anything from him, but if I could offer him a spiritual comfort a little closure even perhaps the insight that as dark as his days may be ending it is only a dash. Hmmm we shall see.
   I am learning to fail forward I think and that is freeing me to be strong enough to do what battles I must in the coming year. For the greatest weapon my husband has ever used against me was to beat me up with my own failures and try to belittle my past husbands/ marriages saying it was all my fault they went wrong etc...I know all a control thing now. But what I am getting is that I was vulnerable because at so many levels I DID feel it was all me. This was not correct. Each relationship brings/ brought into it the good and bad from two individuals, not just one. I can lay those bags down now. He can say whatever he will and others can too for I will have in fact been married and divorced three times. But my God is the one that matters to me and thank God he's been here all along and is a patient teacher and loves me inspite of my many flaws. It is that voice I want to speak through me and to me in 2011.
I have to dance with the one that 'brought me'. I was nearly down for the count but he lifted me up and now I feel I am unexpectedly walking on sunshine, even AS it is still raining.
  

The Sun Still Rises

      Although I have not ventured out, for most of this past week I am observing that as far as my internal reality goes I have traveled far indeed. If the best dreams happen, with your eyes wide open then the past several days have been all about personal startling insights. I suppose it is like mining for diamonds, this going deep into dark places you can not see ahead except for the small light on your head? I have found myself venturing farther in and seeking that diamond of truth. I want to know the whys. I keep taking these baby steps forward.
     Yesterday I allowed myself to cry. It frightened me a bit. I have walked through so much darkness and kept it all together, what brought me to tears? It wasn't the reminder that there is a twisted person out there who aims to destroy me, and would have me walking in fear for the rest of my days. It wasn't the sadness that knowing a once haughty lively man now lives with the daily prison of Parkinson's and that I haven't found a way to let him know I forgive him. Both of these came close. It wasn't seeing my beloved child struggle with the reality of Christmas wishes I could not make come true and watching her grow in grace through it all. Nope those were close to my heart, but it was finally learning a truth that I simply had been ignorant of for many many years.
    A personal journey of sharing led to an honest heartbreaking revelation. The thing is it hurt and startled me, I did not expect that. It opened a sea of emotion, but it also let the light in for healing.
It seems the love I had sought actually was there and I didn't know it. And suddenly the many mistakes I made relationally came into a wide open in my face understanding. I understood not feeling good enough, I did not understand that I always was "good enough". There was comfort in learning this, but also a great deal of pain for the love lost and what to do with that now? This ain't no Hollywood movie. There are no do- overs.
    After the tears, in the morning comes the sun again. Despite our past failures, we have rich blessings in our lives. The tenderness replaces the dark spot in the soul. To know is better than not knowing as I believe learning is what this journey is about and it is not always from the safe perspective of a book, sometimes it is best learned in this messy but beautiful thing we call relationship with one another.
Not to be sappy, but it really does all come down to love. It can't be earned, nor bought, and yet we try don't we? Perhaps it is the gift of discernment that must be our prayer as there are a lot of good and even great imitations in this world. Yet in the heart we know and keep longing for the real thing, that mystical thing that makes the sun rise for us each day of our lives. The art of loving...now that sounds like a book, oh yeah it is one.
     

Whispers from the Soul

   This has been a very interesting few days, especially the last three or four. I have been painting pretty much non-stop. I started out feeling a bit like an athlete must when they have not worked out in a while. But, last night I felt the rhythm shift into a familiar one that I knew was where it should be. A good friend from my saturated Painting studio days at UGA spoke some positive words to me. It is worth noting that a few positive words spoken into one's soul can help quiet the residual negative voices and tapes running in the heart.
  On Christmas day I was painting, looking over a little clutch folder I had labeled "painting ideas". Things I'd filed away when I had lots of ideas but no time to flesh them out. And among all these photos of flowers, places, and a few people I came across a series of pics taken in the camping interlude of 1987-88 in Hawaii and traveling back to Georgia. I came upon two that startled me with the gentle affect and tug on my heart. One was of Neal in a very silly Goofey Hat from Disneyland, complete with long ears and a second was one where I had snapped him nuzzling a little kitten. I suddenly allowed myself to feel that affection I had long since shoved into the back of my soul as simply too painful to visit. There is a comfort in knowing I can treasure the good parts of that journey from this distance.
  In the current battles of my life, it was mentioned that he might be a character witness for me. A mutual friend called his brother to check out that possibility. Sadly, we were told he is suffering from Parkinson's disease and living in an assisted living facility. Suddenly I understood why I had not heard from him in two years as his brother said that is when he became so disabled as to have to be taken care of by others. If I were still angry at him, if I were someone else then this might make me feel like Karma got him. That is not how I felt at all. I felt very sad that such a brilliant scholar, teacher, and one who so loved to travel and see the world would be ending his days in such a disabled state. I wanted to go with two of my friends and to visit him, mostly to let him know I have forgiven him and that from the perspective of many years, while I do not regret ending that marriage, the perspective of time and life have not only healed the hurts that were once so raw but allowed me to appreciate the many good aspects of our relationship.
    For even as my current husband tried to control me, hurling the insult at me that Neal's infidelity was likely due to my boring sexual nature, I had the gift of knowing that he clearly said in counseling "it is nothing she did or didn't do that caused me to do this." At that time, I felt frustrated because my trust was shattered and I wanted a "why" so that I could know it would not be repeated. From this point, I appreciate that he did take responsibility for his choices.
  I would like now to be able to let him know I have forgiven him. I am not sure what to do with that. I had the most uncanny sense that he may have passed away during the snow on Christmas day. I was painting away and suddenly slam at one of the loft windows. The "wind" had apparently blown the window open, knocking one shining ornament from my blue Christmas tree. This was just a short while after I had run across the two aforementioned photos of Neal. I got the window shut and then made a note of the time. I said a prayer and felt my spirit lighten from a mood I had earlier that I needed to contact him soon, that time was running out.
  As I write this, I have no idea if I was getting a spiritual "knock at the door" or not. If he has passed over then he is no longer suffering trapped in a body that no longer works. If from eternal soul-space the physical limits are no more and the soul is free, then perhaps just maybe on that level he may have gotten my sentiments beyond the limits and confines of the physical. Gee, I sound so mystical and I don't care. I can let go now.

Lighten Up Already!

  Seriously now, stop beating your self up over being you. It is good to take responsibility for that which you are clearly responsible for, but baby you ain't God, you can't save yourself much less anyone else. All you can do is keep moving forward, loving as best you can, thinking as clearly as possible, listening with discernment, crying when you need to, saying "no" when you need to, laughing as often as is possible, and letting your creator speak into and through your life. Stop worrying so much about who other people think you are, the ones that matter most already know your heart and love you flaws and all. The ones that don't see you truly, never will. It is more important that you live this one day in gratitude for what it is, rather than insisting on carrying around the baggage of your many mistakes. Grace means that it is done, forgiven, lesson learned, get on with it. Faith means letting go of trying to control future outcomes and listening this one day, as best you can, trusting that your creator has your back. 
    So you've come to see that you have been "stupid" and we know you don't like stupid. I seem to recall a story your Grandma told about a kid crying and throwing up every day in first grade. You came home and shared it telling her "Well I'd rather be at home too, but you can't go around stupid all your life." Ah it hasn't changed really. All prefer the comfort of home, but there are lessons to be learned that can only be learned walking through the fire kiddo. When it is your time to return home, you will have learned a few things!