This has been a very interesting few days, especially the last three or four. I have been painting pretty much non-stop. I started out feeling a bit like an athlete must when they have not worked out in a while. But, last night I felt the rhythm shift into a familiar one that I knew was where it should be. A good friend from my saturated Painting studio days at UGA spoke some positive words to me. It is worth noting that a few positive words spoken into one's soul can help quiet the residual negative voices and tapes running in the heart.
On Christmas day I was painting, looking over a little clutch folder I had labeled "painting ideas". Things I'd filed away when I had lots of ideas but no time to flesh them out. And among all these photos of flowers, places, and a few people I came across a series of pics taken in the camping interlude of 1987-88 in Hawaii and traveling back to Georgia. I came upon two that startled me with the gentle affect and tug on my heart. One was of Neal in a very silly Goofey Hat from Disneyland, complete with long ears and a second was one where I had snapped him nuzzling a little kitten. I suddenly allowed myself to feel that affection I had long since shoved into the back of my soul as simply too painful to visit. There is a comfort in knowing I can treasure the good parts of that journey from this distance.
In the current battles of my life, it was mentioned that he might be a character witness for me. A mutual friend called his brother to check out that possibility. Sadly, we were told he is suffering from Parkinson's disease and living in an assisted living facility. Suddenly I understood why I had not heard from him in two years as his brother said that is when he became so disabled as to have to be taken care of by others. If I were still angry at him, if I were someone else then this might make me feel like Karma got him. That is not how I felt at all. I felt very sad that such a brilliant scholar, teacher, and one who so loved to travel and see the world would be ending his days in such a disabled state. I wanted to go with two of my friends and to visit him, mostly to let him know I have forgiven him and that from the perspective of many years, while I do not regret ending that marriage, the perspective of time and life have not only healed the hurts that were once so raw but allowed me to appreciate the many good aspects of our relationship.
For even as my current husband tried to control me, hurling the insult at me that Neal's infidelity was likely due to my boring sexual nature, I had the gift of knowing that he clearly said in counseling "it is nothing she did or didn't do that caused me to do this." At that time, I felt frustrated because my trust was shattered and I wanted a "why" so that I could know it would not be repeated. From this point, I appreciate that he did take responsibility for his choices.
I would like now to be able to let him know I have forgiven him. I am not sure what to do with that. I had the most uncanny sense that he may have passed away during the snow on Christmas day. I was painting away and suddenly slam at one of the loft windows. The "wind" had apparently blown the window open, knocking one shining ornament from my blue Christmas tree. This was just a short while after I had run across the two aforementioned photos of Neal. I got the window shut and then made a note of the time. I said a prayer and felt my spirit lighten from a mood I had earlier that I needed to contact him soon, that time was running out.
As I write this, I have no idea if I was getting a spiritual "knock at the door" or not. If he has passed over then he is no longer suffering trapped in a body that no longer works. If from eternal soul-space the physical limits are no more and the soul is free, then perhaps just maybe on that level he may have gotten my sentiments beyond the limits and confines of the physical. Gee, I sound so mystical and I don't care. I can let go now.
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