The Sun Still Rises

      Although I have not ventured out, for most of this past week I am observing that as far as my internal reality goes I have traveled far indeed. If the best dreams happen, with your eyes wide open then the past several days have been all about personal startling insights. I suppose it is like mining for diamonds, this going deep into dark places you can not see ahead except for the small light on your head? I have found myself venturing farther in and seeking that diamond of truth. I want to know the whys. I keep taking these baby steps forward.
     Yesterday I allowed myself to cry. It frightened me a bit. I have walked through so much darkness and kept it all together, what brought me to tears? It wasn't the reminder that there is a twisted person out there who aims to destroy me, and would have me walking in fear for the rest of my days. It wasn't the sadness that knowing a once haughty lively man now lives with the daily prison of Parkinson's and that I haven't found a way to let him know I forgive him. Both of these came close. It wasn't seeing my beloved child struggle with the reality of Christmas wishes I could not make come true and watching her grow in grace through it all. Nope those were close to my heart, but it was finally learning a truth that I simply had been ignorant of for many many years.
    A personal journey of sharing led to an honest heartbreaking revelation. The thing is it hurt and startled me, I did not expect that. It opened a sea of emotion, but it also let the light in for healing.
It seems the love I had sought actually was there and I didn't know it. And suddenly the many mistakes I made relationally came into a wide open in my face understanding. I understood not feeling good enough, I did not understand that I always was "good enough". There was comfort in learning this, but also a great deal of pain for the love lost and what to do with that now? This ain't no Hollywood movie. There are no do- overs.
    After the tears, in the morning comes the sun again. Despite our past failures, we have rich blessings in our lives. The tenderness replaces the dark spot in the soul. To know is better than not knowing as I believe learning is what this journey is about and it is not always from the safe perspective of a book, sometimes it is best learned in this messy but beautiful thing we call relationship with one another.
Not to be sappy, but it really does all come down to love. It can't be earned, nor bought, and yet we try don't we? Perhaps it is the gift of discernment that must be our prayer as there are a lot of good and even great imitations in this world. Yet in the heart we know and keep longing for the real thing, that mystical thing that makes the sun rise for us each day of our lives. The art of loving...now that sounds like a book, oh yeah it is one.