We found the John Tecsh radio station with all Christmas music and started decorating the loft with the donated bits of friends' unused stuff from Christmas' past. One friend had ornaments from having had a white Christmas tree, my cousin just happened to mail us a new white Christmas tree that she had purchased and never used and voila! I brought my old classroom tree and its mini ornaments home and tonight I put together a hand-me-down 6ft tree (another new friend from church gave me more 'old' ornaments and again we have a second tree decorated and it feels like Christmas.
The "Grinch" can take a lot, but not the true spirit of Christmas. We made it to church this morning and our sanctuary is simply beautiful with the greenery and the white and gold Chrismons on the large tree. I attended my last meeting on the church council and later in the afternoon my daughter was on a float throwing out candy in a parade.
While decorating my daughter's tree I did have a few grief pangs, for special treasured ornaments she had made, and especially the ornaments that had her photos as part of the ornament. Still amongst all that 'loss' I found accidentally with my school tree ornaments a brass ornament with a picture of Sarah at three months old, her first Christmas. I am thankful for that and I am very very thankful that I got to peacefully tuck in a precious, safe, and happy child with her puppy.
Our world is different for sure and it needed to be. Some of the sentimental stuff that would make you a prisoner of your own emotions was almost removed as if an emergency surgery, in the circumstances of our unplanned departure. Still, this is so much better than where we were last year. We have one another and we have come through an awful lot this past year.
This isn't the life I had planned for my daughter, but I am thinking and beginning to honestly see that ultimately she may have a more remarkable life for having seen her Mother stand up, than she did seeing her mother be a victim of abuse. In the past I worried, was I showing her what unconditional love looked like or how to be a doormat? I was always battling in my head between feelings of being used and abused and wanting to "flee" and the voice that said to stay and be 'strong' and I did pretty good until he started turning his sick s--t towards our daughter. No brainer. I had and will have only gratitude for being blessed with my dear daughter.
Once we get the decorating done, we will make some gifts for our family members. Lucky us, we are both artists and I DID get most of my art stuff out. What a difference a year has made:) Amen.
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