The Sun Still Rises

      Although I have not ventured out, for most of this past week I am observing that as far as my internal reality goes I have traveled far indeed. If the best dreams happen, with your eyes wide open then the past several days have been all about personal startling insights. I suppose it is like mining for diamonds, this going deep into dark places you can not see ahead except for the small light on your head? I have found myself venturing farther in and seeking that diamond of truth. I want to know the whys. I keep taking these baby steps forward.
     Yesterday I allowed myself to cry. It frightened me a bit. I have walked through so much darkness and kept it all together, what brought me to tears? It wasn't the reminder that there is a twisted person out there who aims to destroy me, and would have me walking in fear for the rest of my days. It wasn't the sadness that knowing a once haughty lively man now lives with the daily prison of Parkinson's and that I haven't found a way to let him know I forgive him. Both of these came close. It wasn't seeing my beloved child struggle with the reality of Christmas wishes I could not make come true and watching her grow in grace through it all. Nope those were close to my heart, but it was finally learning a truth that I simply had been ignorant of for many many years.
    A personal journey of sharing led to an honest heartbreaking revelation. The thing is it hurt and startled me, I did not expect that. It opened a sea of emotion, but it also let the light in for healing.
It seems the love I had sought actually was there and I didn't know it. And suddenly the many mistakes I made relationally came into a wide open in my face understanding. I understood not feeling good enough, I did not understand that I always was "good enough". There was comfort in learning this, but also a great deal of pain for the love lost and what to do with that now? This ain't no Hollywood movie. There are no do- overs.
    After the tears, in the morning comes the sun again. Despite our past failures, we have rich blessings in our lives. The tenderness replaces the dark spot in the soul. To know is better than not knowing as I believe learning is what this journey is about and it is not always from the safe perspective of a book, sometimes it is best learned in this messy but beautiful thing we call relationship with one another.
Not to be sappy, but it really does all come down to love. It can't be earned, nor bought, and yet we try don't we? Perhaps it is the gift of discernment that must be our prayer as there are a lot of good and even great imitations in this world. Yet in the heart we know and keep longing for the real thing, that mystical thing that makes the sun rise for us each day of our lives. The art of loving...now that sounds like a book, oh yeah it is one.
     

Whispers from the Soul

   This has been a very interesting few days, especially the last three or four. I have been painting pretty much non-stop. I started out feeling a bit like an athlete must when they have not worked out in a while. But, last night I felt the rhythm shift into a familiar one that I knew was where it should be. A good friend from my saturated Painting studio days at UGA spoke some positive words to me. It is worth noting that a few positive words spoken into one's soul can help quiet the residual negative voices and tapes running in the heart.
  On Christmas day I was painting, looking over a little clutch folder I had labeled "painting ideas". Things I'd filed away when I had lots of ideas but no time to flesh them out. And among all these photos of flowers, places, and a few people I came across a series of pics taken in the camping interlude of 1987-88 in Hawaii and traveling back to Georgia. I came upon two that startled me with the gentle affect and tug on my heart. One was of Neal in a very silly Goofey Hat from Disneyland, complete with long ears and a second was one where I had snapped him nuzzling a little kitten. I suddenly allowed myself to feel that affection I had long since shoved into the back of my soul as simply too painful to visit. There is a comfort in knowing I can treasure the good parts of that journey from this distance.
  In the current battles of my life, it was mentioned that he might be a character witness for me. A mutual friend called his brother to check out that possibility. Sadly, we were told he is suffering from Parkinson's disease and living in an assisted living facility. Suddenly I understood why I had not heard from him in two years as his brother said that is when he became so disabled as to have to be taken care of by others. If I were still angry at him, if I were someone else then this might make me feel like Karma got him. That is not how I felt at all. I felt very sad that such a brilliant scholar, teacher, and one who so loved to travel and see the world would be ending his days in such a disabled state. I wanted to go with two of my friends and to visit him, mostly to let him know I have forgiven him and that from the perspective of many years, while I do not regret ending that marriage, the perspective of time and life have not only healed the hurts that were once so raw but allowed me to appreciate the many good aspects of our relationship.
    For even as my current husband tried to control me, hurling the insult at me that Neal's infidelity was likely due to my boring sexual nature, I had the gift of knowing that he clearly said in counseling "it is nothing she did or didn't do that caused me to do this." At that time, I felt frustrated because my trust was shattered and I wanted a "why" so that I could know it would not be repeated. From this point, I appreciate that he did take responsibility for his choices.
  I would like now to be able to let him know I have forgiven him. I am not sure what to do with that. I had the most uncanny sense that he may have passed away during the snow on Christmas day. I was painting away and suddenly slam at one of the loft windows. The "wind" had apparently blown the window open, knocking one shining ornament from my blue Christmas tree. This was just a short while after I had run across the two aforementioned photos of Neal. I got the window shut and then made a note of the time. I said a prayer and felt my spirit lighten from a mood I had earlier that I needed to contact him soon, that time was running out.
  As I write this, I have no idea if I was getting a spiritual "knock at the door" or not. If he has passed over then he is no longer suffering trapped in a body that no longer works. If from eternal soul-space the physical limits are no more and the soul is free, then perhaps just maybe on that level he may have gotten my sentiments beyond the limits and confines of the physical. Gee, I sound so mystical and I don't care. I can let go now.

Lighten Up Already!

  Seriously now, stop beating your self up over being you. It is good to take responsibility for that which you are clearly responsible for, but baby you ain't God, you can't save yourself much less anyone else. All you can do is keep moving forward, loving as best you can, thinking as clearly as possible, listening with discernment, crying when you need to, saying "no" when you need to, laughing as often as is possible, and letting your creator speak into and through your life. Stop worrying so much about who other people think you are, the ones that matter most already know your heart and love you flaws and all. The ones that don't see you truly, never will. It is more important that you live this one day in gratitude for what it is, rather than insisting on carrying around the baggage of your many mistakes. Grace means that it is done, forgiven, lesson learned, get on with it. Faith means letting go of trying to control future outcomes and listening this one day, as best you can, trusting that your creator has your back. 
    So you've come to see that you have been "stupid" and we know you don't like stupid. I seem to recall a story your Grandma told about a kid crying and throwing up every day in first grade. You came home and shared it telling her "Well I'd rather be at home too, but you can't go around stupid all your life." Ah it hasn't changed really. All prefer the comfort of home, but there are lessons to be learned that can only be learned walking through the fire kiddo. When it is your time to return home, you will have learned a few things!
  

Endings

  I have heard it said that you never know a man so truly as when you go through a divorce with him, that is when his true nature becomes most clear. You sometimes find out things that were hidden from you while in a high stakes relationship. I have experienced the truth of this for sure. In marriage number two, the fact that I discovered my then husband was is fact with another woman only days after marrying me which he must have in fact arranged so that even as he was participating in wedding vows of fidelity, he knew he was lying. He had a belief that "what they don't know won't hurt them". The one who knew the truth but chose not to tell me until after I had filed for divorce (6 years later) told me then only so that I would not be lured back into the relationship by an unrealistic promise of his for fidelity. She felt it important that I know it didn't just "go wrong" it had always been a false foundation. In the current marriage, as horrible as it has been with what was clearly in my face, I have yet again discovered the same truth. Again no one told me what they knew until I had left. This time it went beyond the common place age old infidelity and into plain perversion, criminal behaviors, and 16 years of lying and deception. Again, I was faced with seeing it didn't just "go wrong" it was always so.
      And then there was the marriage of my youth, just barely turned 20. My brother has always felt guilty that he did not counsel us before marrying us, then again as a young pastor of 23 himself I don't know that he truly had the wisdom then to have done so effectively and I suspect that I would not have listened at that time. His reflection has always been that I married my "best friend" so that he wouldn't disappear, as he was completing studies at the Junior College where we had met. My closest friend from age eleven had moved away to Florida and it is true that home was not a nurturing place for me. I didn't see that I was trying to create a safe haven for myself then, but I see it now.
    From the perspective of many years gone by, I see that I was also not so far from having made a good choice. I loved the intellect and honesty and creativity of this man. I did not however comprehend his advice that "love and sex are different", I wanted love and sex all in the same relationship. I didn't appreciate then that the pressure I put on him for the later was probably suffocating. I was suddenly not the friend who just loved to hang out, but wanted him to wear matching clothes, lose the black glasses, and be my lover. Yikes, he was only 20 himself and his family life was not so functional either. Two kids trying to make a home, it would have been a miracle for that to work I suppose. It would have been so much healthier to continue to be close friends. The pain of ending that marriage was in trying to hold on (not losing my best friend) I in fact smothered him most likely and lost my best friend anyway. Now, many years later, having lived through what I have, how very much I appreciate how I must have made him feel always pushing him to "change" rather than allowing him to be himself and feel loved just as he was. I simply at that age did not have the wisdom to do so. Rather than fighting me when I filed for divorce, he graciously let me go.
  

My Still Magnolia Sister

 My friend Mailina dropped some stuff by the loft today (she is the only person I have given a key to my place) and left a few treasures from her storage building, remnants of her previous life. To her it was 'old stuff', but to me I see potential for some transformation and function. I have a box of framed photos of family with no surface for display, that is until today. One of Mailina's gifts is a small bookshelf which will be nice for the foyer and famiy photographs.
  She and I spoke last night about how much joy we had painting an old weathered chair at the shelter while listening to Reggae Music. It turned out bright and beautiful, and a very young mother Emma even painted a few patterns on the chair. We had it displayed under an awning with flowers around and in the seat. After we 'graduated' from the shelter it was moved into the central garden that we had reclaimed. We both felt a little wistful regarding that chair that perhaps no one else will appreciate, and yet perhaps they will as many souls move through the place.
   While I lived there, I painted the kitchen and did two murals in the kitchen. Mailina repainted an old metal chandelier. It was an all white steril space, but now the walls above the white wainscoting are a
a cheerful bright yellow. Over the cook prep area I painted the words (carefully chosen by Mailina and I and approved by staff) "For our temporary home we choose to embrace an attitude of gratitude." I painted butterflies (my symbol) and dragonflies (Mailina's symbol) around the words, which were in green chancery script. Before I moved out, the women's advocate asked me to paint the word HOPE above the kitchen sink, so I did that and added a lot of detailed and realistic butterflies around it.
  On the outside Mailina and I resituated a fallen down cement birdbath and frog sculpture. She painted the frog a bright red and I painted several ceramic birds I had made from earthenware clay which we epoxyed to the bird bath. It looked bright and cheery. I also painted the old picnic table pink and then painted every flower from the garden she and I had planted on its top. I did white calligraphy style words from Ladybird Johnson,"where flowers bloom, so does hope".
   I also painted one of the two bathrooms blue and the other pink (all with mostly donated paint).
I was trying to make the place more lovely for my Sarah and it gre into for everyone who might come through the place. Several of the necomers who arrived afterwards remarked that it felt like the house hugged them when they entered and that instantly made Lina and I smile...success.
   I miss the staff, the security, and some of the quality bonding with the real freinds I made while there. I do not miss the drama that also often was part of life in the shelter. I certainly don't miss the curfews, bedtimes, and rules. But, I will remain forever grateful for the guidance and safety provided to me under the shelter's staff. It was amazing really.
  Lina and I talked about Still Magnolias as symbolizing survivors who are strong and still beautiful on the inside despite what our abusers had said of us. It also relates to our constantly having to "be still and know"
  My favorite quote from Lina's Father: "Speak the truth and speak it ever, cause it what it will. He who seeks to hide the truthm does the wrong thing still." it is nice to be free to speak the truth. It is good that the silence is broken.

More to Consider

  My attorney gave me a copy of our proposal to share with my daughter's therapist this week. I will listen to any of her advice as well. My attorney advises that I could in fact lose all of my pension, which would be 68,000. hmmm I am already walking with more nearly that much in debt for remodeling etc. on the home that I am signing away to the abuser. It is a lot to consider, but I am not too rattled over any of it. I am trying to make a rational decision from a calm viewing point. I have for too long made many many poor decisions from a place of fear, compliance, and just plain weariness of fighting. I am taking my time to decide this one.
   My attorney asked me what my best friend thought, my brother thought etc...I told her the truth, I had not discussed it with them. I am not the same fractured individual I was a year ago. I trust myself more. I do not trust him at all, but I do believe God has my back and with that thought in mind I am in a prayerful state of mind, seeking to discern what he would have us do.
  Is it going out in faith to sign their version and give the narcissist his superficial bit of saving face with the normal tone of the decree and that since he virtually has no true parental bond that he will most likely not bother with us and will simply move on to his next victim ( which being a small community I have heard he has made many unsuccessful attempts to do just that) or by yet again allowing such a pretense to go down, are we enabling continued harassment and disturbing that healthy environment for healing?
   I am glad I have time to reflect carefully. I plan to take it.

Is it Worth Risking Your Pension to Try These Issues?

    The question posed to me by my attorney, after reading my point by point notes in response to the latest proposal. My gut feeling is, yes. The truth is important and more than that point protecting and empowering my daughter is certainly worth more than the $34K damage to me financially. I was not very trusting at "gut" level anyway when they said they would settle at the last hour, the day before our scheduled court hearing. We were ready. Now, we are still ready but will have to go through the entire process of securing witnesses again. This time I will insist on both his and Sarah's therapist being called to testify. The NEGCDV has agreed to pay at least one of them for the time (100. an hour) and I will get the money for the other one.
  My lawyer said I could take however much time I need to reflect on the decision. I will take the weekend and I will discuss with my daughter's therapist, but I am 99% sure that I will risk the pension to have the opportunity to present the truth to the judge. I have always felt that as uncomfortable as testifying would be that it would also give me a therapeutic closure, for once being able to tell the absolute truth without him being able to scream, throw things, pull weapons, or simply walk out of the room. When the court date was dropped, I had the sense that it had been anticlimactic. I also had the sense that it was too good to be true and that I would not believe it until I saw his signature on the order prepared by my attorney.
   The house is in my name as is all the debt for remodeling etc. I am willing to give him the house and assume liabiity for all the debt as a consequence of my own poor decisions. And if after presenting the case to a judge he feels he must award this man half of my pension, then I will live with that as well. But, I do not believe I am able to accept passively opening the door to his mental abuses being part of our daily life for the next five years, and I am confident that with the professionals' testimony that the judge will support the order as proposed by my attorney. I am not willing to concede to any more loopholes carefully written by his attorney. I know too well now how my husband will in fact use them to try to control and disturb our peace.
    I have grown to trust my own instincts more this year and it is clear from the documents I am receiving from his side that he does not get that I am not the same compliant and fearful person he manged to manipulate for so many years. If it takes going to court for him to get it from a judge, then that is where we will be.

Voices in this Day

   I was pleased to hear from a playwright aquaintance today that is interested in hearing of an idea that planted itself during evening tea times at the shelter, with two particularly insightful and intelligent ladies that became my friends while living there.  I met the playwright three years ago while working in a community theater project based on true local narratives and stories from our area. I was very impressed with her talent at taking a bunch of narratives and then being able to turn them into a cohesive unit. She is in my view an artist that paints with words, sets, music, and actors. She is also a person who cares about changing society in a positive way through her work.
  I also heard from an artist friend from my UGA days today. She is traveling now but will be back home for Christmas and we plan to get together in the new year. She is creative, funny, intelligent and just enough 'out of the box' to be inspiring.
   I heard from my attorney today, that my husband did not sign the divorce papers and yet again I had to look over another proposal from his attorney that is unacceptable. I am willing to let go of all material things, but I am not willing to agree to not protecting our child. I will honor whatever the judge decides, after our case is presented. I feel confident that with the witnesses we have he will not prevail any further.
    Voices today, two encouraging and one aggravating, I am still in the positive balance. I will pray tonight that he is persuaded to sign soon, not only for Sarah and I but for him too. Some of our testimony will only hurt him further when he comes to trial for his criminal charge.

What a Difference a Year Makes

    On the way to support group tonight I was reflecting on how far I have come in the year since I found the support of the Council on Domestic Violence. Of course in the immediate crisis they provided a safe shelter for my child and I, but in the bigger picture they gave so much more. I was a nervous wreck; both frightened and still feeling compassion towards my abusive husband. I didn't want to have him arrested, I just wanted the madness to stop. I was one broken mess when I first became their 'client'.
  What a difference a year has made. The well-trained advocates kept me safe and helped me slowly navigate my way into reclaiming my life and my daughter's life. The night staff provided a safe place to talk and express my feelings, without burdening my daughter. We were in the shelter for eight months. I grew so much from simply living in that environment with many other women and children. Some of them I connected with right away and others were difficult to say the least to live with in such close quarters. But, even the negative experiences were good tests for practicing my newly aquired boundary skills.
  I have learned in this year that I am stronger than I thought. I have learned that it isn't my responsibility to fix broken people, but it is my responsibility to keep a safe distance from those that would hurt me or my child. I have learned to trust my own judgment again and that is HUGE. I have learned what the psychological issues actually are with my husband and that lifts the foggy vision I had of him and suddenly all the pieces fit. It is sad because I also know the odds of him getting well are slim to none, due to the nature of his issue itself.
  I no longer would turn the other direction should he violate the TPO; I will hold him accountable for his negative choices. I clearly get the fact that he is not capable of real love, but only of acting it out when it suits him.
 It has been painful to see my daughter come to terms with the fact that it isn't just about her Mom, but that it covers her as well. She had to see this for herself and she did make her own conclusions. We will be okay and possibly even better than okay. I am optimistic and stubbornly hopeful about where we will be a year from now.

Christmas Spirit Taking Root at Our Place

  We found the John Tecsh radio station with all Christmas music and started decorating the loft with the donated bits of friends' unused stuff from Christmas' past. One friend had ornaments from having had a white Christmas tree, my cousin just happened to mail us a new white Christmas tree that she had purchased and never used and voila! I brought my old classroom tree and its mini ornaments home and tonight I put together a hand-me-down 6ft tree (another new friend from church gave me more 'old' ornaments and again  we have a second tree decorated and it feels like Christmas.
  The "Grinch" can take a lot, but not the true spirit of Christmas. We made it to church this morning and our sanctuary is simply beautiful with the greenery and the white and gold Chrismons on the large tree. I attended my last meeting on the church council and later in the afternoon my daughter was on a float throwing out candy in a parade.
   While decorating my daughter's tree I did have a few grief pangs, for special treasured ornaments she had made, and especially the ornaments that had her photos as part of the ornament.  Still amongst all that 'loss' I found accidentally with my school tree ornaments a brass ornament with a picture of Sarah at three months old, her first Christmas. I am thankful for that and I am very very thankful that I got to peacefully tuck in a precious, safe, and happy child with her puppy.
   Our world is different for sure and it needed to be. Some of the sentimental stuff that would make you a prisoner of your own emotions was  almost removed as if an emergency surgery, in the circumstances of our unplanned departure. Still, this is so much better than where we were last year. We have one another and we have come through an awful lot this past year.
  This isn't the life I had planned for my daughter, but I am thinking and beginning to honestly see that ultimately she may have a more remarkable life for having seen her Mother stand up, than she did seeing her mother be a victim of abuse. In the past I worried, was I showing her what unconditional love looked like or how to be a doormat? I was always battling in my head between feelings of being used and abused and wanting to "flee" and the voice that said to stay and be 'strong' and I did pretty good until he started turning his sick s--t towards our daughter. No brainer. I had and will have only gratitude for being blessed with my dear daughter.
    Once we get the decorating done, we will make some gifts for our family members. Lucky us, we are both artists and I DID get most of my art stuff out. What a difference a year has made:) Amen.
  

Peaceful Thanksgiving Day

   My day was peaceful with cooking and painting; that is a benefit of having the studio directly beside the kitchen. It was cooler today, but still mild enough to leave the windows open so that I could use my oil paints. I am really enjoying the studio and the peace.
  I made Sarah and I a simple dinner, turkey, baked sweet potatoes, green beans, and a pumpkin pie. I enjoyed the smells wafting from the kitchen as I worked on my painting. The street was quiet today with all the businesses closed for the holiday, but the town is fully decorated for Christmas and it felt like my own private post card.
  I am very thankful today for being free to live my life. I appreciate the quiet and peace. The contrast of my life today from the past ten years, leaves me grateful for surviving. I appreciate my solitude now and the time to think and create. I enjoy the company of my dog and appreciate the moments I have with my daughter as well. I am at peace. I have taken my own power back and broken the silence.
   I have grown this year. The most empowering growth for me has been my boundary work, which applies to all areas of my life. I have come to terms with the "holes in my soul" that I had not seen. And from being in the support group, I found many others who had the very same common childhood traumas and issues that led us to being compliant. I was as my first principal had remarked,"too nice".
  

Painting in the Loft

  I painted last night until 2a.m. it was wonderful, I opened the windows in the studio and pulled out the oil paints. It had been so long since I used my oils that I forgot why I have always preferred their luminosity to acrylics. I worked on three canvases yesterday, and have worked several hours today on a third one.  I have this exhibition in my mind that I am propelled toward creating, "Breaking the Silence".
  After 16 years of being silent and polite and supportive and forgiving and sacrificial and enabling a narcissist to nearly ruin my life, I have a few things to "say" with my art. And I intend to say them, however uncomfortable or surprising they may be. I found the guest thoughts page written when I had my Solo Exhibit "Can You Play" at UGA way back in 1980 and the comments were very encouraging and intelligent. I also found the papers from the 1987 Hawaii Women's History Exhibition,which I was in on my way out of Hawaii. I found my self momentarily saddened that I had allowed myself to get so far from my calling to paint, for so long. Then I got over it and on with the moment with a renewed drive to pick my paints up once again and to say what I want through my art work.

   On the surface of my life, I have been devastated financially, but don't count me out as yet. I have been on a remarkable journey this past year and although painful, I would not trade any of it for the gift of having my peace, joy, and freedom back. The gift among the thorns has been coming to terms with the traumas in my own life, that set me up to attract such flawed characters to my life. Now that I understand, I have and will continue to do boundary work. I may not seem as "sweet" but if all you like is my unquestioning compliance, then I don't need you in my life anyway. I will no longer be any one's 'object' to be used or abused. I will be the 'subject' of my own life and I will celebrate the unique individual that God created me to be.
   Much like a close call with a life threatening illness and working through a long recovery process, once you regain your health, you appreciate the simple things so much more. I am relishing the freedom we now enjoy. We can pray whenever and however we wish, sometimes including dancing to an upbeat contemporary Christian song like "Free to be Me". We can put colorful pictures anywhere we choose. We can eat what we like, when we like. We're not expected to sit for hours in front of a television, watching things that do not interest us. There are no more apologies for being who we are or walking on eggshells trying not to 'set off' his temper. We no longer have to suppress our thoughts or feelings out of fear of his reactions. It is worth so much more than any of the material things he has stolen. I know it is strong language, but I also know that he knows, I know, his child knows, most of his family knows, and for sure the Creator knows that is what he has done. I would not want his Karma. I am endeavoring to release all thoughts of him to God. I prayed for him for so long and still do now and then, but I find that I don't even wish to spend that bit of time on this man. I think God understands.
   
   

Nearly Free

  I am quietly celebrating one year of being out of a long nightmare and all the personal growth which has taken place through the storm. The papers are not yet signed, but I think that might even take place before this day ends.I am now facing the challenge of trying to help my child navigate dealing with a narcissist father. She does not know the diagnosis. It has been a long process, she does not have to visit him but will have to accept phone calls. She has the right to hang up but that will be hard for her. The goal is to help her create mental boundaries to limit his toxic affect on her emotionally.
   It is not my desire to 'disparage' my husband, but I do want my child to comprehend his illness, at least at a level appropriate for her age. I will seek and follow the advice of professional therapists in dealing with these issues. For me, the diagnosis and educating myself as to what it was, made all the confounding pieces of what I lived through suddenly make sense. While I still feel angry at his continued actions I realize it is just the cold reality of his inability to truly care for others, for him it is truly 'all about him' and you are either of use to him or not. My daughter and I dared to expose him and while he clearly does not care for us, he deeply cares what other folks 'think' of him. It has been quite a challenge to keep my cool through out this process.  Knowing the diagnosis alleviated some of the hurt I felt as I realized it wasn't anything I caused, nor anything I could 'fix'. And in spite of the damage he has left in his wake at some distant level I feel sorry for him. He has in fact gained a great deal from me materially but, I doubt he will ever be at peace. One day Momma and her money will be gone. One day the last vestiges of his handsome good looks will fade and when character is all he has to build relationships, I believe he will sadly find his bucket empty. The empathy though is not to be expressed to him as he is only able to use it for further abuse. I have learned that there is a place for good "anger" not to hurt others, but to build needed boundaries to keep evil at a distance. No one can heal from their broken places if they don't 'own' the broken places.