Happy Fourth of July 2012
Happy to be back to my humble home and so is my dog, who has been sacked out on the couch since returning from our six day Virginia trip. She was such a busy bee at Rebecca and Bob's playing and growling at their dog Jewel, the yard dogs, hummingbirds, horse, plus the intense thunderstorm that came through that I figure she will sleep and recoup for a few days! She has hardly left "her" couch since coming home.
Our homecoming (to Royston) was dramatic with a greeting by a severe thunderstorm complete with pea sized hail! Tried to sit it out but gave up and just popped up the little umbrella to come on inside. This was a good trip.
The reunion was a very small gathering, but that was okay as the record temperatures of over hundred lent us to all hanging out in my Aunt Emma's home (the old cement block house on the hill that was the site of many childhood awesome memories which included my Granny Ginny and Grandpadad Cavin, my great grandparents. Things have changed much and modernized and yet there are remnants of the old. The old outhouse building is still standing, although leaning and decaying and sure to be fallen over in not too long. There is much more left here to remember than on my Momma's side of the family up in Big Stone Gap. Rose Hill, Virginia is still a working farming community so it hasn't changed as drastically over the years.
Big Stone Gap and the surrounding area was built up primarily around the coal mining industry and it HAS deteriorated more and more over the years. There are still some beautiful old homes there, even my Great Grandparent's home is still well kept, although there is not the slightest trace of my Grandmother's home, orchards, hedge, barn, garden,....nothing. The house was there for many years but the last owner torched it...my poor nephew, a fireman had to put out that fire. Now there is a nice brick home built on that site. The new owners leveled the place and all the hedges and trees, I mean ALL of them it is the most barren plain place now, tidy but no personality at all. And the land itself was divided up and sold off so that where the barn and garden was is something else and there is a Kentucky Fried chicken and other tacky stuff where there used to be a garden.
The saddest thing about the town to me is how they completely knocked down and destroyed the old school buildings and stone wall that surrounded the land. The hotel is gone, the downtown area of Big Stone Gap, is a sad townscape where all the former shops are pretty much closed up, my cousin said Wal-Mart pretty much sealed that deal. There is still the drugstore and soda fountain my Mother had once worked at as a girl but that is about it. We could not even figure out where the old movie theater was now? It appeared to be still there but so "remodeled" that you couldn't be sure. This was once a thriving little town, now it seems to just be limping along. But the church where my folks married is still there and still active, though not so many members as it once had.
The occasion of my trip was planned around the Cavin Reunion, but it just happened this was the weekend my Cousin Larry Lane had scheduled to hold the Estate Sale for my late AUnt Peggy's home and belongings. Oh boy did I hear in my head the Donna Hughes Song as a backdrop on my two visits up to Derby. It was an occasion to see my cousin Marianna and her husband Skip Davidson from Ohio and of course Larry and Marcia Lane, who live in Charlotte, N.C. and to purchase a few mementos of my Aunt and as it turns out of my Grandmother (bought several aprons I am pretty sure she had sewn) I could not afford any of the big stuff. The saddest thing to me was seeing her china, which she never actually ever used but began buying for herself after she'd gotten her son through college sold off, the asking price was 685. a bargain for such a full set but too much for any of us relatives...wound up making a deal on the last day and selling it to a stranger for about 300.....anyway. sad sad day to see and let go really of the last tangible bits of what this time last year was a dear lady's home and life. I am so thankful for the two visits I had with her last summer, one in the hospital and then one at her home. She sat down with Becky and I and we looked at pictures, if it weren't for that day I would not now have a pic of my late Grandfather and Grandmother, as she allowed us to borrow and copy some of those treasured pics. She is the last from my Mom's side of the children of Mary and Henry Lane or spouses. Actually Peggy was an aunt by marriage.
At the estate sale I met my cousin and his wife from the Cavin side, as we are FB buddies now. At one time the Cavin reunion had over a hundred people attend and we had to hold it down in the tobacco barn. That was back in 1992 when we began. This year there was only three of us from out of town and only Angie and I were not of the immediate family of either Aunt Trula or Aunt Emma. Aunt Emma said she'd guessed that after Uncle J.C. died that they would quit coming. We began to click off all the ones who have now passed away, my Daddy and both of his brothers, Grandma Dorothy, Grandma Audrey, Great Aunt Ethel, Cousin Curtis, Cousin Virginia, and Cousin Helen....all these folks had children that came to see them and honor them....now it has dwindled down quite a bit. But I loved spending time with my two great aunts, my cousins, and aunt Angie. It as low key but the food was as good as ever! And the new crop of little cousins kept the gathering laughing and smiling. We could be very sad at missing so many of our loved ones, but we were not instead it was a happy time to be with those who still remember the same good memories as we do. It was also a good time to really forge the connections to the younger cousins and build some memories with them too.
Okay so I think I have documented the trip. This was another trip without my daughter, she is less and less a part of my family experiences and more and more doing her own thing with more exciting friends. It hurt my feelings at first and I missed her for sure, but I didn't miss her complaining like she had done for most of the visit this time last year. She actually did not go with me to visit any of my family last year, except Becky and then she pretty much stayed in bed all day and up on the laptop all night... no, I did not miss that behavior. And in remembering it and that you can lead a horse to water etc. etc. well I have learned I can travel alone, with my little dog and we are okay. God is the co-pilot and the true lover of my soul and if nothing happens without His approval then the best I can do is to try to hear Him.
Compared to last year, I liked seeing my family but I would love to be at Daytona Beach today! I am happy that I have quit smoking! I am not happy that I have gained 40 pounds! I am happy that my face is no longer completely frozen. I am happy that my child is better emotionally than she was this time last year.
Perhaps by this time next year, I will have had my teeth restored and lost at least 20 of the extra pounds I put on? Oh I do hope so, as long as the latter is from healthy loss and not illness. Always temper what I wish or hope for these days, as if I dare not wish for anything? Yeah, might be a sign I have some more recovering to do as yet!
May God bless any of you dears who may be reading my blog.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Weird Saturday
I have been doing a lot of painting. Things in general seem to be going very well. And yet today I feel like I am only a little hair's breathe away from just having a good old fashioned cry? Is there such a thing really? I don't really know, as I come from a long line of folks who buck up and do not cry! Oh, we may cry for others but not for ourselves, we do not wish to bother others with our blues or troubles. Hey, it is what it is. Who wants to hang around with a sad sack anyway?
I am finding myself while feeling a definite sense of healing and recovering from so much garbage, I think I am okay and ready to "live" as it were and then I catch a look at me and say I dunno babe, that hour may well have passed. And so for all I may have learned and for all I truly believe I am just as vulnerable as ever perhaps, not quite as bad as a teenager who can not walk out the door without looking "perfect" to feel safe and confident. The thing is I am at that phase where there is only so much I can do to look better and I am keenly aware that I am likely to be alone from now on. There are things I do not mind about that for sure, and I need to remember all of that on days like this where my lonely self wants to curl up into a ball and go home, tired of playing down here.
It is better to be honestly alone and lonesome, than trapped in a ridiculously suffocating lonely relationship without any hope at all. So, stranger things have happened than finding "love" at my age, if the Lord decides it, then it will be. I must remember what I believe. I think I am rusty at writing too. Today I feel like nobody out there needs me or would care if I even exist. I know this is dumb and not true...just a creepy isolated lonesome thought. I am thinking it will be good to be back to work, when I am there I don;t have time for such worrisome thoughts as these. Devil is definitely messing with me today.
I am finding myself while feeling a definite sense of healing and recovering from so much garbage, I think I am okay and ready to "live" as it were and then I catch a look at me and say I dunno babe, that hour may well have passed. And so for all I may have learned and for all I truly believe I am just as vulnerable as ever perhaps, not quite as bad as a teenager who can not walk out the door without looking "perfect" to feel safe and confident. The thing is I am at that phase where there is only so much I can do to look better and I am keenly aware that I am likely to be alone from now on. There are things I do not mind about that for sure, and I need to remember all of that on days like this where my lonely self wants to curl up into a ball and go home, tired of playing down here.
It is better to be honestly alone and lonesome, than trapped in a ridiculously suffocating lonely relationship without any hope at all. So, stranger things have happened than finding "love" at my age, if the Lord decides it, then it will be. I must remember what I believe. I think I am rusty at writing too. Today I feel like nobody out there needs me or would care if I even exist. I know this is dumb and not true...just a creepy isolated lonesome thought. I am thinking it will be good to be back to work, when I am there I don;t have time for such worrisome thoughts as these. Devil is definitely messing with me today.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Reflection on Why God "allows" life to be Hard at times
God honors our choices and has shown immeasurable patience to allow humanity to choose Him. It is often in the valleys of life that we get down to getting "real" and beyond our intellectual doubts as we are humbled by our helplessness and reach out to God. And when in our darkest hours He responds and begins His work in our life, then one is deeply and forever changed. Shalom replaces the frantic race. Gray becomes technicolor. Despair transforms to hope. Fear dissipates as trust grows. Wounds begin to heal. And one learns that life is hard, but how much harder without God? Without God it is an invariable downward spiral.
As Summer Break Winds Down
Reflecting on the long summer break. I had a huge long "to do" list, much of it I accomplished. Some of it I have not and may not get "done". Those things would once have caused me stress as I would have pushed myself to do them or at least felt "guilty" for not having done so. Guess there has been a shift in my thinking, as I am learning not to be SO hard on myself.
So let's see what has been accomplished. I did get the "storage" and moving in boxes that filled the third room up gone through. All it needs now is a mattress and box springs to be a functional guest bedroom. I did get block out curtains hung in every room except the studio (where I do not want them) and I got every window in the loft sealed with duct tape. The studio was sorted out and is now tidy and functional again. These were housekeeping chores.
I did get the Bankruptcy petition filed and well underway to be wrapped up in late August which is the beginning of putting the financial "healing" on track though it will be a slow recovery, it is the first step in that recovery.
I have made great progress in improving my relationship with my daughter. I have especially grown from working through my own boundary issues, and thereby seeing some positive results in efforts to establish healthy boundaries with my child. Most significantly I have grown out of trying to overcompensate and stress over past mistakes. I have let go feeling responsible for who she chooses to be or not be. I have learned to assert my role as the boundary setter and to not be so easily manipulated when my daughter tries to run over or challenge the boundaries. I am not so quick to respond to her efforts to "push my buttons" and manipulate me. It is still difficult at times, but I have let go this freaky fear that she is acting like her Father which was making me feel sick with worry. Instead I am simply making every educated effort to respond differently than I did with him. She may have learned the behaviors from him for manipulating me, but she can "unlearn" them if they do not yield the same compliant behavior from me. This is a huge step forward.
I have painted a lot in the last few weeks. This was on my list, and as I analyzed the summer winding down I realized that i had followed my standard pattern of "do all the NOT fun stuff first, then do what you love". Problem with that is time has a way of getting gone and when only the chores are done and nothing for the soul, resentment and depression grow. So, I adjusted and moved that creative time right to the top of the list. Loft isn't as 'spotless', laundry is not all done, let the office just be as it is...but have done 3 paintings and a collage since coming back from the beach on July 7th....and enjoyed it!
Things left "undone"? Lesson plans, articles for School Arts, the office shredding, eye doctor, and dentist. The latter have as much to do with finances as time. Also haven't beat the smoking habit as yet, but have made great strides. When at the beach I only smoked two cigarettes a day and it wasn't hard. I have the Chantix scrip and got it filled, but have been intimidated by the side effects warnings...keep 'thinking' just stop on your own like you did before. I hope to mange this before October 1st. I may do better at it when I am back to the school routine and not home alone so much.
I am gearing up for a week away again, back to Virginia and seeing family and breathing in the familiar smells and sights of my mountain ancestry. Can't explain it, but it always renews my spirit.
The best accomplishments of this summer break have been those changes that are internal and of the heart and soul. The theme that has recurred is "Be Still My Soul". In finding those quiet spaces that renew and heal and grow a healthier and happier me. I am not where I want to be, but I celebrate how much closer I am to that place and the progress I have made. Inspires me to keep moving forward in anticipation, determination, and hope.
So let's see what has been accomplished. I did get the "storage" and moving in boxes that filled the third room up gone through. All it needs now is a mattress and box springs to be a functional guest bedroom. I did get block out curtains hung in every room except the studio (where I do not want them) and I got every window in the loft sealed with duct tape. The studio was sorted out and is now tidy and functional again. These were housekeeping chores.
I did get the Bankruptcy petition filed and well underway to be wrapped up in late August which is the beginning of putting the financial "healing" on track though it will be a slow recovery, it is the first step in that recovery.
I have made great progress in improving my relationship with my daughter. I have especially grown from working through my own boundary issues, and thereby seeing some positive results in efforts to establish healthy boundaries with my child. Most significantly I have grown out of trying to overcompensate and stress over past mistakes. I have let go feeling responsible for who she chooses to be or not be. I have learned to assert my role as the boundary setter and to not be so easily manipulated when my daughter tries to run over or challenge the boundaries. I am not so quick to respond to her efforts to "push my buttons" and manipulate me. It is still difficult at times, but I have let go this freaky fear that she is acting like her Father which was making me feel sick with worry. Instead I am simply making every educated effort to respond differently than I did with him. She may have learned the behaviors from him for manipulating me, but she can "unlearn" them if they do not yield the same compliant behavior from me. This is a huge step forward.
I have painted a lot in the last few weeks. This was on my list, and as I analyzed the summer winding down I realized that i had followed my standard pattern of "do all the NOT fun stuff first, then do what you love". Problem with that is time has a way of getting gone and when only the chores are done and nothing for the soul, resentment and depression grow. So, I adjusted and moved that creative time right to the top of the list. Loft isn't as 'spotless', laundry is not all done, let the office just be as it is...but have done 3 paintings and a collage since coming back from the beach on July 7th....and enjoyed it!
Things left "undone"? Lesson plans, articles for School Arts, the office shredding, eye doctor, and dentist. The latter have as much to do with finances as time. Also haven't beat the smoking habit as yet, but have made great strides. When at the beach I only smoked two cigarettes a day and it wasn't hard. I have the Chantix scrip and got it filled, but have been intimidated by the side effects warnings...keep 'thinking' just stop on your own like you did before. I hope to mange this before October 1st. I may do better at it when I am back to the school routine and not home alone so much.
I am gearing up for a week away again, back to Virginia and seeing family and breathing in the familiar smells and sights of my mountain ancestry. Can't explain it, but it always renews my spirit.
The best accomplishments of this summer break have been those changes that are internal and of the heart and soul. The theme that has recurred is "Be Still My Soul". In finding those quiet spaces that renew and heal and grow a healthier and happier me. I am not where I want to be, but I celebrate how much closer I am to that place and the progress I have made. Inspires me to keep moving forward in anticipation, determination, and hope.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
PROVERBS 12:25 "A kind word cheers him up."
"You are an educated, experienced, perceptive woman who has lived for a while in a situation that did not allow you to be all that you can be. As you decide what and how you are going to live, all sorts of changes are likely. Trust yourself."I ran across this note to me from January 2010...a time when I did not trust myself very much at all. I am celebrating how far I have come since then and I must say there is indeed Life after chaos. My morning prayers are different now, not "Lord help me survive another day" but "Thank you Lord for another day. Please let me not get in the way of your will in my life." I am so grateful for those who lifted me up and still DO. Never underestimate the value of positive words spoken into the lives of others, for they can be that little candle of hope in the dark valleys of life.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Reflections on Contrasts in Life
Our trip to the Daytona Beach proved to be mostly wonderful. It was awesome to be with family, especially my Stepmom and the long walks in the morning and conversations. The location and beauty of the condo itself was a huge contrast to the austerity we have lived in for the past several years now. At times I felt 'out of place' amidst such luxury. The contrast between sitting on leather sofas with a view of the ocean and pool verses, sitting on a lumpy thrift store loveseat in our sparsely furnished loft apartment was huge. Eating out every night at excellent restaurants, with hosts who insisted on paying the tab every single time, was appreciated and awkward at the same time. Obviously with my financial challenges, I truly did appreciate the generosity even as it made me a tad uncomfortable. It was a refreshing blessing and a balm for the tattered nerves. I also gained in confidence having made this long trip; both in my newly repaired auto and my self. And I enjoyed the company of both the family and my daughter.
Before we even got home my daughter had arranged to go to her friend's house. She has only spent one night at home since we got back a week ago today. So, I have gone from lots of company to complete solitude, a schedule organized by hosts to a schedule completely dictated only by me! I am calmly aware that I prefer neither extreme and must laugh at that one! I miss the company of my daughter, but not the demands and loudness (she has tended to be up late talking on Skype on the phone). I often feel like she only talks to me when she wants something from me like food or a ride.
She used to speak with me about her many dreams, but she doesn't seem able to dream much anymore. I am pretty sure this directly relates to her having seen so many dreams and hopes dashed in the last year or so. It should not surprise me that she is so restlessly trying to fill every moment with chatter and companionship of her friends. She says they love her because she makes them laugh. Right now she obviously needs that laughter and sense of belonging. I do hope and pray that as time passes she will be able to dream again and be at peace in her solitude.
When her Daddy burst her "bubble" I believe a lot of her very inner joy escaped. I sense that she is in some ways frantically trying to recover that joy. I know I can not DO it for her. Oh how I wish I could, as of all the material losses they mean nothing in comparison to the harm her Father has caused my child in her very heart.
Now today I will do what I can do with this solitude. I will listen to music and paint. I have not the clear drive of direction I did in the winter, but more of a playful experimental meandering. After so many seasons of stress and complexity, I am thinking I do need to learn "to play" again. Ah ha maybe my daughter and I are both doing that now.
Before we even got home my daughter had arranged to go to her friend's house. She has only spent one night at home since we got back a week ago today. So, I have gone from lots of company to complete solitude, a schedule organized by hosts to a schedule completely dictated only by me! I am calmly aware that I prefer neither extreme and must laugh at that one! I miss the company of my daughter, but not the demands and loudness (she has tended to be up late talking on Skype on the phone). I often feel like she only talks to me when she wants something from me like food or a ride.
She used to speak with me about her many dreams, but she doesn't seem able to dream much anymore. I am pretty sure this directly relates to her having seen so many dreams and hopes dashed in the last year or so. It should not surprise me that she is so restlessly trying to fill every moment with chatter and companionship of her friends. She says they love her because she makes them laugh. Right now she obviously needs that laughter and sense of belonging. I do hope and pray that as time passes she will be able to dream again and be at peace in her solitude.
When her Daddy burst her "bubble" I believe a lot of her very inner joy escaped. I sense that she is in some ways frantically trying to recover that joy. I know I can not DO it for her. Oh how I wish I could, as of all the material losses they mean nothing in comparison to the harm her Father has caused my child in her very heart.
Now today I will do what I can do with this solitude. I will listen to music and paint. I have not the clear drive of direction I did in the winter, but more of a playful experimental meandering. After so many seasons of stress and complexity, I am thinking I do need to learn "to play" again. Ah ha maybe my daughter and I are both doing that now.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Be Still, My Soul X 3 Today
Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.
Source: cyber hymnal (googled) Author Katharina A. von Schegel 1752
We sang this at church this morning and it moved me to tears. God helped me today release a lot of hurt towards a couple of folks in my church family that really hurt my daughter (who though she once so loved being in this fold has mostly chosen to stay away now rarely going with me). I saw her Father persecute our faith and she stood firm. But I saw her heart break when one she respected belittled her and shunned her at church, another church member has always been mean to her (though never in my presence) and has been even worse to her at school. It isn't particularly personal, she actually treats most kids rather harshly. I have struggled for nearly a year with trying to forgive these people for the harm they have added with their careless behavior actually turning off my child to church (not God) fellowship at a time in our life where we really needed our church family. But today I felt that God was telling me to "forgive them for they know not what they do". He certainly must know the pain of watching ignorant and careless people slander, persecute, and crucify his son. And yet His son asked God the Father to forgive them. I felt a weight rise from my heart today which was filled with compassion for those that hurt my child and me. That voice in my heart that for months struggled to not "get in their face" like an angry Peter might have done or simply avoided seeing any of them and attended a different service, where I knew I was with brethren who loved me and my child...was let go of today.
I am assured that God knows the truth and the truth in my heart. I do not need anymore to worry what people who are so clueless or misled by the enemy, think of me or my child. I can love them in Christ irregardless of what they feel towards me or how they may act. God loved me when I was pretty clueless. If I allow my abuser to leave this scar between my church family and myself, then it is little difference than all the other years of "allowing" his behaviors to manipulate my life. I have followed my brother's advice to not run around trying to counter all of the now ex's lies and deceptions. I have kept my silence, except when necessary for legal proceedings. Only a few trusted friends and family know the very true ugly story I lived. And it is true that in the short term, when one doesn't counter the liar people who do not have any previous experience with your character might then wonder? I have grown and remember Christ when brought before Pilot asked simply, "Who do YOU say I am?" In relationships that matter most to me, my Life must be the best answer. I have grown a thicker skin. I trust my Savior more than ever, not because I am good enough or strong enough, or brave enough for I clearly am not. But this Savior is all of that and more and He has kept His promises to me. He told me to go and he would be with Me. He did NOT say it would be easy but He did say He would Deliver my child and I from evil and He has and continues to do it over and over.
Today I lived that formula from Dr. Cloud: Grace+Truth+TIME= Healing. The ones I have forgiven do not even know it. You see they don't own that they even hurt us at all. Perhaps God will choose to reveal it to them in time, maybe one day they will even apologize (I have accepted that is unlikely however and is not a condition of my forgiving them). In their eyes they probably didn't see the change in my heart today, as I have attempted to be polite and when it hurt too much I just went to a different service.
In fact, I had been doing that for quite some time now. I overslept and that is why I wound up at the traditional service with those I needed to forgive. This hymn just reached into my soul as it acknowledged my pain (didn't tell me to "not feel it") and then quietly reassured me all would be okay. I can be still. I then rush home all eager to look this up and request the couple who do Hymn A Week on FB would consider taping it and they had posted it just an hour earlier! Now, that was a crazy kind of God cool! Several hours later I heard the very same HYMN playing from the church down the block. Three times. Amazing blessed musical God hug OXOX <><
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.
Source: cyber hymnal (googled) Author Katharina A. von Schegel 1752
We sang this at church this morning and it moved me to tears. God helped me today release a lot of hurt towards a couple of folks in my church family that really hurt my daughter (who though she once so loved being in this fold has mostly chosen to stay away now rarely going with me). I saw her Father persecute our faith and she stood firm. But I saw her heart break when one she respected belittled her and shunned her at church, another church member has always been mean to her (though never in my presence) and has been even worse to her at school. It isn't particularly personal, she actually treats most kids rather harshly. I have struggled for nearly a year with trying to forgive these people for the harm they have added with their careless behavior actually turning off my child to church (not God) fellowship at a time in our life where we really needed our church family. But today I felt that God was telling me to "forgive them for they know not what they do". He certainly must know the pain of watching ignorant and careless people slander, persecute, and crucify his son. And yet His son asked God the Father to forgive them. I felt a weight rise from my heart today which was filled with compassion for those that hurt my child and me. That voice in my heart that for months struggled to not "get in their face" like an angry Peter might have done or simply avoided seeing any of them and attended a different service, where I knew I was with brethren who loved me and my child...was let go of today.
I am assured that God knows the truth and the truth in my heart. I do not need anymore to worry what people who are so clueless or misled by the enemy, think of me or my child. I can love them in Christ irregardless of what they feel towards me or how they may act. God loved me when I was pretty clueless. If I allow my abuser to leave this scar between my church family and myself, then it is little difference than all the other years of "allowing" his behaviors to manipulate my life. I have followed my brother's advice to not run around trying to counter all of the now ex's lies and deceptions. I have kept my silence, except when necessary for legal proceedings. Only a few trusted friends and family know the very true ugly story I lived. And it is true that in the short term, when one doesn't counter the liar people who do not have any previous experience with your character might then wonder? I have grown and remember Christ when brought before Pilot asked simply, "Who do YOU say I am?" In relationships that matter most to me, my Life must be the best answer. I have grown a thicker skin. I trust my Savior more than ever, not because I am good enough or strong enough, or brave enough for I clearly am not. But this Savior is all of that and more and He has kept His promises to me. He told me to go and he would be with Me. He did NOT say it would be easy but He did say He would Deliver my child and I from evil and He has and continues to do it over and over.
Today I lived that formula from Dr. Cloud: Grace+Truth+TIME= Healing. The ones I have forgiven do not even know it. You see they don't own that they even hurt us at all. Perhaps God will choose to reveal it to them in time, maybe one day they will even apologize (I have accepted that is unlikely however and is not a condition of my forgiving them). In their eyes they probably didn't see the change in my heart today, as I have attempted to be polite and when it hurt too much I just went to a different service.
In fact, I had been doing that for quite some time now. I overslept and that is why I wound up at the traditional service with those I needed to forgive. This hymn just reached into my soul as it acknowledged my pain (didn't tell me to "not feel it") and then quietly reassured me all would be okay. I can be still. I then rush home all eager to look this up and request the couple who do Hymn A Week on FB would consider taping it and they had posted it just an hour earlier! Now, that was a crazy kind of God cool! Several hours later I heard the very same HYMN playing from the church down the block. Three times. Amazing blessed musical God hug OXOX <><
Sunday Morning Reflection
Praying to keep my eye on Jesus in every present moment, so that I am neither looking back in sorrow, nor forward in worry, but growing more and more at peace in each present moment in my journey with Christ as my center. Praying for a renewing Sunday. Too much back or forward disturbs my peace.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Stepping Out Alone
I went to the play today and was so glad. The play itself was good, not the awesome one of the first season, but it was still worth while. I walked through all the emotions of remembering happy times during those 17 weeks our family participated. It was a bit of an ouch when I saw they had the old moonshine songs and dialog put back into this play. While they all did a good job, I had to say that sadly the ex really had done the role much better. I am guessing that like Charlie Sheen one sees great talent for performing may in fact be reflecting years of being "on stage" in everyday life, so maybe no wonder he could so effectively work and audience and was so happy when literally the center of those stages. He is in fact a very talented actor.
I also have to say I fondly enjoyed remembering having seen my daughter truly shine in that first play, with four speaking roles and even a little solo. Still my favorite moment was always the last grand finale song where she and her friend Chevonne would be gleefully clapping and singing as they worked the choreography. They still sing that particular song, there were fewer cast members and there seemed to be less strength in the voices but it could be that many just weren't there today. I still found it more happy than sad. Perhaps that is what bittersweet means.
I loved seeing the kids, students, and former students in the cast. Just seeing the joy on their face as they saw me sitting there was worth the price of the ticket. It is good to know as my daughter is growing up and off doing her own thing and I am now mostly alone, that my presence does matter to some people still. It was good to be greeted and hugged by folks in this cast who remember me from the first play (four summers ago now). I had already been making myself go and do things alone, like eating out, church, etc...but this was more difficult. There was the likelihood that the one couple in my former town who chose to befriend him would still be in the play...surprise apparently not this year for the first time. I think if my daughter had known that she just might have gone with me. Their choices really hurt her. And then there is the palsy face thing, whew going out weird face and all. But, it was okay. It really was okay, even enjoyable. I needed that.
I also have to say I fondly enjoyed remembering having seen my daughter truly shine in that first play, with four speaking roles and even a little solo. Still my favorite moment was always the last grand finale song where she and her friend Chevonne would be gleefully clapping and singing as they worked the choreography. They still sing that particular song, there were fewer cast members and there seemed to be less strength in the voices but it could be that many just weren't there today. I still found it more happy than sad. Perhaps that is what bittersweet means.
I loved seeing the kids, students, and former students in the cast. Just seeing the joy on their face as they saw me sitting there was worth the price of the ticket. It is good to know as my daughter is growing up and off doing her own thing and I am now mostly alone, that my presence does matter to some people still. It was good to be greeted and hugged by folks in this cast who remember me from the first play (four summers ago now). I had already been making myself go and do things alone, like eating out, church, etc...but this was more difficult. There was the likelihood that the one couple in my former town who chose to befriend him would still be in the play...surprise apparently not this year for the first time. I think if my daughter had known that she just might have gone with me. Their choices really hurt her. And then there is the palsy face thing, whew going out weird face and all. But, it was okay. It really was okay, even enjoyable. I needed that.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Regarding The Control Freak
I just received a message from my former stepson that has my red flag up. He has now accepted a friend request from his cousin and uncle which he accepted and one from his Father which he rejected. Red flag because my daughter is his friend too. They can clearly see that on his page and that he and I are friends as well. The ex (his Fathere) has only created this page in the last day or so and apparently his uncle as well. SO, I am guessing it is an attempt to start trying to work on us through him now. Not a great strategy since this is the same son that has been ignored most of his life and not even acknowledged until his Mother proved paternity through a blood test. Dad quit speaking to him seven years ago. Grandparents went out of their way to be sure they mentioned him in their will and that he was to get nothing. I am pretty sure my daughter who chooses not to see her Father or Grandmother will also be mentioned in the same fashion.
We are healing. She told me a few days ago that she knew I worried that she was "damaged" but she said "the only time I am unhappy is when I am having to deal with or think about him. I do not miss him Mom." Today she woke up after having had a dream that she was performing and he was in the audience looking 'rough" with a "skanky girl" on his lap. I was around and he asked me to come over at which point she cussed him out basically. Something like "you are not worthy of my Mother, you leave her the f---k alone!" Whoah! Guess where my angel learned that word? She never used it however until after we left. At first I really worried she was becoming 'like' him, but now I get that what is natural for a 13 year old and part of growing up and working through feelings is NOT normal or healthy in a 56 year old man, in that context it represents arrested development really, hence the truly personality disordered adult.
Although my response to the son was elaborate and then edited and edited, I know that it comes down to the people who know my character will have to decide for themselves whom they believe. I am coming to terms with just leaving it be. I have held to the advice of my brother on this one, do not dignify any of his comments to you or others with a response. It is nothing new, he is still trying to "push my buttons" and I have to hold firm my boundaries and hope eventually he finds something more interesting to do with his time. So, though I have plenty I would like to say or write to him I will not. I only speak in terms of business issues.
I have to remember one key lesson I have learned. Nothing I ever said to him ever changed him, it always only enabled him to better manipulate me by knowing what I was thinking. The word he frequently used to hurl at my child and I was that we were "worthless". That was especially true once all my credit lines had been completely maxed out so that there truly was not one more "thing to squeeze" out from me. This man was absurdly verbally abusive to the point of often keeping that poison mouth running in my ear until 2 or 3 in the morning; when you get up at 5:15 for work that is rather grueling and I did often find myself "compliant" to just try to get some peace and quiet.
I had peace and quiet tonight, until that message from his son. I guess this reminds me that all this undoing of years of responding is a process that will take time. And I am truly working on keeping my peace so that this sort of move on his part doesn't so freak me out. So far God has thwarted and turned all his efforts to manipulate to "backfire" without my ever having to raise a finger. Hoping one day in the future I can laugh at these efforts and not get so frustrated with the speeches I find myself wanting to vent at him. No use, no reason, I choose to be no longer in the fight. It is over for me. I left chaos and I like it much better where I am right this very minute.
It occurs to me just this instant that this IS a God thing, as my heart had softened ever so slightly when I was sorting out all that baby days stuff in the extra room, and came across some pictures of what appeared to be happier days. I almost felt myself feeling like forgiving him (NOT telling him so but just really softening as to forgiving him)...and then I get more direct in my face reminders that He is still up to and at seeking my destruction, I may not be his enemy but He truly is mine. I will have to let this percolate a bit. Is it the devil messing with me so I can't forgive and let go my considerable anger? Or is it God reminding me that at least for now it is not time to let down my guard as the enemy of my very soul is still lurking about? I surely don't know the answer, so I will pray and wait and trust. God will show me. Grace+ Truth+ Time = Healing.
We are healing. She told me a few days ago that she knew I worried that she was "damaged" but she said "the only time I am unhappy is when I am having to deal with or think about him. I do not miss him Mom." Today she woke up after having had a dream that she was performing and he was in the audience looking 'rough" with a "skanky girl" on his lap. I was around and he asked me to come over at which point she cussed him out basically. Something like "you are not worthy of my Mother, you leave her the f---k alone!" Whoah! Guess where my angel learned that word? She never used it however until after we left. At first I really worried she was becoming 'like' him, but now I get that what is natural for a 13 year old and part of growing up and working through feelings is NOT normal or healthy in a 56 year old man, in that context it represents arrested development really, hence the truly personality disordered adult.
Although my response to the son was elaborate and then edited and edited, I know that it comes down to the people who know my character will have to decide for themselves whom they believe. I am coming to terms with just leaving it be. I have held to the advice of my brother on this one, do not dignify any of his comments to you or others with a response. It is nothing new, he is still trying to "push my buttons" and I have to hold firm my boundaries and hope eventually he finds something more interesting to do with his time. So, though I have plenty I would like to say or write to him I will not. I only speak in terms of business issues.
I have to remember one key lesson I have learned. Nothing I ever said to him ever changed him, it always only enabled him to better manipulate me by knowing what I was thinking. The word he frequently used to hurl at my child and I was that we were "worthless". That was especially true once all my credit lines had been completely maxed out so that there truly was not one more "thing to squeeze" out from me. This man was absurdly verbally abusive to the point of often keeping that poison mouth running in my ear until 2 or 3 in the morning; when you get up at 5:15 for work that is rather grueling and I did often find myself "compliant" to just try to get some peace and quiet.
I had peace and quiet tonight, until that message from his son. I guess this reminds me that all this undoing of years of responding is a process that will take time. And I am truly working on keeping my peace so that this sort of move on his part doesn't so freak me out. So far God has thwarted and turned all his efforts to manipulate to "backfire" without my ever having to raise a finger. Hoping one day in the future I can laugh at these efforts and not get so frustrated with the speeches I find myself wanting to vent at him. No use, no reason, I choose to be no longer in the fight. It is over for me. I left chaos and I like it much better where I am right this very minute.
It occurs to me just this instant that this IS a God thing, as my heart had softened ever so slightly when I was sorting out all that baby days stuff in the extra room, and came across some pictures of what appeared to be happier days. I almost felt myself feeling like forgiving him (NOT telling him so but just really softening as to forgiving him)...and then I get more direct in my face reminders that He is still up to and at seeking my destruction, I may not be his enemy but He truly is mine. I will have to let this percolate a bit. Is it the devil messing with me so I can't forgive and let go my considerable anger? Or is it God reminding me that at least for now it is not time to let down my guard as the enemy of my very soul is still lurking about? I surely don't know the answer, so I will pray and wait and trust. God will show me. Grace+ Truth+ Time = Healing.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Felt Serenity Washing Over Me Today
Things are meant to be used; people are meant to be loved.
When people are used and things are loved the result is CHAOS.
God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change the things I can
and WISDOM to know the difference.
I can not change the choices of others who embrace CHAOS, but I can remain grateful for deliverance FROM living in chaos. Thank you God for showing me how to say "ENOUGH". Thank you for those you placed in my life who gave me support, love, and courage when I was fragile. Thank you for those who still do.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Reflection on Grace
For a very long period of my life, I labored under the assumption that I was not good "enough" and coming from a very self-reliant stiff upper lip family, I proceeded to endeavor to earn love and to be "good enough". In relation to my Christian views the standards included the Ten Commandments and those over 600 laws in the Bible. Clearly no matter how hard I wanted to, I was not ever good "enough". And for a number of years, that belief actually kept me from joining a church. I finally got over that one, inspired by the birth of my daughter. I wanted her to have the good parts of what I had as a child. She was certainly "good enough".
Funny thing happened. As I was motivated to serve my child, guess who grew? Me of course. Reading books,even the Bible without Christian Fellowship (especially including small group study and bonds) is like planting a good seed in good soil and then not watering it or exposing it to the sun. I still struggled with issues I kept hidden. And I was frankly operating from some wounds I never even knew which fed my sense that I wasn't good enough.
AH HA moment!!! I am not good enough, but the GRACE of my Savior IS sufficient. Now that IS the GOOD NEWS. For flaws and all, HE loves me. And the more I let that sink into my heart the easier it becomes to trust his will in my life. I have always been a truth seeker and now joining that with grace, I am healing from the inside out and though in the earthly I face some daunting challenges...in my soul I trust God is in charge and will work ALL things to the good. He can move mountains, and I have the shovel. Yes my darling FB peeps, this is a PRAISE. While I am at it let me thank YOU for also loving me, flaws and all. It's a LOVE thing.
Funny thing happened. As I was motivated to serve my child, guess who grew? Me of course. Reading books,even the Bible without Christian Fellowship (especially including small group study and bonds) is like planting a good seed in good soil and then not watering it or exposing it to the sun. I still struggled with issues I kept hidden. And I was frankly operating from some wounds I never even knew which fed my sense that I wasn't good enough.
AH HA moment!!! I am not good enough, but the GRACE of my Savior IS sufficient. Now that IS the GOOD NEWS. For flaws and all, HE loves me. And the more I let that sink into my heart the easier it becomes to trust his will in my life. I have always been a truth seeker and now joining that with grace, I am healing from the inside out and though in the earthly I face some daunting challenges...in my soul I trust God is in charge and will work ALL things to the good. He can move mountains, and I have the shovel. Yes my darling FB peeps, this is a PRAISE. While I am at it let me thank YOU for also loving me, flaws and all. It's a LOVE thing.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Another Letter Arrives/Same Tone
I was pleased to receive some back child support and even more when the checks were "good". But, just like the last time, He can not resist an effort to manipulate. This time the letter was much longer and he asserted that he "would not have law enforcement at his house again" and that he would not be paying any towards our daughter's therapy and that he would not be paying but 40% on the back medical (and he conveniently left off a chunk of even that. Then there was much pleading for my forcing his daughter to see him and his mother, etc...
I am so grateful that I know what I now know of his personality disorder. If I hadn't just lived through ten years of abusive behaviors and another 18 months of his lying and greed in the divorce procedings, I might just see only what I would have "wanted" to see in his words. But through the lens of knowledge, I now clearly recognize the hallmark words of the narcissist. It is never about anyone else, it is always and forever about him.
He asked in his letter if I were trying to "ruin him emotionally and financially". I find this so characteristic of his flipping HIS behaviors onto his victims. Seriously? I am filing for bankruptcy due to marital debts for actual assets that he has possession of and my daughter and I live an austerity life style while he wines and dines on the lake, puffed up with his take? Seriously? He is reaping more than he has ever sown. Only one thing he no longer possesses and that is US. He did not care enough then and I have no doubt the only reason he sent any checks at all is because he knows he is in contempt of court and could be arrested. There is nothing I have ever seen him do in the last ten years that didn't have more to do with himself than others.
He talks of God and changes he's made? Really? And yet there is still denial and blame and no taking of responsibility what so ever, except as mandated by the court and then only enough he "thinks" to keep his head above water.
I will not take the bait and respond to him, except as to clarification of his financial obligations to his daughter. I in fact do still pray for him to have a 'breakthrough', but I will not inform him of even that gesture as any slight sign of compassion on my part is read as a weakness to be abused by him.
I am so grateful that I know what I now know of his personality disorder. If I hadn't just lived through ten years of abusive behaviors and another 18 months of his lying and greed in the divorce procedings, I might just see only what I would have "wanted" to see in his words. But through the lens of knowledge, I now clearly recognize the hallmark words of the narcissist. It is never about anyone else, it is always and forever about him.
He asked in his letter if I were trying to "ruin him emotionally and financially". I find this so characteristic of his flipping HIS behaviors onto his victims. Seriously? I am filing for bankruptcy due to marital debts for actual assets that he has possession of and my daughter and I live an austerity life style while he wines and dines on the lake, puffed up with his take? Seriously? He is reaping more than he has ever sown. Only one thing he no longer possesses and that is US. He did not care enough then and I have no doubt the only reason he sent any checks at all is because he knows he is in contempt of court and could be arrested. There is nothing I have ever seen him do in the last ten years that didn't have more to do with himself than others.
He talks of God and changes he's made? Really? And yet there is still denial and blame and no taking of responsibility what so ever, except as mandated by the court and then only enough he "thinks" to keep his head above water.
I will not take the bait and respond to him, except as to clarification of his financial obligations to his daughter. I in fact do still pray for him to have a 'breakthrough', but I will not inform him of even that gesture as any slight sign of compassion on my part is read as a weakness to be abused by him.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Musing on Middle Phases
It has occurred to me this morning that both by daughter and I are in transitional spaces. Perhaps that explains so many of our occasional head bumping episodes. We are both in the process of coming to terms with who we are now, what is the same and worth keeping, and what we want to be rid of and who we wish to become. So, many internal meanderings.
I am single again, and yet have a totally different perspective on this than prior to my 16 years of marriage. I am older, no longer mistaken for being "underage" and yet not old enough to fit into the retirement crowd either...somewhere in the middle for sure.
My daughter too is in an 'awkward' age (she frequently uses that word to describe her feelings in various situations). She is at 13 no longer a little girl, and certainly her looks for the most part put her closer to 16. She isn't content with the kid stuff that once amused her, but she is reluctant to plunge into responsible roles that come with maturity. One minute she wants to be treated like a responsible young adult and the next she wants to be coddled like a child. Hmmmmm.
I am not quite sure how all this middle stuff will play out, but I am quite certain the best tact to take is to reflect on the passage daily. Makes me think if an old movie title: Middle Age Crazy...so if it gets rocky at times, I am guessing it is to be expected.
I am single again, and yet have a totally different perspective on this than prior to my 16 years of marriage. I am older, no longer mistaken for being "underage" and yet not old enough to fit into the retirement crowd either...somewhere in the middle for sure.
My daughter too is in an 'awkward' age (she frequently uses that word to describe her feelings in various situations). She is at 13 no longer a little girl, and certainly her looks for the most part put her closer to 16. She isn't content with the kid stuff that once amused her, but she is reluctant to plunge into responsible roles that come with maturity. One minute she wants to be treated like a responsible young adult and the next she wants to be coddled like a child. Hmmmmm.
I am not quite sure how all this middle stuff will play out, but I am quite certain the best tact to take is to reflect on the passage daily. Makes me think if an old movie title: Middle Age Crazy...so if it gets rocky at times, I am guessing it is to be expected.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
God's "Individual Educational Plan" reflections from a "slow learner"
The parallels between the best practices we are now seeing results from in our county school system and how God already uses them in my life are kind of bonking me gleefully over the head this morning. As teachers, we get such a kick out of seeing that spark in our students' eyes when they make a breakthrough and begin to own knowledge for themselves. I am hoping God does too, as we make spiritual breakthroughs and start "getting" it. Maybe he is happy we are moving UP and making progress?
We human teachers struggle to create the best Individual Educational Plan for our students, in order to optimize their potential for learning. If one strategy doesn't work, we continue trying and collaborating and we don't give up. Now, I think we are a particularly passionate and committed group of educators here in Franklin County, always willing to roll up our sleeves and give it our very best effort.
I have been reflecting how God has a specific "Individual Educational Plan" for my life, and I am amazed at his supernatural patience with a slow learner. The recent "Bells Palsy" affliction has been just one more area when handed over to Him, he has used to teach me all sorts of things I needed to learn, such as:
We human teachers struggle to create the best Individual Educational Plan for our students, in order to optimize their potential for learning. If one strategy doesn't work, we continue trying and collaborating and we don't give up. Now, I think we are a particularly passionate and committed group of educators here in Franklin County, always willing to roll up our sleeves and give it our very best effort.
I have been reflecting how God has a specific "Individual Educational Plan" for my life, and I am amazed at his supernatural patience with a slow learner. The recent "Bells Palsy" affliction has been just one more area when handed over to Him, he has used to teach me all sorts of things I needed to learn, such as:
- People who matter the most don't care how your face looks. You are much more than your outward appearance.
- Stop fretting and stressing and REALLY release it to God to handle ( if you don't you will actually get a physical jolt of pain to get your attention!)
- REST more and especially on Sunday!
- Talk less (again if you don't you will FEEL it physically) And secondarily be careful what you WISH for, remember that firmer, simpler, QUIETER wish?
- Prioritize and know that your BEST is good enough, keep reaching up but don't BE so DRIVEN that you lose sight of the simple JOYS.
- A HEALTHY SENSE of HUMOR is indeed a GIFT that lightens many burdens.
- TRUST: He's Up To Something.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
We Teach Others How to Treat Us? Except when...
Except when we do not.
I have heard this one liner thrown out a lot lately and on the surface it neatly squares with the concept the we are all in charge of our lives and responsible for every good or bad thing therein. As I have learned and studied so very much in the past two or three years relating to boundaries and even mental personality disorders, I have to say while I can see some truth in the statement, I must say that I don't agree with the context in which I have often seen it used.
For example I can clearly discern, now, from both hindsight and being educated on the nature of my ex-husband's personality disorder how my giving and "compliant" nature enabled him. But I can also see that I did not "teach" him to be a narcissist, he came already wired with that unfortunate disease. I was operating from a view of normal nurturing and Christian concepts of love as spoken of in Corinthians. It is not considered enabling in a healthy relationship to forgive or tolerate, but in an abusive one it is too often thrown back in your face as if to say "you asked for it". No mentally healthy man or woman has ever taught their abuser to abuse them. Many of us do have boundary issues, especially sweet nurturing southern women. It has been ingrained in us for many generations and the truth is in healthy relationships with healthy people it is not a bad trait at all. But in an increasingly malfunctioning world full of messed up people, it can set us up to be like a lamb wandering in to a slaughter.
We can learn to spot these individuals and we can learn to put up and keep up healthy boundaries to keep evil at bay and still allow loving relationships into our lives. We do need to stop worrying so much about what others think of us or even hurting their feelings and get on with the business of being our authentic selves. But please be careful when you throw that phrase out there as a blanket statement implying that every victim of a bad relationship consciously chose to be one.
This statement also follows the pop logic that if young girls didn't dress so provocatively there would be less rapists. Rape is not about sex, it is about power and a sick individual uses sex to dominate and diminish the worth of the victim. Provocative dress might make a man look, even be aroused but healthy individuals then court the girl they don't physically assault her. I am tired of seeing this blaming of victims.
My gut feeling is that some people who haven't been victimized find the whole subject way too uncomfortable to discuss. They find their concerns easier to dismiss by thinking the victim "did" something to cause this to happen. It then follows that if you don't make that same mistake then you will be safe from ever being a victim. It is true that through education, we can be safer from situations and even learn to follow concrete relational strategies that will greatly reduce the odds of our being victimized. We can avoid obvious careless situations that leave us compromised, but please stop blaming those who are victimized. Listen to them and learn from them if you can and try to support them as they heal. It is not helpful at all to respond with condescending statements, which are effective for sure in turning off hurting people from seeking the help they need, but in no way helps them heal or you to learn from them.
Yes we do have to take the romantic Hollywood pablum and temper it with some serious and honest reality checks. We have to be courageous enough to examine our misconceptions and to learn from not only our own mistakes, but from our fellow humans as well. We can't afford to not hear the truth and we can not afford to believe that evil does not exist in the world, it does and it has to be met with some not so polite defensive barriers. I am all for straight talk that helps us all grow. I am not for boxed in simplistic views that label victims as having "created their own reality" or "drawn bad vibes to them" etc.. The same perpetrators of this view are often the ones who insist that all people are good. I think most people are good, but I know not all people are good. God gave us free will and some have very deliberately rejected Him and it is naive to not respect their choice. God will.
I have heard this one liner thrown out a lot lately and on the surface it neatly squares with the concept the we are all in charge of our lives and responsible for every good or bad thing therein. As I have learned and studied so very much in the past two or three years relating to boundaries and even mental personality disorders, I have to say while I can see some truth in the statement, I must say that I don't agree with the context in which I have often seen it used.
For example I can clearly discern, now, from both hindsight and being educated on the nature of my ex-husband's personality disorder how my giving and "compliant" nature enabled him. But I can also see that I did not "teach" him to be a narcissist, he came already wired with that unfortunate disease. I was operating from a view of normal nurturing and Christian concepts of love as spoken of in Corinthians. It is not considered enabling in a healthy relationship to forgive or tolerate, but in an abusive one it is too often thrown back in your face as if to say "you asked for it". No mentally healthy man or woman has ever taught their abuser to abuse them. Many of us do have boundary issues, especially sweet nurturing southern women. It has been ingrained in us for many generations and the truth is in healthy relationships with healthy people it is not a bad trait at all. But in an increasingly malfunctioning world full of messed up people, it can set us up to be like a lamb wandering in to a slaughter.
We can learn to spot these individuals and we can learn to put up and keep up healthy boundaries to keep evil at bay and still allow loving relationships into our lives. We do need to stop worrying so much about what others think of us or even hurting their feelings and get on with the business of being our authentic selves. But please be careful when you throw that phrase out there as a blanket statement implying that every victim of a bad relationship consciously chose to be one.
This statement also follows the pop logic that if young girls didn't dress so provocatively there would be less rapists. Rape is not about sex, it is about power and a sick individual uses sex to dominate and diminish the worth of the victim. Provocative dress might make a man look, even be aroused but healthy individuals then court the girl they don't physically assault her. I am tired of seeing this blaming of victims.
My gut feeling is that some people who haven't been victimized find the whole subject way too uncomfortable to discuss. They find their concerns easier to dismiss by thinking the victim "did" something to cause this to happen. It then follows that if you don't make that same mistake then you will be safe from ever being a victim. It is true that through education, we can be safer from situations and even learn to follow concrete relational strategies that will greatly reduce the odds of our being victimized. We can avoid obvious careless situations that leave us compromised, but please stop blaming those who are victimized. Listen to them and learn from them if you can and try to support them as they heal. It is not helpful at all to respond with condescending statements, which are effective for sure in turning off hurting people from seeking the help they need, but in no way helps them heal or you to learn from them.
Yes we do have to take the romantic Hollywood pablum and temper it with some serious and honest reality checks. We have to be courageous enough to examine our misconceptions and to learn from not only our own mistakes, but from our fellow humans as well. We can't afford to not hear the truth and we can not afford to believe that evil does not exist in the world, it does and it has to be met with some not so polite defensive barriers. I am all for straight talk that helps us all grow. I am not for boxed in simplistic views that label victims as having "created their own reality" or "drawn bad vibes to them" etc.. The same perpetrators of this view are often the ones who insist that all people are good. I think most people are good, but I know not all people are good. God gave us free will and some have very deliberately rejected Him and it is naive to not respect their choice. God will.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Goals for the Rest of 2011 inspired by Ms. Blondie
1) Healthier living habits: out with the bad and in with the good.
2) Once the budget is set, sticking to it no matter what the kid says or even "my heart" may say.
3) Growing better at relationship with daughter, most especially dealing with her anger when she doesn't get what she wants and standing firm, while avoiding harshness...very tough challenge I am facing here.
4) Taking time for myself, to paint and draw and create.
5) Designing a plan for the new delivery model as an art teacher that is dense with creativity and knowledge.
6) Getting the loft in order and getting rid of any and all clutter physically and mentally.
2) Once the budget is set, sticking to it no matter what the kid says or even "my heart" may say.
3) Growing better at relationship with daughter, most especially dealing with her anger when she doesn't get what she wants and standing firm, while avoiding harshness...very tough challenge I am facing here.
4) Taking time for myself, to paint and draw and create.
5) Designing a plan for the new delivery model as an art teacher that is dense with creativity and knowledge.
6) Getting the loft in order and getting rid of any and all clutter physically and mentally.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The Great Provider Strikes Again!
I wrote a poem about 26 years ago with a very lonely stanza saying "knowing all along that we were quite alone in here".... underlying theme of course was the brutal sense that no one really saw "me" at all, much less loved me for me. Hooh hah!! It has been a long journey indeed to come so clearly the hard way to realize the opposite was true all along. God the father and Christ the savior have been right here all the time, for too many sad reasons it was I who could not see it. It was I who ran myself weary and tattered trying to be "good enough". And it wasn't until I risked it all to walk in Faith out of a nightmare, with no tiny illusion left that I was sufficient to "get myself together" much less my beloved daughter, that I feebly made the cry to my God and oh how he delivered, not in Hollywood instant magic but in slow and steady revelation allowing me time to hone my total trust. Every ridiculously hard struggle has strengthened my trust in him and grown my inner peace, confidence, and joy.
Celebrations! My car will be fixed through the generosity and compassion of others who care for me. I have always been the giver, how healing to be the receiver of such generosity and compassion. I spent practically every dime on the debt resolution attorney and felt nauseous with the fear of worrying how we would get through another month. Felt God pushing me to move forward in trust. The letter my divorce attorney wrote must have struck a chord because within days I now have child support checks and they were all good. We will have gas and we will have food. Trust and risk came first, then God graciously provided.
As we await next week's school board meeting, I am praying for another contract but not assuming my safety in the job but believing God will work it out as he wills it and praying I have courage to let go my worries to him totally. I think that is another lesson in this aggravating Bells Palsy affliction. I have to reduce the stress factors, patience Lord please, we are making progress. Thank you for the lessons and the blessings. I love you.
Celebrations! My car will be fixed through the generosity and compassion of others who care for me. I have always been the giver, how healing to be the receiver of such generosity and compassion. I spent practically every dime on the debt resolution attorney and felt nauseous with the fear of worrying how we would get through another month. Felt God pushing me to move forward in trust. The letter my divorce attorney wrote must have struck a chord because within days I now have child support checks and they were all good. We will have gas and we will have food. Trust and risk came first, then God graciously provided.
As we await next week's school board meeting, I am praying for another contract but not assuming my safety in the job but believing God will work it out as he wills it and praying I have courage to let go my worries to him totally. I think that is another lesson in this aggravating Bells Palsy affliction. I have to reduce the stress factors, patience Lord please, we are making progress. Thank you for the lessons and the blessings. I love you.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A Prayer for this Day
May we discern your will in our lives and grow stronger in our Faith as we walk through our valleys. May we keep our peace even when we do not understand the trials. May each struggling child of yours receive your holy spirit to give us the courage of David as he faced the Giant, for each of us have Giants to slay. May "Church Clubs" undergo a revival of the spirit and become alive to answering your call to serve a hurting world, be it the hungry in their own town or in an impoverished world. There is so much need and so much excess, let generosity of spirit loosen those hands that seem never to have enough so that they find the peace in sharing with their brothers and sisters. Help us Father to boldly proclaim our faith in you, with loving spirits. Please do open our eyes Lord so that we all see exactly what you would have us do to serve you in this broken world.
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