Reflection on Why God "allows" life to be Hard at times

God honors our choices and has shown immeasurable patience to allow humanity to choose Him. It is often in the valleys of life that we get down to getting "real" and beyond our intellectual doubts as we are humbled by our helplessness and reach out to God. And when in our darkest hours He responds and begins His work in our life, then one is deeply and forever changed. Shalom replaces the frantic race. Gray becomes technicolor. Despair transforms to hope. Fear dissipates as trust grows. Wounds begin to heal. And one learns that life is hard, but how much harder without God? Without God it is an invariable downward spiral.

As Summer Break Winds Down

  Reflecting on the long summer break. I had a huge long "to do" list, much of it I accomplished. Some of it I have not and may not get "done". Those things would once have caused me stress as I would have pushed myself to do them or at least felt "guilty" for not having done so. Guess there has been a shift in my thinking, as I am learning not to be SO hard on myself.
  So let's see what has been accomplished. I did get the "storage" and moving in boxes that filled the third room up gone through. All it needs now is a mattress and box springs to be a functional guest bedroom. I did get block out curtains hung in every room except the studio (where I do not want them) and I got every window in the loft sealed with duct tape. The studio was sorted out and is now tidy and functional again. These were housekeeping chores.
   I did get the Bankruptcy petition filed and well underway to be wrapped up in late August which is the beginning of putting the financial "healing" on track though it will be a slow recovery, it is the first step in that recovery.
   I have made great progress in improving my relationship with my daughter. I have especially grown from working through my own boundary issues, and thereby seeing some positive results in efforts to establish healthy boundaries with my child. Most significantly I have grown out of trying to overcompensate and stress over past mistakes. I have let go feeling responsible for who she chooses to be or not be. I have learned to assert my role as the boundary setter and to not be so easily manipulated when my daughter tries to run over or  challenge the boundaries. I am not so quick to respond to her efforts to "push my buttons" and manipulate me. It is still difficult at times, but I have let go this freaky fear that she is acting like her Father which was making me feel sick with worry. Instead I am simply making every educated effort to respond differently than I did with him. She may have learned the behaviors from him for manipulating me, but she can "unlearn" them if they do not yield the same compliant behavior from me. This is a huge step forward.
   I have painted a lot in the last few weeks. This was on my list, and as I analyzed the summer winding down I realized that i had followed my standard pattern of "do all the NOT fun stuff first, then do what you love". Problem with that is time has a way of getting gone and when only the chores are done and nothing for the soul, resentment and depression grow. So, I adjusted and moved that creative time right to the top of the list. Loft isn't as 'spotless', laundry is not all done, let the office just be as it is...but have done 3 paintings and a collage since coming back from the beach on July 7th....and enjoyed it!
   Things left "undone"? Lesson plans, articles for School Arts, the office shredding, eye doctor, and dentist. The latter have as much to do with finances as time. Also haven't beat the smoking habit as yet, but have made great strides. When at the beach I only smoked two cigarettes a day and it wasn't hard. I have the Chantix scrip and got it filled, but have been intimidated by the side effects warnings...keep 'thinking' just stop on your own like you did before. I hope to mange this before October 1st. I may do better at it when I am back to the school routine and not home alone so much.
   I am gearing up for a week away again, back to Virginia and seeing family and breathing in the familiar smells and sights of my mountain ancestry. Can't explain it, but it always renews my spirit.
The best accomplishments of this summer break have been those changes that are internal and of the heart and soul. The theme that has recurred is "Be Still My Soul". In finding those quiet spaces that renew and heal and grow a healthier and happier me. I am not where I want to be, but I celebrate how much closer I am to that place and the progress I have made. Inspires me to keep moving forward in anticipation, determination, and hope.

PROVERBS 12:25 "A kind word cheers him up."

"You are an educated, experienced, perceptive woman who has lived for a while in a situation that did not allow you to be all that you can be. As you decide what and how you are going to live, all sorts of changes are likely. Trust yourself."I ran across this note to me from January 2010...a time when I did not trust myself very much at all. I am celebrating how far I have come since then and I must say there is indeed Life after chaos. My morning prayers are different now, not "Lord help me survive another day" but "Thank you Lord for another day. Please let me not get in the way of your will in my life." I am so grateful for those who lifted me up and still DO. Never underestimate the value of positive words spoken into the lives of others, for they can be that little candle of hope in the dark valleys of life.

Reflections on Contrasts in Life

 Our trip to the Daytona Beach proved to be mostly wonderful. It was awesome to be with family, especially my Stepmom and the long walks in the morning and conversations. The location and beauty of the condo itself was a huge contrast to the austerity we have lived in for the past several years now. At times I felt 'out of place' amidst such luxury. The contrast between sitting on leather sofas with a view of the ocean and pool verses, sitting on a lumpy thrift store loveseat in our sparsely furnished loft apartment was huge. Eating out every night at excellent restaurants, with hosts who insisted on paying the tab every single time, was appreciated and awkward at the same time. Obviously with my financial challenges, I truly did appreciate the generosity even as it made me a tad uncomfortable. It was a refreshing blessing and a balm for the tattered nerves. I also gained in confidence having made this long trip; both in my newly repaired auto and my self. And I enjoyed the company of both the family and my daughter.
 Before we even got home my daughter had arranged to go to her friend's house. She has only spent one night at home since we got back a week ago today. So, I have gone from lots of company to complete solitude, a schedule organized by hosts to a schedule completely dictated only by me! I am calmly aware that I prefer neither extreme and must laugh at that one! I miss the company of my daughter, but not the demands and loudness (she has tended to be up late talking on Skype on the phone). I often feel like she only talks to me when she wants something from me like food or a ride.
  She used to speak with me about her many dreams, but she doesn't seem able to dream much anymore. I am pretty sure this directly relates to her having seen so many dreams and hopes dashed in the last year or so. It should not surprise me that she is so restlessly trying to fill every moment with chatter and companionship of her friends. She says they love her because she makes them laugh. Right now she obviously needs that laughter and sense of belonging. I do hope and pray that as time passes she will be able to dream again and be at peace in her solitude.
   When her Daddy burst her "bubble" I believe a lot of her very inner joy escaped. I sense that she is in some ways frantically trying to recover that joy. I know I can not DO it for her. Oh how I wish I could, as of all the material losses they mean nothing in comparison to the harm her Father has caused my child in her very heart.
    Now today I will do what I can do with this solitude. I will listen to music and paint. I have not the clear drive of direction I did in the winter, but more of a playful experimental meandering. After so many seasons of stress and complexity, I am thinking I do need to learn "to play" again. Ah ha maybe my daughter and I are both doing that now.

Be Still, My Soul X 3 Today

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Source: cyber hymnal (googled) Author Katharina A. von Schegel 1752
    We sang this at church this morning and it moved me to tears. God helped me today release a lot of hurt towards a couple of folks in my church family that really hurt my daughter (who though she once so loved being in this fold has mostly chosen to stay away now rarely going with me). I saw her Father persecute our faith and she stood firm. But I saw her heart break when one she respected belittled her and shunned her at church, another church member has always been mean to her (though never in my presence) and has been even worse to her at school. It isn't particularly personal, she actually treats most kids rather harshly. I have struggled for nearly a year with trying to forgive these people for the harm they have added with their careless behavior actually turning off my child to church (not God) fellowship at a time in our life where we really needed our church family. But today I felt that God was telling me to "forgive them for they know not what they do". He certainly must know the pain of watching ignorant and careless people slander, persecute, and crucify his son. And yet His son asked God the Father to forgive them. I felt a weight rise from my heart today which was filled with compassion for those that hurt my child and me. That voice in my heart that for months struggled to not "get in their face" like an angry Peter might have done or simply avoided seeing any of them and attended a different service, where I knew I was with brethren who loved me and my child...was let go of today.
  I am assured that God knows the truth and the truth in my heart. I do not need anymore to worry what people who are so clueless or misled by the enemy, think of me or my child. I can love them in Christ irregardless of what they feel towards me or how they may act. God loved me when I was pretty clueless. If I allow my abuser to leave this scar between my church family and myself, then it is little difference than all the other years of "allowing" his behaviors to manipulate my life. I have followed my brother's advice to not run around trying to counter all of the now ex's lies and deceptions. I have kept my silence, except when necessary for legal proceedings. Only a few trusted friends and family know the very true ugly story I lived. And it is true that in the short term, when one doesn't counter the liar people who do not have any previous experience with your character might then wonder? I have grown and remember Christ when brought before Pilot asked simply, "Who do YOU say I am?" In relationships that matter most to me, my Life must be the best answer. I have grown a thicker skin. I trust my Savior more than ever, not because I am good enough or strong enough, or brave enough for I clearly am not. But this Savior is all of that and more and He has kept His promises to me. He told me to go and he would be with Me. He did NOT say it would be easy but He did say He would Deliver my child and I from evil and He has and continues to do it over and over.
   Today I lived that formula from Dr. Cloud: Grace+Truth+TIME= Healing.  The  ones I have forgiven do not even know it.  You see they don't own that they even hurt us at all. Perhaps God will choose to reveal it to them in time, maybe one day they will even apologize (I have accepted that is unlikely however and is not a condition of my forgiving them). In their eyes they probably didn't see the change in my heart today, as I have attempted to be polite and when it hurt too much I just went to a different service.
   In fact, I had been doing that for quite some time now. I overslept and that is why I wound up at the traditional service with those I needed to forgive. This hymn just reached into my soul as it acknowledged my pain (didn't tell me to "not feel it") and then quietly reassured me all would be okay. I can be still. I then rush home all eager to look this up and request the couple who do Hymn A Week on FB would consider taping it and they had posted it just an hour earlier! Now, that was a crazy kind of God cool! Several hours later I heard the very same HYMN playing from the church down the block. Three times. Amazing blessed musical God hug OXOX <><

Sunday Morning Reflection

Praying to keep my eye on Jesus in every present moment, so that I am neither looking back in sorrow, nor forward in worry, but growing more and more at peace in each present moment in my journey with Christ as my center. Praying for a renewing Sunday. Too much back or forward disturbs my peace.

Stepping Out Alone

  I went to the play today and was so glad. The play itself was good, not the awesome one of the first season, but it was still worth while. I walked through all the emotions of remembering happy times during those 17 weeks our family participated. It was a bit of an ouch when I saw they had the old moonshine songs and dialog put back into this play. While they all did a good job, I had to say that sadly the ex really had done the role much better. I am guessing that like Charlie Sheen one sees great talent for performing may in fact be reflecting years of being "on stage" in everyday life, so maybe no wonder he could so effectively work and audience and was so happy when literally the center of those stages. He is in fact a very talented actor.
   I also have to say I fondly enjoyed remembering having seen my daughter truly shine in that first play, with four speaking roles and even a little solo. Still my favorite moment was always the last grand finale song where she and her friend Chevonne would be gleefully clapping and singing as they worked the choreography. They still sing that particular song, there were fewer cast members and there seemed to be less strength in the voices but it could be that many just weren't there today. I still found it more happy than sad. Perhaps that is what bittersweet means.
  I loved seeing the kids, students, and former students in the cast. Just seeing the joy on their face as they saw me sitting there was worth the price of the ticket. It is good to know as my daughter is growing up and off doing her own thing and I am now mostly alone, that my presence does matter to some people still. It was good to be greeted and hugged by folks in this cast who remember me from the first play (four summers ago now). I had already been making myself go and do things alone, like eating out, church, etc...but this was more difficult. There was the likelihood that the one couple in my former town who chose to befriend him would still be in the play...surprise apparently not this year for the first time. I think if my daughter had known that she just might have gone with me. Their choices really hurt her. And then there is the palsy face thing, whew going out weird face and all. But, it was okay. It really was okay, even enjoyable. I needed that.

Regarding The Control Freak

  I just received a message from my former stepson that has my red flag up. He has now accepted a friend request from his cousin and uncle which he accepted and one from his Father which he rejected. Red flag because my daughter is his friend too. They can clearly see that on his page and that he and I are friends as well. The ex (his Fathere) has only created this page in the last day or so and apparently his uncle as well. SO, I am guessing it is an attempt to start trying to work on us through him now. Not a great strategy since this is the same son that has been ignored most of his life and not even acknowledged until his Mother proved paternity through a blood test. Dad quit speaking to him seven years ago. Grandparents went out of their way to be sure they mentioned him in their will and that he was to get nothing. I am pretty sure my daughter who chooses not to see her Father or Grandmother will also be mentioned in the same fashion.
 
 We are healing. She told me a few days ago that she knew I worried that she was "damaged" but she said "the only time I am unhappy is when I am having to deal with or think about him. I do not miss him Mom."  Today she woke up after having had a dream that she was performing and he was in the audience looking 'rough" with a "skanky girl" on his lap. I was around and he asked me to come over at which point she cussed him out basically. Something like "you are not worthy of my Mother, you leave her the f---k  alone!"  Whoah! Guess where my angel learned that word? She never used it however until after we left. At first I really worried she was becoming 'like' him, but now I get that what is natural for a 13 year old and part of growing up and working through feelings is NOT normal or healthy in a 56 year old man, in that context it represents arrested development really, hence the truly personality disordered adult.
  Although my response to the son was elaborate and then edited and edited, I know that it comes down to the people who know my character will have to decide for themselves whom they believe. I am coming to terms with just leaving it be. I have held to the advice of my brother on this one, do not dignify any of his comments to you or others with a response. It is nothing new, he is still trying to "push my buttons" and I have to hold firm my boundaries and hope eventually he finds something more interesting to do with his time. So, though I have plenty I would like to say or write to him I will not. I only speak in terms of business issues.
  I have to remember one key lesson I have learned. Nothing I ever said to him ever changed him, it always only enabled him to better manipulate me by knowing what I was thinking. The word he frequently used to hurl at my child and I was that we were "worthless".  That was especially true once all my credit lines had been completely maxed out so that there truly was not one more "thing to squeeze" out from me. This man was absurdly verbally abusive to the point of often keeping that poison mouth running in my ear until 2 or 3 in the morning; when you get up at 5:15 for work that is rather grueling and I did often find myself "compliant" to just try to get some peace and quiet.
 I had peace and quiet tonight,  until that message from his son. I guess this reminds me that all this undoing of years of responding is a process that will take time.  And I am truly working on keeping my peace so that this sort of move on his part doesn't so freak me out. So far God has thwarted and turned all his efforts to manipulate to "backfire" without my ever having to raise a finger. Hoping one day in the future I can laugh at these efforts and not get so frustrated with the speeches I find myself wanting to vent at him. No use, no reason, I choose to be no longer in the fight. It is over for me. I left chaos and I like it much better where I am right this very minute.
  It occurs to me just this instant that this IS a God thing, as my heart had softened ever so slightly when I was sorting out all that baby days stuff in the extra room, and came across some pictures of what appeared to be happier days. I almost felt myself feeling like forgiving him (NOT telling him so but just really softening as to forgiving him)...and then I get more direct in my face reminders that He is still up to and at seeking my destruction, I may not be his enemy but He truly is mine. I will have to let this percolate a bit. Is it the devil messing with me so I can't forgive and let go my considerable anger? Or is it God reminding me that at least for now it is not time to let down my guard as the enemy of my very soul is still lurking about? I surely don't know the answer, so I will pray and wait and trust. God will show me. Grace+ Truth+ Time = Healing. 

Felt Serenity Washing Over Me Today

Things are meant to be used; people are meant to be loved. 
When people are used and things are loved the result is CHAOS.

God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change the things I can
and WISDOM to know the difference.

I can not change the choices of others who embrace CHAOS, but I can remain grateful for deliverance FROM living in chaos. Thank you God for showing me how to say "ENOUGH". Thank you for those you placed in my life who gave me support, love, and courage when I was fragile. Thank you for those who still do.

Reflection on Grace

  For a very long period of my life, I labored under the assumption that I was not good "enough" and coming from a very self-reliant stiff upper lip family, I proceeded to endeavor to earn love and to be "good enough". In relation to my Christian views the standards included the Ten Commandments and those over 600 laws in the Bible. Clearly no matter how hard I wanted to, I was not ever good "enough". And for a number of years, that belief actually kept me from joining a church. I finally got over that one, inspired by the birth of my daughter. I wanted her to have the good parts of what I had as a child. She was certainly "good enough".
Funny thing happened. As I was motivated to serve my child, guess who grew? Me of course. Reading books,even the Bible without Christian Fellowship (especially including small group study and bonds) is like planting a good seed in good soil and then not watering it or exposing it to the sun. I still struggled with issues I kept hidden. And I was frankly operating from some wounds I never even knew which fed my sense that I wasn't good enough.
   AH HA moment!!! I am not good enough, but the GRACE of my Savior IS sufficient. Now that IS the GOOD NEWS. For flaws and all, HE loves me. And the more I let that sink into my heart the easier it becomes to trust his will in my life. I have always been a truth seeker and now joining that with grace, I am healing from the inside out and though in the earthly I face some daunting challenges...in my soul I trust God is in charge and will work ALL things to the good. He can move mountains, and I have the shovel. Yes my darling FB peeps, this is a PRAISE. While I am at it let me thank YOU for also loving me, flaws and all. It's a LOVE thing.

Another Letter Arrives/Same Tone

  I was pleased to receive some back child support and even more when the checks were "good". But, just like the last time, He can not resist an effort to manipulate. This time the letter was much longer and he asserted that he "would not have law enforcement at his house again" and that he would not be paying any towards our daughter's therapy and that he would not be paying but 40% on the back medical (and he conveniently left off a chunk of even that. Then there was much pleading for my forcing his daughter to see him and his mother, etc...

  I am so grateful that I know what I now know of his personality disorder. If I hadn't just lived through ten years of abusive behaviors and another 18 months of his lying and greed in the divorce procedings, I might just see only what I would have "wanted" to see in his words. But through the lens of knowledge, I now clearly recognize the hallmark words of the narcissist. It is never about anyone else, it is always and forever about him.

  He asked in his letter if I were trying to "ruin him emotionally and financially". I find this so characteristic of his flipping HIS behaviors onto his victims. Seriously? I am filing for bankruptcy due to marital debts for actual assets that he has possession of and my daughter and I live an austerity life style while he wines and dines on the lake, puffed up with his take? Seriously? He is reaping more than he has ever sown. Only one thing he no longer possesses and that is US. He did not care enough then and I have no doubt the only reason he sent any checks at all is because he knows he is in contempt of court and could be arrested. There is nothing I have ever seen him do in the last ten years that didn't have more to do with himself than others.

  He talks of God and changes he's made? Really? And yet there is still denial and blame and no taking of responsibility what so ever, except as mandated by the court and then only enough he "thinks" to keep his head above water.

I will not take the bait and respond to him, except as to clarification of his financial obligations to his daughter. I in fact do still pray for him to have a 'breakthrough', but I will not inform him of even that gesture as any slight sign of compassion on my part is read as a weakness to be abused by him.

Musing on Middle Phases

 It has occurred to me this morning that both by daughter and I are in transitional spaces. Perhaps that explains so many of our occasional head bumping episodes. We are both in the process of coming to terms with who we are now, what is the same and worth keeping, and what we want to be rid of and who we wish to become. So, many internal meanderings.
  I am single again, and yet have a totally different perspective on this than prior to my 16 years of marriage. I am older, no longer mistaken for being "underage" and yet not old enough to fit into the retirement crowd either...somewhere in the middle for sure.
   My daughter too is in an 'awkward' age (she frequently uses that word to describe her feelings in various situations). She is at 13 no longer a little girl, and certainly her looks for the most part put her closer to 16. She isn't content with the kid stuff that once amused her, but she is reluctant to plunge into responsible roles that come with maturity. One minute she wants to be treated like a responsible young adult and the next she wants to be coddled like a child. Hmmmmm.
  I am not quite sure how all this middle stuff will play out, but I am quite certain the best tact to take is to reflect on the passage daily. Makes me think if an old movie title: Middle Age Crazy...so if it gets rocky at times, I am guessing it is to be expected.

God's "Individual Educational Plan" reflections from a "slow learner"

 The parallels between the best practices we are now seeing results from in our county school system and how God already uses them in my life are kind of bonking me gleefully over the head this morning. As teachers, we get such a kick out of seeing that spark in our students' eyes when they make a breakthrough and begin to own knowledge for themselves. I am hoping God does too, as we make spiritual breakthroughs and start "getting" it. Maybe he is happy we are moving UP and making progress?
   We human teachers struggle to create the best Individual Educational Plan for our students, in order to optimize their potential for learning. If one strategy doesn't work, we continue trying and collaborating and we don't give up. Now, I think we are a particularly passionate and committed group of educators here in Franklin County, always willing to roll up our sleeves and give it our very best effort.
  I have been reflecting how God has a specific "Individual Educational Plan" for my life, and I am amazed at his supernatural patience with a slow learner. The recent "Bells Palsy" affliction has been just one more area when handed over to Him, he has used to teach me all sorts of things I needed to learn, such as:

1. People who matter the most don't care how your face looks. You are much more than your outward appearance.
2. Stop fretting and stressing and REALLY release it to God to handle ( if you don't you will actually get a physical jolt of pain to get your attention!)
3. REST more and especially on Sunday!
4. Talk less (again if you don't you will FEEL it physically) And secondarily be careful what you WISH for, remember that firmer, simpler, QUIETER wish?
5. Prioritize and know that your BEST is good enough, keep reaching up but don't BE so DRIVEN that you lose sight of the simple JOYS.
6.  A HEALTHY SENSE of HUMOR is indeed a GIFT that lightens many burdens.
7. TRUST:  He's Up To Something.

 Yes, the metaphor holds up very well. He is the Master Soul Educator!

We Teach Others How to Treat Us? Except when...

  Except when we do not.

   I have heard this one liner thrown out a lot lately and on the surface it neatly squares with the concept the we are all in charge of our lives and responsible for every good or bad thing therein. As I have learned and studied so very much in the past two or three years relating to boundaries and even mental personality disorders, I have to say while I can see some truth in the statement, I  must say that I don't agree with the context in which I have often seen it used.

  For example I can clearly discern, now, from both hindsight and being educated on the nature of my ex-husband's personality disorder how my giving and "compliant" nature enabled him. But I can also see that I did not "teach" him to be a narcissist, he came already wired with that unfortunate disease. I was operating from a view of normal nurturing and Christian concepts of love as spoken of in Corinthians. It is not considered enabling in a healthy relationship to forgive or tolerate, but in an abusive one it is too often thrown back in your face as if to say "you asked for it".  No mentally healthy man or woman has ever taught their abuser to abuse them. Many of us do have boundary issues, especially sweet nurturing southern women. It has been ingrained in us for many generations and the truth is in healthy relationships with healthy people it is not a bad trait at all. But in an increasingly malfunctioning world full of messed up people, it can set us up to be like a lamb wandering in to a slaughter.
  
   We can learn to spot these individuals and we can learn to put up and keep up healthy boundaries to keep evil at bay and still allow loving relationships into our lives. We do need to stop worrying so much about what others think of us or even hurting their feelings and get on with the business of being our authentic selves. But please be careful when you throw that phrase out there as a blanket statement implying that every victim of a bad relationship consciously chose to be one.

  This statement also follows the pop logic that if young girls didn't dress so provocatively there would be less rapists. Rape is not about sex, it is about power and a sick individual uses sex to dominate and diminish the worth of the victim. Provocative dress might make a man look, even be aroused but healthy individuals then court the girl they don't physically assault her. I am tired of seeing this blaming of victims.

   My gut feeling is that some people who haven't been victimized find the whole subject way too uncomfortable to discuss.  They find their concerns easier to dismiss by thinking the victim "did" something to cause this to happen. It then follows that if you don't make that same mistake then you will be safe from ever being a victim. It is true that through education, we can be safer from situations and even learn to follow concrete relational strategies that will greatly reduce the odds of our being victimized. We can avoid obvious careless situations that leave us compromised, but please stop blaming those who are victimized. Listen to them and learn from them if you can and try to support them as they heal. It is not helpful at all to respond with condescending statements, which are effective for sure in turning off hurting people from seeking the help they need, but in no way helps them heal or you to learn from them.

   Yes we do have to take the romantic Hollywood pablum and temper it with some serious and honest reality checks. We have to be courageous enough to examine our misconceptions and to learn from not only our own mistakes, but from our fellow humans as well. We can't afford to not hear the truth and we can not afford to believe that evil does not exist in the world, it does and it has to be met with some not so polite defensive barriers. I am all for straight talk that helps us all grow. I am not for boxed in simplistic views that label victims as having "created their own reality" or "drawn bad vibes to them" etc.. The same perpetrators of this view are often the ones who insist that all people are good. I think most people are good, but I know not all people are good. God gave us free will and some have very deliberately rejected Him and it is naive to not respect their choice. God will.

Goals for the Rest of 2011 inspired by Ms. Blondie

1) Healthier living habits: out with the bad and in with the good.
2) Once the budget is set, sticking to it no matter what the kid says or even "my heart" may say.
3) Growing better at relationship with daughter, most especially dealing with her anger when she doesn't get what she wants and standing firm, while avoiding harshness...very tough challenge I am facing here.
4) Taking time for myself, to paint and draw and create.
5) Designing a plan for the new delivery model as an art teacher that is dense with creativity and knowledge.
6) Getting the loft in order and getting rid of any and all clutter physically and mentally.

On The Call to Forgive

Forgive, certainly. Now understand that does not mean no consequences to abusive behavior. I don't think keeping good boundaries in place to keep evil out of my life means I have a hard heart. Careful how you push the compassion card, my compassion has been often used to manipulate and rendered me an enabling victim. There is a Savior who died for the sins of others, I am not called to "be" Jesus, only to accept his sacrifice and to release those who have sinned against me to his judgement, rather than my own. I can and will forgive, I will not be ignorant of lessons learned and "forget".

The Great Provider Strikes Again!

 I wrote a poem about 26 years ago with a very lonely stanza saying "knowing all along that we were quite alone in here".... underlying theme of course was the brutal sense that no one really saw "me" at all, much less loved me for me. Hooh hah!! It has been a long journey indeed to come so clearly the hard way to realize the opposite was true all along. God the father and Christ the savior have been right here all the time, for too many sad reasons it was I who could not see it. It was I who ran myself weary and tattered trying to be "good enough". And it wasn't until I risked it all to walk in Faith out of a nightmare, with no tiny illusion left that I was sufficient to "get myself together" much less my beloved daughter, that I feebly made the cry to my God and oh how he delivered, not in Hollywood instant magic but in slow and steady revelation allowing me time to hone my total trust. Every ridiculously hard struggle has strengthened my trust in him and grown my inner peace, confidence, and joy.
  Celebrations! My car will be fixed through the generosity and compassion of others who care for me. I have always been the giver, how healing to be the receiver of such generosity and compassion. I spent practically every dime on the debt resolution attorney and felt nauseous with the fear of worrying how we would get through another month. Felt God pushing me to move forward in trust. The letter my divorce attorney wrote must have struck a chord because within days I now have child support checks and they were all good. We will have gas and we will have food. Trust and risk came first, then God graciously provided.
    As we await next week's school board meeting, I am praying for another contract but not assuming my safety in the job but believing God will work it out as he wills it and praying I have courage to let go my worries to him totally. I think that is another lesson in this aggravating Bells Palsy affliction. I have to reduce the stress factors, patience Lord please, we are making progress. Thank you for the lessons and the blessings. I love you.

A Prayer for this Day

May we discern your will in our lives and grow stronger in our Faith as we walk through our valleys. May we keep our peace even when we do not understand the trials. May each struggling child of yours receive your holy spirit to give us the courage of David as he faced the Giant, for each of us have Giants to slay. May "Church Clubs" undergo a revival of the spirit and become alive to answering your call to serve a hurting world, be it the hungry in their own town or in an impoverished world. There is so much need and so much excess, let generosity of spirit loosen those hands that seem never to have enough so that they find the peace in sharing with their brothers and sisters. Help us Father to boldly proclaim our faith in you, with loving spirits. Please do open our eyes Lord so that we all see exactly what you would have us do to serve you in this broken world.

A Bump in the Road

 Okay so as I am feeling good, WHAM, out of nowhere I wake up with a 'funny' feeling in my face that doesn't go away and gets worse in fact.  The right side of my face is paralyzed. Verdict Bells Palsy, not fatal but no quick fix either. Seems to arrive at the worst possible time. Ah but God has something to teach me in every one of these darn trials. I don't like them, but I am learning to try to get the message. And thus far I am getting the message to slow down, ask for help when needed, and to trust him more. The more I "think" I am getting there and being self-reliant, something like this comes along to remind me I am not to rely on my self but rather on him.
  Having said this, I don't think God zapped me with this one. There were some added stress factors this week and way too little sleep. I am guessing the combination released the formerly dormant viruses and unleashed the attack. I am very thankful it wasn't a stroke, oh yes very much so. This is aggravating and it will pass. Help has already stepped up in the form of a friend who gladly accepted my request to drive me to the lawyer's office Tuesday afternoon. I was really stressing over that one. I need to get on with resolving the debt issues, whichever way the outcome; it is more stressful to not be making some effort at resolution.
  This is a bump in the road. With the expected prognosis of three weeks, it is a fairly big bump, but hopefully God will help us navigate this to a safe resolution. Lessons learned thus far include making a real effort to get adequate rest and trying to reduce the stress factors in my life.  Keeping my optimism and building my inner rock of calm, so that outside forces do not wreak such havoc on my physical well-being. I am sure that the next three weeks will be long and trying. I am just as sure that I will learn more from this unfortunate episode.

Meditation on Forgiveness?

   "Father forgive him he knows not what he does". I stated those words once in my head as my enraged husband was hovering over me with a murderous hatred spewing from his eyes and his mouth and his brutal behavior. That is the night I was for the first time squarely facing the reality that this man I had married and born a beautiful child to just might kill me. And the pathetic thing is that at the time, though extremely frightened I still had love and empathy for him. I still saw him as a victim of a loveless childhood.
  Now, I have a great deal more baggage to lay down, much more damage to recover from and little empathy for his cold heart. I am more like a protective lioness towards her cub. I am less angry at the hurt he caused me, I married him too quickly after all made a huge error in judgement and so I bear responsibility and consequences for that choice. But our child did not . She was planned and wanted and then treated cruelly and still is by her own father. That is where I have a really hard time with forgiving this man. But, I will continue to pray that I will be able to do that at some point in the future.
  I am guessing that our infinite God gets this difficulty. So, I will continue to endeavor to forgive to the best of my ability and hope these sneaky hate feelings wane with time. I keep telling myself something my Mother used to say  " You can hate what a person has done without hating the person." Hmm, something to think about.  My biggest issue is that I hate lies, and I hate being lied to. And I have seen this never ending stream of lies coming from this man over the last 17 months that just make that pile of manure get higher and higher. Get behind me Satan. Sounds corny but sometimes it really really fits the experience.


   

You "Sorry" Alright

 My now ex-husband's words, "I'm sorry" were the last ones spoken to me before he knew I was leaving. He was speaking after I was dealing with yet another call from a creditor to whom I was delinquent. I asked him, "what are you sorry for ?" (only I knew at the time that a report was going to be made to DFACS regarding his abusive behaviors and that a call would be coming to me soon from them and it did about an hour later), he said,"for all the debt I have caused you". Oh how I wish I had a recording of that statement; it might have saved months and months of his lying. It might have been enough to get him out of my house and held responsible for the marital debt.
  Well, it is now an appropriate epitaph to a train wreck of a marriage. Indeed he is sorry. He is a sorry pathetic excuse of a man.

Traveling Light

  So, chapter 7 stays on your 'permanent record' for ten years, "I hope I have ten years!" Chapter 13 only seven years, ditto. I worked my responsible butt off for my whole life, married a bad news asshole, prayed and worked even harder, remained truthful, ethical, and for all of my efforts I have only my retirement and my child as assets. I am feeling like I have been kicked around trying hard to always do and be responsible, the creditors have made a killing off of me. My now (thank you God) ex-husband has all the "stuff" I worked and either paid for (house, boat, kiln, potter's wheel, furnishings, etc....etc...) or owe for (remodeling a whole dang house) while my kid and I live in a rental, with thrift store and hand me down furnishings.Guess he made a killing off me too.
 One thing being a "bad credit" risk insures (I think) is that I am not likely to get caught up in a stupid rat's race again. I am not a rat. I am a rain dancer with an open heart and that is about all I have left to give away. And that is about all that matters when the dust settles and they plant you or release your ashes to the wind. How did you make your fellow humans feel? Did your passing through this planet make the world at all better, if only for a few souls? Did you lift others up? Did you give as much as you could? Did you pass on what bits of wisdom you learned? All of these things will matter for a short time at least in the hearts of those left behind. The stuff money buys, is sold off or thrown away losing its worth almost as soon as its owner is no more.
   Traveling light has always been my preference. Now it means more to me than ever, both spiritually and materially. I have a roof over my head, food in the house, a car, a safe daughter, and I am safe. I have a job I love and a God I love. In this realm I may 'look' poor, but my heart and soul have treasures that you can't go out and buy.

New Dreams?

   I have now heard myself speak this several times to others and while stuck in "my" Egypt, it seemed only a 'fantasy'. Now, it seems within the realm of possibility and "why not?" Why not start working on a doctorate in art education, when Sarah graduates from high school? Why not be prepared to accept a college/ university position hoping to share what I've learned with the next generation of art educators? Why not be open to the fact that it could take me to a whole different geographical location, possibly back to Hawaii or maybe just across the border into South Carolina?
   Why not believe and act on the possibility that the last years of my life might in fact be the best and happiest years of my life? Why not accept that if God wills it, and I am willing to do the work to achieve it all optimum outcomes are within the realm of possibility?
   It seems foolish perhaps in the natural, "at your age" etc... but I believe if God planted the notion in my heart and makes the way open, then I will follow that dream. It will not be from listening to the voices, others or my own, that speak discouragement.

Get Up, Show Up, and Learn

I am praying God keeps us going and we neither one 'lose heart' as He reveals His will to us. I can see only now (in hindsight) how even in the divorce delays intended by my enemy to self-serve, God used it to our good in the supernatural...one example is the issue of visitation, only the long time allowed the therapist(s) to document both husband's personality disorder and daughter's feelings and experiences with her father. God worked those circumstances out so that she has the choice. And now there is this glimmer regarding the hope of debt-relief, that a year ago was not available to me but now because of time and trusting the attorney He provided, it seems this is working to our good as well. Over the last year and a half He has shown this in so many ways, that it has grown my Faith and Trust in Him. Having said that, know that with every leap of Faith and plateau of peace and grace there has almost always followed another fierce challenge from the enemy, trying that new faith and these battles can be brutal, but they always send me right back to my knees. And I always find Peace and comfort and Hope there. It feels as if the devil and Jesus are doing a battle for my spirit and the devil controls the stuff in the world and Jesus controls the unseen, and during the confrontations I get all jerked around and emotionally twisted up...and I even cry out and argue, "God why? I am not getting this; I am failing miserably...etc..." then after I am done venting, I humbly get my butt off the floor and look up and apologize for my ranting and He comforts me, almost like, "I know kid it's hard, but it is going to be okay and you must trust that I have your back and your front and your sides and just keep giving me your Faith, don't let go of My hand...I love you and I am bigger than any of this mess." I like what a dear friend said recently about life being a journey and that we never really arrive...Christians are headed for a heavenly destination, so long as we are walking through a fallen world we have not arrived, we just have to keep "getting up, showing up" and being the teachable children of God.

Optimism/Faith

Optimism is seeping back in...

I can almost hear the quiet fluttering of angels' wings.

Exhale and shed a tear.

Whisper, "Jesus?" God is still here!

Walk through seasons of grief and despair

Walk through walls of shame and fear

Keep inching closer to that goal

Healing rain and a peaceful soul.

 

 

On Unexpected Sorrow and Joy

 I was somewhat surprised by my own emotions yesterday, as I completed the tasks of officially changing my name with the long prayed for final divorce decree. The jubilant feeling of the day before now gone. I am guessing perhaps the slight grieving was from having to recall the joy I had once felt when visiting these same locations to change my name 17 years ago? Or perhaps recalling that the driver's license now surrendered was a photo taken just days before the birth of our daughter, what a happy expectant Mother I was as I anticipated my "happily ever after". Yes, I am guessing that was what stirred up the sense of loss. I certainly do not long in any way to not be free of my now ex-husband. And I suppose it is my own burden to bear that even as I hate what he has done and continues to do, I do not hate him.  Still I don't know why it irritated me to have my awesome pastor respond (when informed of the final decree) that he was praying "for all persons involved"...I know it is his job and I know he is sincere, and yet it felt like having salt sprinkled on a wound.
  As for unexpected joy, it has come from a friendship now emerging from the Mother of my daughter's half-brother, I did call him my stepson and I now just call him her brother. It turns out she and I have a great deal in common.  I suspect this will become a life long friendship, if from a distance. And I suspect the bond between brother and sister will continue to grow with time, especially as she grows into adulthood. Her compassion has genuinely touched me.
   And so in day three of the "officially" free to be me, I am curious to see how this one unfolds. It could go either way I suspect. I am the clay.

Check One Answered Prayer!

  I got the word today that the excruciatingly long drawn out battle for divorce is over. The judge signed the decree. Never thought I would be wanting to celebrate such an event, and yet I am quietly exhaling with the reality that it is finished. Thank you God. Thank you lawyers. Thank you judge. Amen

On Asking from God

 My daily message on FB message from "God wants you to know..." says He is waiting for me to ask. So I contemplated, if in fact that were true what would I specifically ask for now, today. I would ask that my child's faith be renewed in both God and in me. I would ask for a financial break so that I might better provide for her needs and fix our car. I would ask that this long long battle with her father be concluded peacefully. I would ask for a renewal of body, mind, and creative spirit. In essence I could use a little inspiration and invigoration towards making forward progress into a better future. 
  I know all these trials have brought me clarity. I know I have grown. I want to laugh again. I want to feel free again without restraints. And I want to be a better servant, not a slave, but a servant giving with a joyful heart. Please do help me to get past the baggage and the wounds, to look forward and not back. Amen

Patience

 I have sought this week to be in a peaceful state of patience and leave the worries so that I might embrace the joy in each day. Ah but today yet another 'deadline' has come and gone with no word from my attorney as to whether the statement from his attorney a week ago was worth anything at all. Did he sign? Will it conclude quietly with the stroke of a judge? Or is there yet more preparing and hustling around for a court date to be done. It is plainly out of my control.
 I have resisted pestering my attorney today, but I doubt I will be able to do so tomorrow afternoon. My concern is that the longer we "wait" the more stressed out the preparations will become. I am especially concerned that we be able to give adequate time to witnesses to arrange their schedules, so that they can appear. Three days is not adequate in my opinion. We need to give them at least two weeks to rearrange their professional obligations.
 And in that vein I am supposing it yet might be August before this thing is settled before a judge. I am weary of the wait and having to prepare over and over again for trials or mediations that are then either delayed or not honored.
 Okay done with venting. He said he would "never" give me a divorce. But, the judge will, sooner or later.Time to partake another mega-dose of patience.

My Daughter the Writer Returns

   A remarkable moment, a shift in the journey has come into view and the glimpse feels like seeing a rainbow after a storm. My daughter is excited about a story she is writing. This used to be a regular part of my experience with her since she was very young, with her first "Young Authors" piece being in Kindergarten. Last night she asked me to sit down so she could read to me what she had written so far. It was excellent. And she was back to writing on it, as I was telling her "goodnight".
  Her writing has matured and the story itself is remarkable in that context alone. However, as her mother who has outwardly seen very little of the creative aspects of my child in this past year, it is like those first green shoots of spring appearing after a long gray winter! I have missed this aspect of my daughter and perhaps even mourned them as I have seen her more and more preoccupied with the ordinary trials and preoccupations of being thirteen. Boys, friends, fashion, makeup, hair, and worrying about how others perceive her have been a major focus which at times seemed to bring out a person I hardly recognized.
"Where is my child and what have you done to her?" could have been my question to puberty!
   And now as she is growing in confidence, out pops this subtle shift that is like a breath of fresh air and recognition all at the same time. "Yes, I know this child. Yes, she is still in tact beneath the superficial preoccupations of adolescence." Hope floats.

Patience and Gratitude

 I am thinking that my walk in recent days has been about cultivating a deeper root in both of these traits. I have certainly not arrived but sense that I AM making progress in both areas. I have been so outwardly passive in the past, that it led to being a doormat. Once I found my voice again, perhaps I was so vocal that I needed to draw upon finding a place "in the middle" as India Arie sings. Circumstances have certainly dictated that I find that place and the time it has taken has required patience. In order to keep my inner peace I have had to nurture patience and gratitude. Somewhere in the process trust has found its way into the mix.
 Perspective is an interesting element and a clarifying one as well. If one chooses to live in peace, then one must come to terms with things that can not be controlled whether it regards the past or the future. And peace is about being calm in the present moment. For every calm moment, I am grateful. For every quiet revelation, I am grateful. In the moments of struggle, I am quicker to recognize my tendency to fret and obsess and able to pull back and respond before I over react. I have not perfected this one, but I am making progress. I must be patient with myself. Firmer, simpler, quieter, and warmer is an old mantra of mine. I think that I am finally on the brink of arriving at that point after all these years and trials. Thank you Lord.

Beautiful Day and Sunset in Georgia

Okay, good day managed to turn the 2nd school room back into a functioning art room, heard from attorney that she was taking the decree 'today" and had a meaningful meeting with the magnolias! The sun was shining today and Georgia is popping out in the beautiful fresh spring greens and lots of the pastures around here look as if they were spray painted lavender, beautiful. The sunset this evening was especially nice with three distinct beams shining down from a cloud and the pinks and lavenders...masterful landscape. Peach trees and pear trees are also in bloom on the rolling hillsides. Hawaii sunsets on the Big Island were particularly lovely, but this piece of North Georgia has its own pastoral beauty as well. It is STILL a beautiful world.

Signed it Anyway

  My lawyer advised I go ahead and sign it as written and that she will be there for me "for free" if he bothers me afterward. My retirement is protected as is my daughter. If he stalks again or threatens, I will simply file a criminal complaint against him, and since he is facing one of those from a separate case I am guessing he has been recently reminded that jail is not where he really wants to spend a lot more time. I am not happy at all with some of the language but I signed it anyway, I am ready to be done with this foolishness. I am supposing there will be aggravation and my attorney may in fact have to represent me in court for free, if he can persuade his Momma to pay for yet another attorney, I am trusting my daughter and the truth and therapists if necessary to settle that business should it arise.
 If he refuses to sign this agreement, as written by his attorney then I am guessing we will be at trial soon? He told our daughter he would never "give" me a divorce, even as it is in his best interest to do so. We will see which voice in his head wins the day the controller or the self-interested? He can't have it both ways.

Subtle Twists Again?

 No big surprise, he refused to sign the final papers, leaving the mediation agreements as if they were hardly relevant. While the retirement is in tact and our daughter is given power to control visitation, the same tired redundant language has reappeared via his lawyers current proposed order. The restraining order is missing, the order to get me off the mortgage is missing, the "consulting with him" has reappeared as has the language that says I will encourage a relationship between them. I am totally neutral in the later and have been since we left. His cruel and manipulative behaviors were the catalyst for our leaving and for DFCS stepping in, the TPO, etc... He has continued the same tone in his visits and conversations with his daughter. he is incapable of getting that she is no longer a naive four year old. She does love him, I am sure, but she does not like him. If he had listened to his own therapist, I have no doubt their relationship could have improved. He is his own worst enemy relationally. I am not his enemy, but I am no longer his enabler and I will not push his daughter into that role. Any empathy must not be expressed to him, because he has and will continue to only view it as an opportunity to manipulate and abuse.
 So, it is my guess we will yet again be setting a court date...more time, more dollars and more delay. I hope he does find a girlfriend. I haven't prayed that but only because I can't wish another victim be caught up in his trip. Still, I am convinced that  he would quickly sign if he'd secured a new "mark" . There has to be an external motivation for him to sign. He has no inner resources that discourage him from doing unethical or controlling actions and it is my belief that he will continue to delay, as it gives  him a false sense of control.
   
 

A Good Week

   A busy but good week, full of joy and accomplishment. I made major progress in getting the current art classroom cleaned up, packed up, and ready for my move to the second campus. I got art works returned to children and we made some work just to hang up to decorate the lunchroom and hallways with the understanding that they won't get them back until the fall.
  The children have been especially sweet this week as they are realizing that it is time for me to say goodbye again. The fifth graders have been more sentimental than usual as our goodbye is of a more permanent nature. They will be moving on up to the Middle School and since I no longer live in their town, I am not likely to see many of them. It is a sad part of teaching, softened by the bumper crop of fresh young kindergarten students who arrive in the fall.
   We did our usual busy week with group and church, but added two extras this week. Tuesday night a former student came over and had dinner with us, which was particularly delightful. She even brought a bouquet of fresh flowers! Oh my goodness how lovely they are and she is doing so well.
  Thursday night my daughter persuaded me to take her to the high school baseball game, which was a shut out! I was glad to see a few former students playing so well and really glad it finished up early as it was cold once the sun went down.
   I managed to pay my attorney a substantial amount this month and that was gratifying. Today a coworker paid me $20.00 for painting a banner that only took me about 20 minutes to do...wow. A great week.

Go Jump In The Lake!

 It was a beautiful day to go "jump in the lake". And the wetsuit helped with the cold for sure, but it was still extremely cold for the first two seconds. The costume parade was fun, 35 participants dressed silly then to all jump into the cold winter lake. The effort raised $15,000. for the Northeast Georgia Council on Domestic Violence. Soon as I got out of the wet clothes, I found my way to some hot chocolate:) My jumping was about playing it forward. Heart Haven's theme: "Love Shouldn't Hurt".
   Made a nice dinner at home, talapia, brown rice, wilted spinach, and sweet potatoes. My teenager promptly pronounced it as. "nasty". I guess I am getting a thicker skin, as this is exactly the type of comment that would have come from her Father. I just said, "Oh well, it's healthy and tasty and it is dinner. You might try it before you decide not to eat because I am not making anything else tonight." She grabbed her plate and left the room. No, not the appreciative companion I would have preferred, but I am feeling it is absolutely essential that I employ what I have learned in this last year.
  I will not react to such negative behaviors, I will respond but not let them budge me or my peace. I love my child dearly. I will teach her that Mom isn't to be bullied, not by her Father or her. I can already foresee the day will come when she isn't getting something she wants and she will threaten to go live with him etc... I am practicing the cool response, "that has always been your choice and still is". Now, I will of course pray to God that she does not make that choice as I feel it would be harmful to her in many ways. But if I don't want to teach her to be an enabler, I also do not want to nurture self-centered manipulative behaviors either. I am in search of a middle ground of good health, compassion with boundaries.
  One of my magnolia sisters, says we "teach others how to treat us". I believe there is a lot of truth in that statement. I believe I certainly have to choose my battles but, I am thankful that I at least now have the energy to do so. I can only imagine this phase of mothering would have been incredibly difficult if still living under the abusive cloud of her Father. My lawyer reflected that if we had stayed and things continued as they were, it most certainly would have ended violently. It wasn't lost on me that there was the implication that sweet old doormat might have snapped and turned on the abuser, not in defense of myself but in defense of my child. It gives me cold chills to contemplate it, but I know she is precisely right. It was a case of fight or flight and flight is certainly the safest long range option.
    And as I contemplate that fact, how much worse it could have been, it reminds me that for all the financial damage and material losses I am still alive and free, as is my daughter and yes even my abusive husband. My joy is coming back more and more. My fears and worries have been soothed and are less and less a dominant force in my day. The more I let go my worries to God, the more peace I feel. I have choices and free will and I choose to trust and to hope. I am caring less and less about how politically correct it is to express my faith. I am not preachy or pushy, I am humbled and grateful and I will PRAISE all that I feel like praising. It's a God thing baby. I am not special at all, but I have an extraordinary God and I will not allow "religious folk" nor "fence sitters" nor "atheists" to push me into a box anymore. Guess I am not just braving cold lake waters, I am also braving cold people too.

Reflections on Mediation and Such

  Sincerely hoping and praying that he signs the final paperwork in a timely manner. Somehow after a year and a half, I expect not. The mediation just set me back further, but glad the tax refund had come in so that it was even doable. Keep my retirement, permanent restraining order, a bit more child support, and child determines visitation. He can call, he did once but she rejected it. That is her right, but I expect there will be noise made of it. All for show.
  I predict his Momma plans to let the house foreclose and the county sell it etc,, then she will buy it and let him live there, sheltered yet again from the IRS. I can only let the 'vingence is mine, sayeth the Lord' assist me with the sense of injustice. I predict the end will not be pleasant for such evil behaviors. I would still choose my fate over either of theirs, I can not imagine how they sleep knowing the truth. Actually I suspect they don't without chemical assistance.
  Bible says don't repay evil for evil. We certainly have not, but it has certainly been a temptation. I predict somehow that we will still end up in court before the judge, and perhaps that will be where the justice flips. We have tried hard to be fair, but when a control freak has any say at all about letting go of control their pathology seems to override their common sense ( not to mention any sense of fairness, truth, or empathy). So very reliant on others who are good to stay the course, no matter how underhanded and devious they are.

Warm Memories

I loved the months spent on the Big Island, all the beauty of the tropics and all the warmth of Southern Hospitality. "Talkin' story around the campfire and weaving palm fronds with kids on the beach, the fragrant rain forest, the hush and sizzle as the lava hit the sea with new jet black sand the next day, ah it has been too long since I have thought of this beautiful place I love. I enjoyed clicking through and could actually recall the aromas and textures of these places (well everything except the golf courses and resorts as I was a camping and bungalow nature kinda traveler :) Warm trip for a cold winter's eve.

Hawaii's Big Island Gallery

Grace in the Moment

   I was seeking to release a grudge by forgiving one whom I felt betrayed my trust. Sad to say the response was a condescending one that only added to the hurt. I have to let that go. I am carrying too many scars already. Perhaps in time I will attempt it again. I think the effort was perhaps enlightening though. It revealed more to me about their defensiveness than grace. Even in a church there are people who are blinded by their own self-perceived perfection.
   If I could, I would share the reasons I feel they are being used, but I know too well how easily the master manipulator uses the good in others to twist their empathy and intellect into compassionately playing into his hands. It is clear to me that is the case.
   She said they supported him because he had no support, while I had lots of support. Interesting, we lived in a shelter for eight months. I work and pay our way. He is in my home, with all the furnishings that I am still stuck paying for while his wealthy Mother buys him a car for cash, pays for his lawyers, he plays on the lake all summer, dates, and from all outward appearances and possessions he has made out like a bandit and yet she says he has no support?
   

Simplify and Focus

    I find myself distracted by so many outside demands that I am having difficulty remaining centered and deciding which task to complete first, yikes. I am that 5th grader my then teacher gently spoke of "does beautiful work when she is able to focus on one thing at a time and complete the work, but tries to do so many things at once that she has trouble ..."
    That's still it in a nutshell. Spiritual growth, Mothering, money management, job, church, and artist. Interesting  how that list is ordered. It seems like forever the artist (me) is on the bottom. I am sensing that I need to somehow, some way manage to slide it closer to the top. I haven't figured that one out as yet.
   I long for the sense that I am moving through my life, rather than being pushed around by my life.  Speaking of push, I need to leave by in twenty minutes in order to make the early service and I am not even dressed yet...an so it goes:)

When You're Smiling...

My friend brought me four new canvases as a Christmas gift, amazing timing! I am enjoying the sense of being so gifted by the family and friends in my life and the subtle little "I'm here" messages I keep feeling the creator bonking on my head, a giggly joy after a storm. She also came with groceries and went to cooking in my tiny kitchen, the three of us had a wonderful feast last night. It was so nice to be able to share with her so many good things, since she has been my friend since we were 11 she knows my heart and life story more than anyone. How cool to be able to share so much of our lives and the thread of friendship only grow stronger. For the last many years, we saw each other, but had never been given the space to just stay up talking all night together. Her husband Tom, is so cool to "allow" her the space to come and hang out with me. I am so enjoying having the freedom to enjoy these simple yet priceless gifts of time. If I were my calabash mother (Zadie) I would be saying, "thank you Jesus" hmm think I will anyway cause it sure feels right. Thank YOU <><    It ain't about fitting in a box child, it is about getting out of em and to where you were created to be. lol

The best dreams happen with your eyes wide open.

   So, maybe it's taken thirty years but I think I am back in a kind of zone I haven't felt since Sweetwater Studio days. I am out of the box and it is feeling so good, dawning on me the same thing I've been speaking to my art-kids is true for me, "just keep working, your best is good enough" gee how liberating is that! We had another great meal/feast last night and then Peg scrapped pics of her grandson while I painted, and we listened to great music and popped back and forth and talked; that's why I spun off the oil stuff for a bit I have to really focus when I am doing realistic style stuff...can't be talking and laughing and such.
  Being around my childhood long friend has given energy to my sense of coming of age and pieces falling in place. Like few others we can reflect on our journeys and share the insights, joys, and sorrows. There is no worry here of needing to censor truths it is an unconditional trusting kind of space and a blessing. I may be misunderstood or labeled by others, somehow it just doesn't matter so much when there is the knowledge that those who truly know us see beyond those labels. Feeling free to be my perfectly IMPERFECT me, what a concept! I hope all reading this are approaching 2011 with a childlike spark of optimism and I wish us all a good growing season in 2011.

As the Wind Blows...support group game

"Laughter is like the human body wagging its tail." Anne Wilson Schaef
We had a good deal of this tonight at support group...even as we were playing a "game" that required some uncomfortable soul-baring. It was highly effective and served the purpose to reinforce that we indeed had more in common than different. You might picture this group as being beaten down and sad, and certainly at times there are honest raw tears, but that is usually to the newly "out" or approaching getting out. The veterans are able to encourage and empathize and yes laugh when appropriate, with the recognition that we are not alone and to celebrate our new-found strengths and little victories. It is never lost on any of us how close we came to remaining silent victims. It is also with gratitude that we celebrate our freedom and the privilege of coming together in support of one another. We 'get' one another and have learned to dance in the rain. Although I am my mother's only daughter, I have yet so many true sisters.

Learning to dance in the rain.

Celebration!

 Our school was named as a school of Excellence. This is a great achievement as less than twenty five schools in the state made this distinction, all based on achievement scores. It is really something worth bragging about as we have a challenging school population, with many factors which often are considered insurmountable but we ARE a school where failure is not considered an option.
 Our leadership is strong and all practices and strategies are based on research. We quit beating the dead horse many years ago and have sought diligently to grow and implement real instructional changes that have lead to measurable gain. It is an awesome feeling.
  This reminds me of the Winston Churchill quote, "Never Give Up". It also reminds me to employ the same attitude in overcoming my personal challenges. Keep moving forward, keep making intelligent choices, keep learning from mistakes and trying new solutions. And of course most importantly don't give up.

Valley Hiccups

  I despise getting hiccups. I always think it is my fault for having breathed too fast. And then there it is this thing that gives me a headache and seems as if it will not end and yet it does. This was a Monday that seemed to be something like that hiccup, that sense of being out of sync.
  Although I woke my daughter up earlier, we still barely made it in time for her to catch the bus. In fact we were there two minutes early but the driver was already pulling out, I flashed my lights and she ran out to get on the bus while I am thinking it is so dark I only pray he sees her. I set things quickly in order for my first class and dash out to car duty.
   Day goes fairly smoothly until lunch when I dash out to bank to see if the support checks are 'good' only to get to his bank and realize he has changed banks since last October to MY bank. Good news, the checks are good. Irritation, I can only imagine the conversations he has had with each and every employee of the branch. I also am irritated that none of this child support money will go to support his child, but will be eaten up in more legal fees for the mediation which is 99% certain to be no more solution than any of the other 'proposals' thus far. It is all about procrastination and domination and I am getting a nasty headache from the frustration of the whole mess.
   Slide back into school in time to quickly consume my Ramen noodles before preparing for the afternoon classes. I look for my watch, removed to do the potter's wheel...damn, it is missing. Spent too much time looking for it, it is gone. If it were actually MY watch and not the one my daughter had lent me, it would not be such a big deal, except that it is also in my face that one of my darling students has stolen it from my desk top. That is a personal jab, a reminder again that you can't trust others and that I was dumb to not 'hide' it and dumb not to lock my door when I ran out to the bank at lunch.
       So, I get on through the afternoon doing my best to teach and not show my upset feelings to my students. When the last group leaves I feel like I am completely drained. I begin to prepare for tomorrow and before I can catch my breath in comes a couple of cute kids with their Dad who want to hang out in my room and they do until I say okay I am going home now. This is like the third time this has happened in the last week and it is wearing thin. I am unsure how to tell them this is my time to plan and prepare and I am not up for entertaining them. I don't want them to feel unwelcome, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.
    And finally we make it to support group and it is amazing how just being there with the 'Magnolias' feels like I am free to be out of the box. It is the one place I do not have to pretend. I can vent and it's okay. I can laugh like a nut and that's okay too. My closest friend in group reflects that maybe I am feeling so "bad" because I didn't paint this past weekend, yeah maybe so.  Driving home I get that tomorrow will surely be better. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. It is just a hiccup; keep breathing.

Do It Anyway

 Last weekend I was bubbling with inspiration and enthusiasm. This weekend I have been grounded by earthly realities. I am reminded of some tid bit I once read while an art student, advising that artists not wait for inspiration, but rather always continue working. This is the first weekend I have not picked up a paintbrush in quite a while. I did laundry, cleaned out the refrigerator, paid bills, fixed the vacum cleaner, ran errands, missed my daughter, and painted an old file cabinet magenta pink. All these needed doing. 

 Today I will keep the church nursery, because it is my turn to do so. After church I will work on tying off student weavings and typing name labels for the art shows. My flower painting calls my name, but for now I must walk past my own urge to lose myself in the art studio. I have been reflecting on Wayne's poem while taking out garbage and doing chores. I think I will calligraphy the words onto parchment, even as I would prefer to paint them directly onto the wall.

 Yesterday I was working through a pervasive sense of almost depression. That little dark voice that whispers, "you really screwed up royally and you are kidding yourself if you think life will ever get better than this, you will never fully recover from this mess you allowed an idiot to make of your life and for what ? your stupid intention to love unconditionally?" Getting through such a day reminds me of lamaze breathing during the extreme pain of childbirth labor. The breathing doesn't stop the pain, but it gives you something to focus on. So, I breath and keep moving and doing what needs doing. I am not superwoman. I have to sleep. The chores need doing, so I do them.  I get mad but I let the anger pass through me...God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  I talk myself into moving forward...Courage to change the things I can. And on my knees I pray...the wisdom to know the difference.  I acknowledge my weariness from the struggle as the thought passes through my mind, a startling thought, that even if the enemy should end my life it would at least mean an end to the worrying and an assurance that my child would be better provided for. I am now Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life? Am I worth more dead than alive? About this same time I am reminded of two conversations with former students in the past week. They are like gifts of ripples in a pond. They told me of my impact on their lives, as if it were a blessing. I was just doing what I do. It mattered to them. It still does. I can't pay a bill with their appreciation, but I can find a peace in knowing that at least parts of my life have been well-lived and not wasted.

 Only God will decide when this battle ends. In the meantime, for better or worse I will keep showing up and doing the best I can each day.

 

"A rock from over here
a feather from up yonder
some water from the sea
gathering up my essence
and putting back together me."
...by Wayne Beckles

Joy & Light

 Embrace the moment
 Laugh at the cacophony
Of noise that surrounds
It can not overcome
The great mystery of the light.
    

light breaks in

Sunny Side Up!

   I took that bit of anger at injustice and put it into something productive, set it in motion and then released it. I've had lots of wise bits floated at me as I was in the post-traumatic stage of recovery. One that has been predominant in my thoughts since Wednesday is the claiming of joy and peace. Immovable peace I think comes only from completely letting go to God all outcomes beyond my control. Taking the time to pray and consider my responses. I do not like being pushed around, it leaves me off-balance. I am learning to plant my feet squarely and stand strong.
  And I stand strong not just against oppression, but I stand strong for joy. I am recalling the quiet simple words of a teacher last March,"Don't let him steal your joy".  This has been difficult at times to maintain, as there has been a steady stream of finding the joy and then another hit, another blow, another assault on any assumption that truth or fairness or remorse might show itself from the other side. The assault has been steady and relentless. And yet, with each challenge I have survived, I have grown stronger. I have grown more sure of trusting my gut response. I am no longer a stressed out, freaked out, fearful mess. I am intentionally choosing to claim my joy.
    For every assault aimed to hurt, God has shown up in the mix and in time over and over again the very manipulation aimed to harm me, has been turned into a positive to help me. I have absolutely no reason to not trust that God is working it all out for the good. The only appropriate response to such grace is gratitude.
     Every beautiful moment with my child and with my students is superior, to any petty foolishness that he throws my way. To see the beautiful colors of a winter sunrise over the rolling hills with the treeline looking like God's own intricate pen and ink masterpiece is simply a joy of priceless value and only requires appreciation. It makes me absolutely giddy with the wonder and beauty of it.
Now, add to that the bonus that I can then take this experience and turn it into a painting lesson with my young artists and voila, what a lucky person I am. The children's enthusiasm for creating and the joy of showing them how to make something beautiful is priceless. I get paid to do this and yet if I were independently wealthy I would want to do it for free, as it brings me so much fulfillment.
   When we came head on with his car this afternoon and all his dramatic acting like he was going to turn around and follow us, I didn't squirm, I calmly said," if he follows us we will just drive directly to the police station". We peeled out as soon as there was an opening in the traffic and he was stuck in the same. We made our way safely home and without his following us or knowing where we went. We laughed and felt pretty good. We also learned that he is now driving a silver Mercedes-Benz, which was a good thing to be aware of as that is quite different than a black suburban. We will know better what to keep an eye out for now.
    I can hardly believe the quantum leaps in joy I have experienced in the last two days. I have made a choice to let the worrying and fear just go to God. I am not naive, I have been trained very well to be safe and watch my back. This isn't just good for protection from him,  it serves also to feel safe as a woman walking through the world alone, with a young daughter. All of the safety precautions are sensible and empowering. We don't have to hide, we just have to be prudent and aware.
  I am free to be myself, however long it takes to have this declared on paper is not so very relevant to the claiming of that joy. I am not perfect for sure, but I like who I am daily growing into being. I like the growth itself. I sleep very well at night. I laugh in my work every day.  Young kids are so much fun to be around. Their curiosity and natural desire for knowledge makes them a delight to teach. They have a great natural sense of joy and they are so authentically themselves, good or bad they are real.
All the possessions in the world can't touch the sheer kick I get out of doing this work.
  Let the Sun shine...amen.
   

Trust and TPO's

  I decided today to allow the TPO to expire, rather than swearing out a new one and the expense and testimony (and drama) that entails, renewing it quietly is not an option. The Judge said I have certain protections that still stand in the temporary divorce agreement. I have decided to give him the opportunity to behave and demonstrate respect for that order. If he encroaches, I will address it by swearing out a new TPO. I am not comfortable with him getting his guns back, but I will try to remember that he didn't like jail and that murdering me simply would not fit into this delusional script he is acting out attempting to portray himself as the misunderstood victim. I also recall him saying many times how he liked the idea that his ex-wife would be always looking over her shoulder in fear of his retaliation. While I intend to continue using all safety precautions I have learned from the council, I do not want fear to dominate my life anymore. And there is a gut feeling I have that tells me showing less fear might also deflate his motivation to attempt to use it continually.
   So, after Wednesday we shall see how this proceeds. Thursday I expect my attorney will be filing another contempt charge, as that is the only thing that seems to get him to write his small child support check. If he decides to ramp up then I imagine that might do it. But, he is going to get a chance here to show what his mouth says. We'll see what he does with it.
  I am teaching in Lavonia through March. Our "new" hearing date isn't until April, but his lawyer requested a mediation prior to trial which the judge ordered, more dollars, more delay. Meantime, I will watch my back carefully, always keep the alarm on, and always have my cellphone close by. If he does "act out" it will only make a stronger case for the permanent restraining order I want in the final decree. I am beginning to see these sometimes strange twists are God yet working stuff out for Sarah and I. So, I will pray lots and trust lots.

Stumbling Through a Labyrinth

  It occurs to me this morning that my journey for the last thirty five years has indeed been like a labyrinth, a multicursal maze or less poetic term might be learning the hard way. The metaphor seems to fit the trip in so many many ways. While walking a labyrinth, you can only see what is dead on in your face, you can't see where it actually leads. It could lead to another dead end or be the route to the center. And getting to the center is the goal. Balance and harmony with the Big Questions, why am I here? who am I? where did I come from? where am I going? "Oh very young, what will you leave us this time? You're only dancing on this earth for a short time." Thing is, I have been aware of when I was closer to finding the tune to my own dance, then without intentionally meaning to I would make a choice in the labyrinth that took me farther and farther away from that center, yikes!!!
  Today I am feeling myself on point and finally coming back to the center, wiser for the rough journey and accepting of the answers I have learned along the way. Dawns on me as surely as this mornings' sunrise that I have been running from myself for many years now. Oh, I surely did not see it at the time. And how I get it now. Independent has been a word often used to describe me. I spent a lot of time jumping through other people's hoops and trying to meet their needs, accept them, love them, etc...with no boundaries. I learned what they wanted from me and dug deep to supply it. Problem with that philosophy is in being someone other than who you truly are, you can find your spirit becomes nearly suffocated. It isn't 'you' doing the loving at all. it is you acting out a role defined by another.
     Okay God, I think your hard-headed daughter is finally beginning to understand. One, I have been looking for love for a very long time and thinking I just wasn't good enough to receive it just as I am, just as YOU made me. Oh dear, and you and I know rather than embracing my self I have blamed you for making me so different that I can't fit in to the boxes. So, I kept trying to learn to fit in the boxes. You knew where all this would lead me all along. The ultimate choice, get out of the box and be who you are or die in the box from suffocation. You give us free will and must be sad or amused at how often we keep wriggling around in these boxes.
   So enough rambling around the point.  In this chaotic labyrinth and the quest to find true love, it leads me back to the essence of realizing it is from you and born in me. It is bigger than any earthly box. Here is my heart. However long or short my days may be on the earth, I promise you I will do my utmost to be true to the lessons you've taught me. I will do my best to honor you by not trying to be any less than you created me to be. I will dream with my eyes wide open. I will worship in joy and I will not let religion get in between you and I. I will fight against those things of darkness that would box me in such as fear, hate, guilt, labels.
      I will endeavor to see myself as you see me, my creator. I will endeavor to trust you to lead me through the rest of this labyrinth, as YOU know I have been greatly humbled by my own inability to find my way. Still I am amazed at your love and care for me along the journey. If I am a slow learner, then you are an amazingly patient teacher. I do not know what lies ahead, but in surveying what lies behind even a slow learner must remark at how many pits you've saved me from falling into. So, I will trust you. You have been here all along, knowing that makes all the difference.

A Salute to Forest Gump

      "I may not be smart, but I know what love is." In learning and cognition, one of the latest research based strategies is to show students examples of good, bad, and exemplary works. This is shown after clearly stating the learning goal or end point of the lesson. I am thinking I have lived this one out in my life when it comes to figuring out what love is and is not.  My conclusion is that love is a verb. It is something you do intentionally. Love is also a feeling to be sure, but it is definitely not an object to be possessed or a case to be "proved".
   My hallmark for if it is genuine love? I believe you want the best for those you love truly, even when it may mean it is not best for them to be with you. Whether it is your first true love or the love for your child, who now has grown independent. Love allows those you truly care for to fly on their own journey with the knowledge that you love them, for love's own sake.
   I think of a scene in "Harold and Maude" where Harold finally gives Maude a trinket with the words "I love you" imprinted in the metal. She throws it in the lake saying, "I will always know where it is" and after she has taken pills to end her life and Harold is so bereft, "but I love you Maude" and she says "great, go and love some more!" I know it was a weird movie, but I liked the sentiment she expressed, go and love some more!

Good Kind of Lonesome

   I am making the observation that it is better to be honestly lonesome, than to be lonely while living with a someone whom you are truly invisible to. Having been married for sixteen years, of which the last ten were increasingly  disconnected, traumatic, and hopeless I was so starving for the freedom to be myself that I am only now getting to a point of saying hello to that familiar sense of loneliness in solitude. I am comfortable with this, as I have been here before. The difference I now note is that I no longer have the sense that it is something I have to "fix". It is more like a reality I simply accept and on reflection I so prefer an honest loneliness to having all my time dominated, controlled, and my vitality sucked out of me so that I felt numb a lot of the time as if on automatic pilot in a survival mode.
  I feel alone for sure, but I relish the time and freedom to think and express my self. There is a very faint glimmer within that wonders how it might feel to be in a healthy relationship. This surprises me, as when I first left I was so traumatized I felt that I was cured of romantic yearnings once and for all. I clearly felt my daughter's simplistic observation was correct, "you're good Mom but you don't choose very well" no shit?
   But in untangling and piecing together the threads of my "journey" (as my awesome therapist calls our life story) some surprising insights have shed light that has indeed been healing. It hasn't been without some pain and sorrow, but getting it out somehow is like letting go of so much invisible garbage. Little pieces suppressed beneath the surface that have been a chronic infection in my spirit and now they are being excised. It is such a relief. Not just because it helps me forgive myself for my many failures, but it gives me hope that I will not travel that road again. It is finished.
   Mostly I feel an intentional joy in my solitude. I accept my path. I don't feel the need for a man to complete me and yet, perhaps it is a sign of healing? I am not closed to the idea that some day just maybe I might know what it feels like to have a healthy relationship. I am leaving that one up to God to arrange or not.